Trusting God in a New Way

Now that the adrenaline rush of last week's biggest surprise ever is starting to subside, I am finding myself feeling wholly and completely overwhelmed by God's grace and favor in life of our family. I absolutely cannot believe that this is our life. I was telling Adam last week that feel as though our life as a family has come full circle. When we originally felt the Lord leading us to adoption in 2010, He drew our hearts to China. We weren't old enough yet to meet the requirements, but we knew that adoption, especially adoption from China, was going to be a part of the Knott family story one day.

As years progressed and we fought to bring Bradley home, the Lord was continually asking us to trust Him, to believe in His holy sovereignty. He was asking us to walk by faith and not by sight. And it was so hard, because the things we could see terrified us, made us believe that our vision for our family was simply impossible. There were days, even months, when it looked like we would not be able to adopt from Ethiopia. And then, with one phone call, our lives were forever changed. We saw God's faithfulness revealed in the face of our son. The Lord showed us, through Bradley's adoption, that He can be trusted in every circumstance, that we can throw our lives at His feet and KNOW that He is good.

And then there was sweet Asher, the surprise we never saw coming. When we were told that biological children would not be part of our life we mourned deeply. We grieved the loss of what we though our family would be: a beautiful reflection of what we imagine the family of God to be like. Over the years, the Lord was again asking us to trust Him. And it was so hard. But slowly, He broke us down and then rebuilt us, teaching us all along the way that He is worthy of our love, our loyalty and our trust. So when we found out about our first daughter, we were reminded again of God's faithfulness, of His goodness, of His perfect timing.

And now we face something completely foreign to us: an adoption that is moving at lightning speed. When my phone rang last week and Maggie told me that we had a daughter on the other side of the world, my soul fell silent except to say, "Thank you, Lord." I know that only He could have done this. Adding children to our family has always been so difficult, so fraught with obstacles, so seemingly impossible. And in that one moment, the Lord, in His infinite goodness, redeemed years of grief and hardship. It is as if He is extending His hand of grace directly to us and merely asking that we take it.

And we are so honored to do it, to add another life to love to our family. She is already so dear to us, and we are so ready to have her home. But here is the tricky part about an adoption that moves faster than you expect: We are now in the position of having to trust God in a new way. We are having to trust God to provide financially in a very short amount of time. Prior to last week, we thought that we would be matched this time next year. So we have been diligently saving and planning fundraisers (t-shirts, yard sales, etc.). And it looked like we might be OK just doing that.

But now things have drastically changed. We are planning on traveling to bring Baby Knott #3 home in June. That means we have about three months to finance our remaining adoption costs, which, at this point, are substantial. After much discussion and a lot of prayer, we are going to do something that I swore to myself I would never, EVER do. We are going to turn to you, our community, and ask that you prayerfully consider helping us bring our daughter home by donating toward our adoption.

I don't like asking for help. I actually pretty much hate it. But I love my daughter more, and I know that there is no way we can get to her and bring her home in this short amount of time on our own. We have applied for grants, and we are still planning yard sales. We are still saving as much as we can, but we need help. We have set up a YouCaring link that you can donate to, if you feel so led. PLEASE do not feel obligated in ANY way. We know this is asking a lot, and, believe me, we feel plenty awkward doing it, but we are trying to step out in faith and believe that the Lord will provide a way for us to bring her home. I have included the link below.

CLICK HERE

I could never say it enough, but thank you. Thank you for loving our family. So many of you prayed right alongside us to bring Bradley home. And then you prayed Asher safely here. And then you prayed for this adoption. Our family would not be where we are without you, and we want you to know that we know that. You have been the hands and feet of Jesus in our life.

With deep love,
Adam, Baylor, Bradley, Asher and Lucy

Mountain Mover

If you have been with us any amount of time, then you know that we have seen the Lord move MOUNTAINS for our family. Big, giant, huge mountains. Mountains that scared us, challenged us, humbled us. But each of these mountains have one thing in common: God has used them all to WOW us, to remind us of His sovereign power and endless grace.

And we have seen Him do the same this year as we have started down the road of international adoption again. Already, we find ourselves humbled by the work the Lord is doing in our family, for the chance to glorify His great name and point people to Him.

We are now at a critical point in our journey to bring our daughter home. All of our FINAL paperwork has been received by our adoption agency. It feels insane to even type that. Our social worker is reviewing everything this week, and early next week, our papers will fly to China, and we will officially be a waiting family.

I can't believe we are here again. Standing on the edge of something so huge. We're honored that the Lord has asked us to do this again, and we cannot wait to see what He has in store for our family. We know that whatever it is, God will continue to move mountains.

And as we prepare to enter this next phase, we are trying to think and plan ahead, to get ready for whatever might happen. So we are asking our family, faith family and community to partner with us once again, to join with us as we seek to follow this mountain moving God.

We are selling a BRAND NEW, mountain moving t-shirt design during the weeks leading into the holiday season. Check it out!

 Tank top in Heather Deep Teal

 Tank top in Maroon 

 Baseball tee in Grey and Emerald 

 Long sleeve tee in Dark Grey Heather 

 Long sleeve tee in Forest Heather 

 Crew neck tee in Heather Clay 

Crew neck tee in Black 

Each shirt will come with a beautiful, printed thank you note from our family, making them the perfect Christmas gift for everyone on your list this year. The shirts will be $25-$27(includes shipping) and are available in sizes small through XXL.

Our goal is to sell 150 shirts by December 1. Will you be a mountain mover and partner with us to help bring Baby Knott #3 home for good?

And we promise they will be delivered in time for Christmas.

Click the link below to shop away!

www.theknottsadopt.bigcartel.com

With love,
Baylor

So That God Gets the Glory

It's so funny. When I look back at our journeys to Bradley and Asher, there are so many SPECIFIC instances I can point to that so clearly demonstrate God's sovereignty, His goodness, His love for us, His desire for His own name to be glorified. During those seemingly impossible years, Adam and I saw the Lord move in ways that are still beyond our comprehension. By God's grace alone, we found favor in the eyes of our government and the government of Ethiopia to proceed with an international adoption. With no experience as parents, we were somehow deemed suitable. As we walked what seemed to be an endless road toward parenthood, we watched God change our hearts, our marriage and, most importantly, our view of Him.

God glorified Himself in a breathtaking way as He slowly wound us toward our children. He used the platform of our family, our pain, our struggle and our redemption unto Him in order to bring glory to Himself alone. By compelling us to share our story as it was being written, He elevated His Name, allowing those walking the road with us to see what He alone is capable of achieving.

So why am I even a little bit surprised that He is doing the same EXACT thing this time around as we run toward our daughter in China? Don't know what I'm talking about? Allow me to explain.

We have been finished with our homestudy for awhile now. Which means we have been waiting on our immigration approval before we can send everything over to China and become a family waiting to be matched. More or less, our case has been in the hands of the U.S. government, and I have become a mailbox stalker, checking each and every day to see if our approval letter has come.

For a host of reasons, I have not been able to document this adoption process as thoroughly as I did the first. Something about a three year old and a one year old living in our house. But on Friday, I did share via Facebook a post that I had written four years ago that day. It talked about focusing on Christ instead of all the hardship and impossibility raging around us. At that time, I was thinking a lot about Peter walking on the water, doing the impossible only because Christ was enabling him to do it. So I shared that post again on Friday and asked our community to please pray that our clearance letter would come by the end of the following week.

Not two hours later, I received an email from immigration telling me that our case had been approved and that we could expect our clearance to arrive within 3-5 business days. EXACTLY THE TIME FRAME I HAD ASKED OUR FRIENDS TO PRAY FOR. I couldn't believe it (though I don't know why; the Lord has already moved mountains for us in this process). The thing I had been begging for for WEEKS. We share it publicly and get response in a matter of hours.

And I have a theory about that. God wanted to give Himself the glory. Might it have happened this way regardless? Sure. But I know for certain that when the Lord moves, He does so for our good and for His own glory. And I believe wholeheartedly that our sharing this request with our community provided an opportunity for God's sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, everythingness to be on full display for more than just our family.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

Yesterday morning, I got a phone call from our case worker. Somehow, she already had her copy of our clearance IN HER HAND. I thought it would be Friday at least before she had it. But then GOD. He is sovereign over the postal service! So our last document was sent for translation today!

And isn't that just like our Heavenly Father? We ask for something that feels impossible to us, and God not only does it, but then does something we wouldn't have even thought to ask for because it's actually beyond the realm of human possibility. He is bigger than we are!

So I tell you all this to keep you updated on our progress toward Baby Knott #3. But even more, I tell you this to remind us all of Whom we serve. He is a great and powerful God, and His Name deserves to be exalted high. So when God is doing something incredible in your life, SHARE IT. Not to turn the spotlight on yourself, but to shine it brightly on the Lord Almighty, to give Him the glory and honor that are rightly His.

With love,
Baylor

Progress!

A huge weight lifted on my shoulders to when I DROPPED OFF OUR I800A! Yes! You might be wondering what that means. Well, it means a few things. First, it means that we are being able to move forward with our adoption process. This is a BIG praise to the Lord Almighty. Secondly, it means that we are FINISHED with our home study. A to the MEN. And lastly, it means we are awaiting our pre-approval to bring our daughter home. Once we receive this approval, we will be able to send our dossier to China and at that point, we will officially be a waiting family.

So travel to China is still a loooooong way off, but we are at a huge milestone, and it feels good to celebrate a sense of true progress.

When Adam and I sit and talk about adding another daughter to our family, we are overcome with a sense of nervousness but also a deep sense of rightness. We know that this is what the Lord has for our family.

So today we are excited to be another step closer, and we are still praying for this sweet girl who will one day join our family.

With love,
Baylor

Mess This Up

We are in such a good place right now. Bradley and Asher are both thriving. They love each other so well. They are happy. They are healthy. We have found our rhythm. And when I sit back and look at them, I find myself feeling tempted to think,

"Why would I do something that could mess this up?"

It's tempting to say that we are done, our family is complete. Two kids and a dog. That's good, right? We both come from families with two kids. Two's company and three's a crowd, ya know? And the truth is, if that's what God had asked of our lives, we would be done. DONE.

But right in the middle of things moving and grooving along, God appears to have asked us to trust Him again and take the first step toward adding another daughter to our family. And while I am so, so excited, there is a part of me that KNOWS this will have such a profound impact on the two sweet babes who already share our home.

I remember having these same feelings right before Asher was born. Bradley was in such a good place. I felt like all of our hard work had paid off and we had finally turned a corner. He was so happy and eager to love. He was so obviously secure in his role as our son. And I just knew that when baby girl came along, he would take such a hit. And he did. The first three months were tough. I told Adam that we needed to get an apartment and Asher could live there with me while Bradley and Adam stayed in the house. Then after six months we could reconvene and see if we were ready to all live together. HA! Seriously, though. It was rough going.

But now! Now I watching these two play together and laugh. I watch my son help take care of his sister. And I just think, "YES. This is family. This is what it's about."

And then I get so excited about doing it again. About bringing another daughter into our family. About watching our current two learn to love her. About watching Babe #3 learn to love her brother and sister. About watching my own love grow again.

So this little family right here is not done growing just yet! 

I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do in each of us through this next adventure. And I am so thankful that so many of you have already linked arms with us to help get our girl home. We are still selling our t-shirts, baseball tees and tank tops to help fundraiser for this adoption. Shirts will be in sale through February 16. Our great big goal is 500 shirts sold. And our goal for this weekend is to get to 100. Right now, we are at 63 shirts sold. SO CLOSE! Will you help us today? Click the link below to shop!

www.theknotts.bigcartel.com

With love,
Baylor

Orphan Sunday

November is National Adoption Month and today is Orphan Sunday. I'm sitting here trying to sort out all that this means for my family and for the Gospel. Needless to day, there is a LOT swirling around in my head today. The care of orphans is so very central to the heart of God. His love for the fatherless was the catalyst for sending Christ to the cross. His death and resurrection are the means by which we can be adopted into God's family. A deep sacrifice that led to the creation of a beautiful family.

This truth is one I have heard countless times before. But it is different this year.

This year I know what it is to get a phone call telling you that you have a son. I know that it is to walk into an orphanage and see the child you love, your own child, sitting among the fatherless. I know what it means to stand before a judge and tell him, "Yes, I understand that this {the adoption of my child} is permanent and cannot be undone.” I know what it is to walk out of an orphanage with your child in your arms and know that the term “orphan” no longer applies to his life. I know the vast and glorious reward that comes from fighting for your child.

The harsh reality is that there are 153 MILLION orphans living on our planet today. That number is far too staggering to comprehend. I don't think I have ever seen 153 million of anything, let alone children who need and DESERVE families. And because that number is so mind-numbingly huge, it is easy to ignore. I used to have this discussion with my students when we studied the Holocaust and the loss of six million Jewish lives in one war. We would talk about how the enormity of the number tempts us to hold it at arm's length, to keep it impersonal. And then we would talk about how wrong it is to do that.

The same holds true here. One hundred fifty three million children without families is not acceptable. It should not be acceptable to a secular society with any kind of moral compass, but it most certainly should not be acceptable to the church.

We, as Christians, have been adopted. We were spiritual orphans, and God DID SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. He MOVED. He SACRIFICED. And He did so because of LOVE. He loves us. Enough that He was willing to do the unthinkable to redeem us unto Himself.

How then can we, as recipients of such lavish love close our hearts and homes to those who are exactly where we were? We simply cannot. We cannot let that number intimidate us or keep us from action. We cannot fall victim to the lie that because we cannot do everything that we might as well do nothing. There is not an immediate solution to the orphan crisis. It is something that will be taken on one life, one child at a time. And that is OK. All we have to do is being willing to walk where God leads.

Clearly, I am an adoption advocate. Adoption gave me one of my most precious gifts: my son, but please know that I am not saying every Christian should adopt (although I would love that!). I am saying that every Christ follower must be involved in some way in caring for the fatherless. It is God's heartbeat. He commands it. And it is too beautiful for words.

There are so many way to do this:

-Adoption
-Foster care
-Orphan care ministries
-Orphan prevention ministries
-Birth mother ministries
-Respite care for foster families

God calls us to love the world and that means loving the people who live in it.

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” 

John 13:35 

“For He chose us before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ in accordance to His pleasure and will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.”

Ephesians 1:4-6

With deep love,
Baylor

A Love That Grows

I'm constantly amazed by how much the Lord is teaching me and revealing to me as I make this transition into motherhood. He is changing me and molding me, yet again, into a completely new person. In one of my recent posts, I talked about how some of that has been painful and less than pretty. A lot of sin has been brought to the surface during this very sanctifying experience.

But there is this new phenomenon I have been seeing take place over the last two weeks.

When you are going through the adoption process and attending countless classes, conferences and online seminars, you are warned time and again that it is not always "love at first sight" with adoption. That for some families, it takes time to get to a place where you truly feel like a family. God was very gracious to us in that we both fell head over heels with Bradley the moment we saw him. Then that love was confirmed when we finally got our feet on Ethiopian soil to meet him.

Then we got home and the reality of parenting a child from a very hard place set in. It was so much harder than I ever imagined possible. I loved Bradley so much, and I knew that he was my son. But he didn't know that. To him, I was just a lady who had taken him away from all he had ever known. I had to FIGHT SO HARD for his heart. Day by day, minute by minute showing him that I love him, that he is mine. And that those are good things.

And rarely was that love returned. The first several weeks home were mostly trying to get him to stop crying. I have hesitated and wavered back and forth about sharing a lot about this period of our family's life because it is so personal, and it is part of our son's story. But I do feel a sense of obligation to be honest about what adoption really looks like after the airport and behind the pictures. So I am going to use broad strokes here.

Bradley was scared. Everything in his little life had changed. Every single thing. How terrifying for a baby. So every moment of my day was spent teaching him that this is a safe place, that he is loved, that he will always have enough to eat, that he doesn't need to be afraid, that he can stop crying. Please stop crying.

I loved this boy so much, but life did NOT look like I wanted it to.

The Lord sent His Spirit into our home and carried us through those first weeks.

But over the last few weeks I have noticed a shift. It was very subtle at first, but now I am seeing it more and more clearly.

Bradley loves us back.

We have crossed the shaky bridge from being a source of food and cleanliness to being people he truly loves and wants to be with. I see it in the way he reacts when I walk in a room or when Adam comes home from work. He smiles and giggles, lets out a squeal of delight and reaches for us without screaming. When playing, he will randomly crawl into my lap just to give me a hug and then go right back to what he was doing.

He sees us as his mom and dad. He has learned what those words mean, and, more importantly, he has applied them to us. I could collapse on the floor and weep for this. My son sees me they way I have always seen him. The Lord has grown his love for us, and truthfully, He has grown our love for Bradley, too. Each day we feel more and more like a family.

Don't get me wrong. There are still a LOT of hard days. There is still a TON of crying. But the undertone is different. He wants to be consoled, and he wants me to be the one to do that. He wants to play with us, not just sit in our laps or be held.

He is learning what it means to be a family, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Our God is a God of miracles. Truly.

With love,
Baylor

I Need Jesus

I cannot believe that we have been home with Bradley for three months. Being flung headlong into parenthood with a toddler has been more of a learning experience than I ever dreamed possible. My expectations have been tossed out the window, and I am learning more and more each day just how much I HAVE TO hang on to Jesus in order to be a mom.

Bradley has grown and changed so much in these few months with us. This has been such a testimony to the power of God's design for the family unit. Bradley has THRIVED under the love of a mom and a dad. He is learning to trust us as his providers and to come to us for love and comfort. He is gaining independence, too. He crawls and cruises all over the house to play. This is such a miracle to me because when he first came home, he would cry as soon as I put him down. Now, he is able to go from being held to playing and back again. He is eating like a boss, loves bath time and is even starting to interact more with sweet Daisy girl.

Simply put: He is not the same child I brought home from Ethiopia three months ago. The Lord has grafted this boy into our family and rooted him way down deep in our hearts. And each day we see him reciprocate that a little more.

Those are the awesome things.

But there have been some tough things, too.

The Lord is using motherhood to reveal this whole new stockpile of sin that I never knew I had. How fun! He is using this sweet boy to sanctify me and remind me that I NEED Jesus every second of every day.

So often I feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted and lose my patience. It is HARD to be a parent, and it is REALLY HARD to parent a child who has not known you from birth, a child who has lost everything he ever knew, a child who is (rightfully) scared. And the Lord is showing me that I really thought I could do it on my own. I could not have been more wrong. Being a mom has required more grace, patience and love than I ever imagined. But I am so thankful that God is using this beautiful boy to show me these things, that through being Bradley's mom I am learning to lean more on God.

I think that I believed that because it took us SO LONG to become parents that everything would go a certain way (and by that I mean MY way) once we got home. But things just didn't. Bradley struggled. We struggled. He cried. I cried. It was so hard. Impossibly hard. And I learned, yet again, that I had imposed my will on God and then gotten upset when everything didn't go the way I thought it should.

I mean, you would think I could learn a lesson by now, right?

I hunkered down into some very appealing self-righteousness, reminding God that we had already done the hard stuff and that now there should only be joy and happiness and rainbows.

But in these recent days and weeks, through seeing so much progress in my son, God has shown me that ANYTHING worth having is worth working your tail off for. And anything worth fighting that hard for will require an ENORMOUS amount of faith in God Almighty. The Lord has shown me that He will most assuredly give me all kinds of things that I just CANNOT HANDLE. Because those things force me to turn away from my own power and back to Him.

And that's the point of it all, right?

For us to lean so heavily on God that when the seemingly impossible happens in our lives all the glory and credit go immediately and inarguably back to Him.

So maybe you just brought home the baby you have prayed over for years and it's not going the way you thought it would. Maybe you are begging God to give you a spouse. Maybe your teenager is going off the rails. Maybe you are fighting for your marriage. Whatever it is, you cannot handle it. You and me? We are weak. But we serve a mighty and powerful God who is sovereign over every tiny detail that has ever existed in the history of time. And He knows you, sees your circumstance and has power over it. And best of all, He loves you. Not the you you are trying to become, but the you you are right now. And He is FOR you. Please cry out to Him. Ask for His strength and mercy. Ask for His guidance and grace. He will answer. It might not look the way you want it to, and you might have to learn some TOUGH things about yourself on the way, but I PROMISE the risk is worth the reward. I promise.

With love,
Baylor

Say What?: Adoption and Pregnancy

If you haven't read my previous post, please take a moment to do so HERE before you read this.

Everyone has heard the stories about couples who try for years to have biological children and then get pregnant once they adopt. The Lord has decided to make that our story. But I want to tell you that this is not the case for the VAST MAJORITY of couples who walk this road. This path is one that is full of hurt, fear, shame and anger. I know because I walked it for four and a half years. I know how much it hurts to see person after person in your life have children while you remain childless. I know how hollow words can sound, even when they come with the best of intentions.

So I wanted to take a moment today to share some things that come from deep within my heart. I wish so much that there was a way for me to clarify my tone in this post. I'm fear that I may come across as angry or self-righteous. Please know that is not how I feel at all. I feel very humbled by our current reality, and I feel a profound need to speak for those who are on a difficult journey. Imagine me sitting on your couch with a cup of coffee, speaking quietly and sincerely. That's where I am today.


If you know someone, myself included, whose story includes adoption and then pregnancy soon after, I want to humbly ask you to be slow to say some of the following things:

-"I just knew this would happen."

No one knew this would happen. Especially not me. There were years of hurt, deep hurt, about not being able to have a biological child. We walked the path of adoption believing wholeheartedly that it was the only one we would know, and we were honored to be called to such a life. Hearing that someone knew it would happen makes the suffering feel small, makes me feel like I should have known this all along, makes me feel like my faith was not enough and if it had been then the last four years would not have been so hard. And it makes me feel like people believe we adopted in order to also have a biological child. Not one of these things is true.

-"This always happens."

I think this is the hardest one to hear. Mainly because it doesn't always happen. It almost never happens. I think the perception is that it happens a lot because these are the stories people tell, so we feel like we hear it all the time. I have met hundreds of women on this adoption journey, hundreds, and two of them have had this happen. I know so many beautiful women with faithful hearts who long for both adopted children and biological children and their reality is that it might not ever happen. That is the same reality I lived with for years, too. Hearing that "it always happens" hurts so much because those of us walking this road know it might not happen. And for those of us who did get pregnant soon after, it cheapens what we have experienced.

-"You must have finally been relaxed."

I cannot speak for everyone who has experienced what Adam and I are currently walking through, but I can say this. Sweet Baby #2 came our way sometime between our trips to Ethiopia. It was the most stressful month of my entire life. We had just left our son in an orphanage, and we did not know how long it would be until we could go back and get him. The week after we got home, my sweet, sweet grandfather went to be with Jesus. It was such a deep loss for me, especially coupled with the fact that we were away from our son. That month might be the hardest month I will ever live through, and it was in the midst of that that the Lord brought us this very unexpected gift. I can say for certain that I was not relaxed, and I know that, ultimately, my state of mind has very little to do with what God is up to in our lives. This is God's story; we are just the instruments.



If you you know someone who is in the adoption process and struggling to have biological children, too, I want to ask you from the bottom of my hear to be cautious in using these next few phrases.

-"Don't worry. As soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant."

Oh, I had so many people say this to me. I would nod and smile along, but in reality I wanted to hide in a closet and cry. It is so hard to hear this, and it is hard for a few different reasons. The first is that there is absolutely no guarantee that this will actually happen for anyone. We reached a place where I fully and completely believed that I would never carry a child into this world. It was a hard reality, but I was doing my best to trust God with my life. When people would say this to me, it would just remind me of what I was not going to experience. The second thing that is so hard about hearing this is that it sounds like the only reason I am adopting is to get pregnant. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I feel confident saying that about every single adoptive mom I know. We adopt because we believe it is God's calling on our life, because we have a deep love for a child brought into the world by another woman, because want to. We do not adopt to trick God or the universe into letting us have a biological child, too.

-"I'm praying so hard that you'll get pregnant after you get this baby home."

I heard this a lot, too. And I appreciate the prayers and the sentiment, but I was not praying for that to happen. I was praying for God to protect Bradley and bring him home and prepare my heart and his to be united as a family. Hearing this, along with the previous statement, really makes it seem like adoption is second tier parenting or second best. Like once I have a biological child, then I am legitimate. Those feelings hurt, and they simply are not true. I cannot imagine loving a child more than I love Bradley, and there is nothing in my biology that ties me to him. I even jokingly told my mom on the plane ride over to bring him home that if the Lord ever chose to bless us with a biological child I hoped I would love him as much as I love Bradley. Please be careful with statements like these, as they can hurt an already wounded heart.

-"I have this friend who tried for years to get pregnant, and then she adopted and BOOM...twins."

I know that we love to share stories to encourage people we love. I do it all the time. But for a woman struggling through infertility, these stories are not encouraging. At least they were not for me. She may nod and smile and thank you when you say it, but chances are she is dying inside because she believes with her whole heart that that will never be her. Because the truth is that there are people in this world who walk through all of life and never get the thing they want most. Maybe it's a spouse. Maybe it's a child. And hearing story after story of it happening for seemingly everyone else is so hard because you know that it might not ever be you. So if you find yourself about to share a story about someone you know who became pregnant right after an adoption, please ask yourself if sharing it will truly help the person you love or if it runs the risk of hurting them even more. And I would urge you to err on the side of caution. Please be slow to share and quick to listen. That is what those on this road need the most.

With deep love,
Baylor

Peaks and Valleys

Peaks and valleys.

That has been my answer to all of the wonderful people in my life asking how things are going with Bradley. And it is so true. There are days when I feel on top of the world, like I can totally do this mom thing. Then there are days when I feel like I just cannot get anything right, like I have NO business being a mom.

After LOTS of education and research over three years, Adam and I decided that we were committed to one month of really intense attachment parenting with our little man. Here's what that looked like: we were the only ones to hold him, feed him, touch him, change him, bathe him, comfort him. We were holding him all the time, lots of intense eye contact, almost always at least one hand on him, responding to cries immediately. In doing this, we had a very specific goal. We wanted Bradley to understand what it means to have parents, and we wanted him to fully recognize that WE are his parents, the safest and most loving people in his world.

This led to a lot of peaks and a lot of valleys.

As the days went by, we were getting more smiles and even some laughs. We were watching him start to reach for us and REALLY prefer to be held at all times (my arms muscles are getting ripped). We also got to watch him make HUGE strides in his development.

But there were a LOT of moments in that first month home that left me feeling like I would never, could never be the mom I wanted to be. Moms tell you that they know their children's different cries. I didn't. Some days, he was inconsolable, only wanting to be held while he cried. It was so hard.

So much of this is related to grief. Yes, Bradley joined our family forever when we walked out of the orphanage gates, but he also lost his home and the women who had loved him and cared for him. I cannot imagine how confused and hurt he must have been, wondering what happened to all of the familiar faces he had come to know. And to now have this woman who clearly doesn't know what she is doing.

Adoption is a beautiful, redemptive and impossibly hard thing.

Week four was particularly tough. It was Adam's first week back at work, and I was finally on my own. I was doing the very thing I had begged God to let me do, AND IT WAS SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

But there is God's grace again. Carrying me through and reminding me that I cannot be the mom I want to be without Him right at the center.

So whatever it is you're doing, know that God can be right there with you if you let him. I am learning each day what a weak vessel I am. A true jar of clay. But all of this points me right back to Jesus, reminding me of my deep and desperate need for Him.

Love,
Baylor

But Then You Get Home

For the last 3+ years, our life has been full of paperwork and classes and reading and forms and fingerprints and WAITING. And then it was full of travel and court and embassy and the longest day ever to get from Ethiopia to Birmingham. And it was all so hard...

But then you get home.

And there is a tiny person in your house. THE PERSON you have prayed over and begged God to bring to you. The one you have dreamed of for years. He lives in your house.

And in that moment, you realize that you have NO IDEA what you are doing! Ha!

Oh, the last three weeks have been wonderful. We have watched our son (you know, the one who lives in our house now) absolutely blossom. He is growing in all directions. He is making up his losses in leaps and bounds. In three weeks, he has gone from slow crawling to speed racing to pulling to stand to taking very shaky steps with our help. IN THREE WEEKS. He is laughing and smiling. He is playing. He loves his swimming pool and bath time. He is not too sure about his dog (although she really wants to be his best friend). He is gaining confidence. He is not scared anymore.

This brings me back to the whole I have no idea what I'm doing part.

I don't. I have never been a mom before. Everything I know about being a mother I am learning from my one year old completely on the fly. I haven't successfully raised a herd of children. I am just working on the one who's been with me since mid-July.

And that is my point. Bradley has made all of these gains with a mom who is a total novice. It does not take any expertise to love a child. And that is what adoption is. It is choosing to love the beautiful child God has placed into your family.

So you might feel like you don't have what it takes to adopt, like you wouldn't know what to do. Let me set your mind at ease. You don't and you won't. But Christ does, and maybe He is nudging you, asking you to step out in faith and say yes to adopting a child. It is an awesome and radical thing. And I still cannot believe that God asked us to do this. Surely we are among the least qualified, but He is greater.

Yes, there have been moments that have seemed impossibly difficult. Moments when I felt sure that Bradley deserved a better mom than I could ever be. But God brought us together. He brought this child into our family in the most incredible way, and I love him. So I can and will, through God's strength, fight through those moments. And if the Lord is tugging at your life and asking you to adopt, then He will do the same for you.

With love,
Baylor

Ethiopia Trip Two: One BIG Post About Bringing Bradley Home

Remember that time I told you I was going to Ethiopia to pick up my son and disappeared for three weeks? Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out life with a one year old does not lend itself to long periods of thoughtful silence during which I can record and share all of the beauty God has written and is writing in my life. In fact, the only reason I am getting this post out is that my SAINT of a husband is putting our sweet love down for the night, giving me roughly thirty minutes of quiet. Yay for marriage!

There is so much I want and need to say about my time in Ethiopia this month. And I am still working on processing through it all, but I do want to share that week with you.

Before I do that, though, I have to give and enormous shout of recognition to someone who was with me in Ethiopia, though you will not see her in any of the pictures; she was behind the lens. My mother. I have always known that she is an incredible, loving and selfless woman. But our week together in Ethiopia absolutely blew my mind. She flew half way around the world to SERVE. She did not come with any expectations, and she was there for me and for Bradley in the beautiful moments and in the difficult and often messy moments. She did things that I did not know existed (ummm....washing footie pajamas full of poop in the toilet??), and she did them without ever complaining or hesitating. Mom, you are the single most incredible woman I have ever and will ever know. You are a SHINING example of the selfless, servant leadership Christ calls us to. How blessed by God am I to have been raised by such a woman. I pray that the Lord will allow me to become such a mother one day. And if He does, my journey began with you. I love you.

We walked back in to the place that has been on my mind since the day we left last month. 

It's wash day. 

Once we arrived, we had to wait a few minutes (felt like forever) for his nannies to get him ready to leave his home for good. I cannot even begin to imagine what these sweet women were thinking as they held this boy they have loved and cared for for the last time. 

 And then they brought him down, and I knew I would never have to be without him again. 

 He was most unsure about what was going on. 

 But we did manage to get a quick smile out of him. 

 With the head nanny who took the time to answer all of my questions.

 The beautiful woman who carried him out of his room and down to his mom. 

 And sweet, sweet Tizita, our translator and all things wonderful, who helped our family on both trips and so obviously loves what she does. 

 We took one last look around his room upstairs to say good bye, and then he walked down those stairs for the very last time. 

 The nannies were so sad to see him go and so happy that he was finally with his family. 

 Walking out of the building.

 I think he must have been kissed a thousand times that day. 

 It made me so grateful to see how deeply these women love the children they help raise. 

 One last kiss good bye...

 And it was finally time. Time to do the thing we set out to do three years, three months and three days prior to this moment. Time to walk out of the orphanage with our son. Because he doesn't belong there any more. He belongs with us. 

 And here we go. 

 Out in the great big world. 

 Time to leave. 

 Our first night at the hotel together was so sweet. He held this pose, with the spoon in his mouth, unsure of what to do. But when he tasted that food for the first time, his sweet little eyes lit up and he had no trouble gobbling down the rest of it. 

 Getting better with the spoon. 

 Playing on the floor with mom. 

 It is incredible to watch and see what a difference one-on-one attention makes for a child. 

 And our first bottle. 

 First meal in the hotel restaurant. 

 Our days looked a lot like this. 

 Lots of face time with mom. 

 Crawling! 

 And about 23 million hugs. 

 We were not allowed to leave our hotel once we had Bradley in our custody, so we became VERY fond of our balcony. 

 Lots of time out here. 

 And playing and eating and playing and eating. 

 Precious boy. 

 Our Embassy interview was on Tuesday morning, and we got his visa the very next day! 

 Already looking healthier. 

 And we are getting lots more smiles. 

 Finally it was time to head home. I'll be honest. I was so nervous about the flight. Sixteen hours on one plane with a  one year old. Gulp. 

The airline we used has bassinet attachments for families traveling with babies. We were told by everyone to get to the airport early because they are first come, first served. So we got to the airport in Addis FIVE hours before our flight took off and were told that there were no bassinet seats available. How could that be? We were literally the first people in line. My heart sank and then started galloping. Sixteen hours of holding this boy who has never been on a plane and has only known me for five days. Oh my. 

Praise be to God because the Lord intervened on our behalf. When the flight attendant in our cabin saw our situation, she informed the man in the bulkhead seat (where the bassinet attaches) that he needed to move because I had a baby. He said he wanted the leg room of an aisle seat, and then a TOTAL STRANGER, who I think might have been an angel of the Lord, offered up his aisle seat and took my window seat so that I could have the bassinet. I could not believe it. So my mom and I did not get to sit together, but I did not have to keep Bradley in my lap for the whole flight. Thank you Hable, sweet flight attendant and thank you man I don't know for offering to move seats on a sixteen hour overnight flight. I love you both. Really and truly. 

 And this is how we spent the second leg of that flight. Dublin to D.C. The boy loves to be held. 

And about 14 hours in. 

I agree. 

After sixteen hours, we finally made our descent into Washington D.C. And as soon as those wheels touched down, my boy was a citizen. I was sobbing in my seat. 

I could not believe that the Lord had carried us here to the finish line that is more like a starting line. He did it. 

 We made it through customs, and it was on to Charlotte. 

 Quick stop for dinner. 

And then we hit the wall. Our LAST flight was canceled. We were a one hour hop from home and completely stuck. When they made the announcement, I looked at my mom and told her that I did not have the capacity to handle this. I had been awake for almost forty hours and traveling for over thirty. With a baby. I will spare you the HORRIBLE dealings we had with US Air because this is a happy post, but we ended up running (literally) onto a flight to Montgomery. And my CHAMPION family, who had been waiting to meet us at the Birmingham airport to celebrate Bradley's homecoming, hopped in their cars and flew down the interstate to Montgomery. 

 And there he was. The man who fought side by side with me to get our boy home. 

 I don't have a caption for this one. 

 Or this one. 

But we were finally all three together. 

 Looking at his dad. Buddy, you don't even know how this man loves you. 

 So relieved to be home. 

 I wish I could tell you exactly what I was thinking here, but I don't know that I can. 

 I am just so humbled that Lord has seen fit to make this my story. 

 The road has been long and full of pitfalls and obstacles. It has not been the easy path I likely would have chosen for myself. But I am who I am because of what the Lord has done. 

 And He gave me to most wonderful support system. 

 Meeting his crazy Aunt BB. 

 Oh, how I love my family. 

 Nana and Big Mike

 This woman prayed hard to get our boy home. 

 Uncle Dave and Aunt Farren. 

 And Bradley's namesake. 

 One of the best men I know. 

 And meeting his cousin Sydney. 

 Back with his dad. 

 My heart. 

 Finally. 

 And the woman behind the airport pictures, Jennifer, and her sweet Abigail. 

 This little man already has so many people who love him. 

People who love him well. 

I hope to get more out soon. But I make no guarantees. At least not for another few weeks! 

With deep love, 

Baylor