Yesterday marked one whole month since we saw our girl's face for the very first time. It's been one whole month of being absolutely blown away by God's favor and faithfulness in the life of our family, one whole month of totally readjusting our plans, one whole month of trying to get our heads around the reality that we have a daughter who will be coming home this summer.
Referral day left us stunned, marveling at God's goodness and wondering how on earth we would be able to pull this off. And that is where we went wrong. WE are not going to pull this off. God is. A referral this soon is so beyond our capability to manage, and that reality is leading us to trust in our mighty God in a whole new way.
About a week after being matched, we came to you--our community-- with a need. A BIG one. We thought we had at least a year to get everything we needed saved in order to complete this adoption. God turned that timeline on its head, and we were left to trust Him to provide for us to bring our girl home. And He led us to you. We did something so completely out of our comfort zone, something I had promised myself I would never do. We asked you to prayerfully consider supporting us by donating directly to our adoption. My stomach was in knots when I published that post.
But then God use YOU to absolutely blow us away. In the last three weeks, YOU have donated nearly $9,000 to help us bring our daughter home.
I am speechless.
You are giving our family the most incredible gift there is. You are allowing us to become parents to this precious girl. You are using your resources, your hard earned resources, to say that you believe children deserve families. You are telling us that you love our daughter, that she matters to YOU, that her life is important and that she deserves a mom, a dad, a brother and a sister (a dog, too).
You are part of our story, of her story. And we will never be able to thank you enough. But I'll say it anyway: Thank you for loving our family. Thank you for believing in us and walking with us. Thank you for loving our daughter, for helping us get to her. Thank you for responding when God spoke to your heart. Thank you for being our village. Thank you.
Click HERE to see what you have done!
We love each of you so dearly.
Baylor
Showing posts with label Celebrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebrations. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2018
Monday, March 5, 2018
A Mountain Thrown Into The Sea: Seeing Her Face
So on Thursday morning, I was sitting in my car in our church parking lot about to go in and teach an ESL class on the proper use of the present continuous tense. As I was trying to eat my granola bar and finish my coffee, my phone rang. It was Maggie, our social worker. I immediately thought, "Which form did I forget to sign?" Our papers have only been in China since the end of November, so I knew nothing had expired, and I was planning on a 12-18 month wait for a referral.
I answered, and she responded with a very happy sounding, "Hey, Baylor, How are you?"
My heart immediately dropped into my shoes. There is only one reason an adoption social worker uses that hopeful, upbeat tone of voice.
YOU GUYS. WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED WITH OUR DAUGHTER.
I had no eloquent words for Maggie. No gracious response. I was stunned into near silence.
Somehow, I managed to listen as she told me a little bit about our precious girl and that she would email us her file and picture. I feel like I am usually pretty well-spoken, but I could barely get out complete sentences. At some point, I told her I needed to talk to Adam and that I would call her back.
I ran upstairs and told our ministry leader that I could not, in fact, give a lesson on the present continuous tense today but that my lesson plan was in her inbox. She graciously understood and I raced off to Adam's clinic.
On the way, I called him and called him and called him. No answer. So I did what I only do in emergencies. I voice paged him. He, of course, thought something was wrong, but I told him to just call me back right away.
He did, and I got to break the very best kind of news to him. We have a referral! He was just as shocked as I was.
A few moments later, in a supply closet at his clinic, we saw her face for the very first time.
And later that afternoon, we got to do the most AMAZING thing. We got show Bradley and Asher their new little sister for the very first time.
I answered, and she responded with a very happy sounding, "Hey, Baylor, How are you?"
My heart immediately dropped into my shoes. There is only one reason an adoption social worker uses that hopeful, upbeat tone of voice.
YOU GUYS. WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED WITH OUR DAUGHTER.
I had no eloquent words for Maggie. No gracious response. I was stunned into near silence.
Somehow, I managed to listen as she told me a little bit about our precious girl and that she would email us her file and picture. I feel like I am usually pretty well-spoken, but I could barely get out complete sentences. At some point, I told her I needed to talk to Adam and that I would call her back.
I ran upstairs and told our ministry leader that I could not, in fact, give a lesson on the present continuous tense today but that my lesson plan was in her inbox. She graciously understood and I raced off to Adam's clinic.
On the way, I called him and called him and called him. No answer. So I did what I only do in emergencies. I voice paged him. He, of course, thought something was wrong, but I told him to just call me back right away.
He did, and I got to break the very best kind of news to him. We have a referral! He was just as shocked as I was.
A few moments later, in a supply closet at his clinic, we saw her face for the very first time.
These are screen grabs from a video, so pardon the blurriness.
But I think the sentiment in clear.
We are in love.
And also in shock!
And later that afternoon, we got to do the most AMAZING thing. We got show Bradley and Asher their new little sister for the very first time.
Bradley's first words?
"We go get her now?"
My feelings, exactly.
Asher's first words to her new sister?
"Hi!"
Oh, dear friends, we are awed and humbled by God's abundant grace and favor in our family. With our first adoption, it seemed like we ran into every single brick wall that existed, like we would never get to Bradley. And then with Asher, well, we just didn't even think she was in the realm of possibility for us. And now, to see the Lord extend His hand of mercy to us in this powerful, tangible, real-life way....well, we are speechless expect to say, "Thank you, Lord."
So it looks like we are going to travel to China early this summer to bring our girl home. That's in like three months. GULP.
More is coming soon on what the next few months hold in store, but for now, we just ask you to join us in thanking our great and powerful God for working a MIRACLE for our family's good and His glory!
“Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain,
‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart
but believes that what they say will happen,
it will be done for them."
Mark 11:23
With love,
Baylor
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Beauty from Ashes
Tomorrow marks three weeks since our sweet Asher girl made her grand entrance into the world. To say that the last three weeks have stretched me would be an understatement of Biblical proportions. Suddenly being a mom of two and having a newborn for the first time have both rocked my tiny world. Where did all of the sleep go? When is it coming back?
But truly, the last few weeks have been some of the most sacred of my life.
To hold my tiny baby girl, to be the one who has been meeting her needs from day one has been an incredible gift. To watch Bradley slowly open himself up to her and love her in his toddler way has made me so proud of him. To see him try his best to work through this tough transition after so little time home... well, that has both broken and mended my heart.
I am, once again, watching our family change, and in that change, the Lord’s hand is so clearly evident. Our family is a miracle. Both of our children “shouldn’t” be with us. Yet here they are. Both miracles in completely different but oh so similar ways.
There was a moment in Ethiopia. We had just climbed the stairs that led to Bradley’s room on our very first day. We were about to meet our son. I had never been so nervous in my entire life. As I turned to my left, I saw just the back of his head and then his face. And I had one thought.
“He’s real.”
He wasn’t a picture any more. He was a real baby boy in my arms. He was mine. It was such a powerful feeling, one I was quite unprepared for after a sleepless flight over the Atlantic. But I was suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of Bradley, and through that, the reality of God’s unwavering faithfulness. I will never forget the details of that day.
And three weeks ago, after one last push, when my head collapsed on the pillow as Asher finally came into the world, the delivery nurse said, “No, no. Look at her.” And I picked my head back up and saw my daughter in the doctor’s hands. I had just one thought.
“She’s real.”
She wasn’t a wish or a prayer any more. She wasn’t a grainy, black and white ultrasound image. She was my daughter, and she was right there. Then they gave her to me, and I was holding her. Holding my daughter. What a beautiful moment. I will never forget it.
It was exactly like meeting Bradley for the first time. Both of these children, suddenly real and definitely mine.
And in that, I was instantly reminded of God’s goodness. That He builds families in His own beautiful ways. I saw and recognized that my children are the answers to a thousand desperate prayers.
God has given me true beauty from ashes.
With love,
Baylor
But truly, the last few weeks have been some of the most sacred of my life.
To hold my tiny baby girl, to be the one who has been meeting her needs from day one has been an incredible gift. To watch Bradley slowly open himself up to her and love her in his toddler way has made me so proud of him. To see him try his best to work through this tough transition after so little time home... well, that has both broken and mended my heart.
I am, once again, watching our family change, and in that change, the Lord’s hand is so clearly evident. Our family is a miracle. Both of our children “shouldn’t” be with us. Yet here they are. Both miracles in completely different but oh so similar ways.
There was a moment in Ethiopia. We had just climbed the stairs that led to Bradley’s room on our very first day. We were about to meet our son. I had never been so nervous in my entire life. As I turned to my left, I saw just the back of his head and then his face. And I had one thought.
“He’s real.”
He wasn’t a picture any more. He was a real baby boy in my arms. He was mine. It was such a powerful feeling, one I was quite unprepared for after a sleepless flight over the Atlantic. But I was suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of Bradley, and through that, the reality of God’s unwavering faithfulness. I will never forget the details of that day.
And three weeks ago, after one last push, when my head collapsed on the pillow as Asher finally came into the world, the delivery nurse said, “No, no. Look at her.” And I picked my head back up and saw my daughter in the doctor’s hands. I had just one thought.
“She’s real.”
She wasn’t a wish or a prayer any more. She wasn’t a grainy, black and white ultrasound image. She was my daughter, and she was right there. Then they gave her to me, and I was holding her. Holding my daughter. What a beautiful moment. I will never forget it.
It was exactly like meeting Bradley for the first time. Both of these children, suddenly real and definitely mine.
And in that, I was instantly reminded of God’s goodness. That He builds families in His own beautiful ways. I saw and recognized that my children are the answers to a thousand desperate prayers.
God has given me true beauty from ashes.
Right before we walked out the door to go to the hospital.
This verse stayed in our entryway for the last three weeks leading up to Asher’s birthday.
A constant reminder of God’s faithfulness.
With love,
Baylor
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
A Love That Grows
I'm constantly amazed by how much the Lord is teaching me and revealing to me as I make this transition into motherhood. He is changing me and molding me, yet again, into a completely new person. In one of my recent posts, I talked about how some of that has been painful and less than pretty. A lot of sin has been brought to the surface during this very sanctifying experience.
But there is this new phenomenon I have been seeing take place over the last two weeks.
When you are going through the adoption process and attending countless classes, conferences and online seminars, you are warned time and again that it is not always "love at first sight" with adoption. That for some families, it takes time to get to a place where you truly feel like a family. God was very gracious to us in that we both fell head over heels with Bradley the moment we saw him. Then that love was confirmed when we finally got our feet on Ethiopian soil to meet him.
Then we got home and the reality of parenting a child from a very hard place set in. It was so much harder than I ever imagined possible. I loved Bradley so much, and I knew that he was my son. But he didn't know that. To him, I was just a lady who had taken him away from all he had ever known. I had to FIGHT SO HARD for his heart. Day by day, minute by minute showing him that I love him, that he is mine. And that those are good things.
And rarely was that love returned. The first several weeks home were mostly trying to get him to stop crying. I have hesitated and wavered back and forth about sharing a lot about this period of our family's life because it is so personal, and it is part of our son's story. But I do feel a sense of obligation to be honest about what adoption really looks like after the airport and behind the pictures. So I am going to use broad strokes here.
Bradley was scared. Everything in his little life had changed. Every single thing. How terrifying for a baby. So every moment of my day was spent teaching him that this is a safe place, that he is loved, that he will always have enough to eat, that he doesn't need to be afraid, that he can stop crying. Please stop crying.
I loved this boy so much, but life did NOT look like I wanted it to.
The Lord sent His Spirit into our home and carried us through those first weeks.
But over the last few weeks I have noticed a shift. It was very subtle at first, but now I am seeing it more and more clearly.
Bradley loves us back.
We have crossed the shaky bridge from being a source of food and cleanliness to being people he truly loves and wants to be with. I see it in the way he reacts when I walk in a room or when Adam comes home from work. He smiles and giggles, lets out a squeal of delight and reaches for us without screaming. When playing, he will randomly crawl into my lap just to give me a hug and then go right back to what he was doing.
He sees us as his mom and dad. He has learned what those words mean, and, more importantly, he has applied them to us. I could collapse on the floor and weep for this. My son sees me they way I have always seen him. The Lord has grown his love for us, and truthfully, He has grown our love for Bradley, too. Each day we feel more and more like a family.
Don't get me wrong. There are still a LOT of hard days. There is still a TON of crying. But the undertone is different. He wants to be consoled, and he wants me to be the one to do that. He wants to play with us, not just sit in our laps or be held.
He is learning what it means to be a family, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Our God is a God of miracles. Truly.
With love,
Baylor
But there is this new phenomenon I have been seeing take place over the last two weeks.
When you are going through the adoption process and attending countless classes, conferences and online seminars, you are warned time and again that it is not always "love at first sight" with adoption. That for some families, it takes time to get to a place where you truly feel like a family. God was very gracious to us in that we both fell head over heels with Bradley the moment we saw him. Then that love was confirmed when we finally got our feet on Ethiopian soil to meet him.
Then we got home and the reality of parenting a child from a very hard place set in. It was so much harder than I ever imagined possible. I loved Bradley so much, and I knew that he was my son. But he didn't know that. To him, I was just a lady who had taken him away from all he had ever known. I had to FIGHT SO HARD for his heart. Day by day, minute by minute showing him that I love him, that he is mine. And that those are good things.
And rarely was that love returned. The first several weeks home were mostly trying to get him to stop crying. I have hesitated and wavered back and forth about sharing a lot about this period of our family's life because it is so personal, and it is part of our son's story. But I do feel a sense of obligation to be honest about what adoption really looks like after the airport and behind the pictures. So I am going to use broad strokes here.
Bradley was scared. Everything in his little life had changed. Every single thing. How terrifying for a baby. So every moment of my day was spent teaching him that this is a safe place, that he is loved, that he will always have enough to eat, that he doesn't need to be afraid, that he can stop crying. Please stop crying.
I loved this boy so much, but life did NOT look like I wanted it to.
The Lord sent His Spirit into our home and carried us through those first weeks.
But over the last few weeks I have noticed a shift. It was very subtle at first, but now I am seeing it more and more clearly.
Bradley loves us back.
We have crossed the shaky bridge from being a source of food and cleanliness to being people he truly loves and wants to be with. I see it in the way he reacts when I walk in a room or when Adam comes home from work. He smiles and giggles, lets out a squeal of delight and reaches for us without screaming. When playing, he will randomly crawl into my lap just to give me a hug and then go right back to what he was doing.
He sees us as his mom and dad. He has learned what those words mean, and, more importantly, he has applied them to us. I could collapse on the floor and weep for this. My son sees me they way I have always seen him. The Lord has grown his love for us, and truthfully, He has grown our love for Bradley, too. Each day we feel more and more like a family.
Don't get me wrong. There are still a LOT of hard days. There is still a TON of crying. But the undertone is different. He wants to be consoled, and he wants me to be the one to do that. He wants to play with us, not just sit in our laps or be held.
He is learning what it means to be a family, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Our God is a God of miracles. Truly.
With love,
Baylor
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Boy or Girl??
The reality of being pregnant and carrying another life into this world is finally starting to settle in and around me. It's funny. When we first found out that we were going to have another baby, and a biological one at that, the overwhelming emotion I felt was fear. We had just brought Bradley home from Ethiopia (like days before), and things were not going super smoothly. I felt like we were barely treading water as we figured out what parenting meant and how to best meet the needs of our son, for whom every single detail of life was new and, likely, scary. So when we found out that another little one would be joining us in just eight short months, I was terrified. I didn't think I could do it. (Ahem, I still have my doubts, but God is BIG.)
But as the weeks have passed and I have had more time to really wrap my head around what God is doing in our lives, I have become so incredibly thankful for this beautiful gift and have begun (ever so slightly) to feel like with God's strong arm for help, I can do this.
And this past week, we got to experience the most incredible thing. I have thought and whole-heartedly believed for years that I would get phone calls to tell me that I was having another baby. And there is nothing quite like that in the entire world. Having your phone ring and being told that you are a mom and that there is this precious and beautiful child waiting for YOU. I still cry when I look at our referral day photos from last year. This week, though, we got to do something that I did not think we would ever do. We got to sit in a doctor's office and watch our baby wiggle on an ultrasound screen. We got to see our child before birth. I just didn't think that was in the cards for us.
It was a humbling and breathtaking thing. To see this life the Lord has given us, this life I get to carry and help grow. I just didn't think...I just didn't believe we would get to do that.
But we saw a strong heart and healthy bones. A cute little nose and long, long legs.
And the big news is...
We have a daughter.
Crazy, insane words to type. I am so wholly and completely overwhelmed by God's work in our life. He has given us the family I have dreamed of. A beautiful boy from Ethiopia who made me a mom and fills my heart. And a sweet little girl who is the most wonderful of surprises.
Before the technician began the ultrasound, she asked us what we thought we were having. Adam has always said girl, and I have always said human. We were both right. :) She started out scanning different organs to check development and then finally got to determining gender. I was not doing a whole lot of breathing. And then she said, "It looks like dad is right. You're having a girl."
And I started sobbing. A daughter. I have a daughter. Oh, my heart.
The Lord's faithfulness is abundant and in such stark contrast to my wavering and shifting. Again and again He demonstrates His love and mercy; both run deep. And I am so humbled to serve One so gracious, One who stoops to pursue me and my heart, One who tests me and then reminds me of His own goodness.
With deep love,
Baylor
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
And Then God Did This
It is with such a humbled, cautious and even conflicted heart that I approach this post. My stomach is in knots for so many reasons. One of which is that I am about to share a piece of my life that has remained somewhat in the shadows until now. I'm sure you've caught the hints and implications here and there, but I have never shared the entire story outright. This is also a post that changes things. Big things. So I am going to ask you to read all the way through to the end of (what I have a feeling will be) a very long post. I am also publishing two posts today, and I would humbly ask that you read them both.
In April of 2012, Adam and I started the long, long process to bring Bradley home. We were so excited to be adopting, and we could not wait to see what the Lord would do in our lives. For about 15 months prior, we had been trying to have a biological child. Clearly, we were unsuccessful. We had always known that we wanted both biological and adopted children. We saw our family as this beautiful blend of what we imagined the family of God to look like. Our initial thought was that we would have biological children first and then adopt when we were a little older (and more mature, you know). As the months and eventually more than a year passed, we began to sense that God was telling us to adopt first. So we began our adoption from Ethiopia. And I'll be honest, it was hard to know that we would have to wait so much longer to become parents, but the more we got into the adoption process, the more I fell in LOVE with the idea of adopting first. That we would be made parents first through the adoption of our son, that I will always be able to look at Bradley and tell him that he is the one who walked me into motherhood...what a gift.
A few months after we started the process, it dawned on us that it might be a good idea to go to the doctor and make sure there was not something medically wrong (cancer, cysts, etc.) that was keeping us from being able to have biological children. I'll keep the details for Adam and myself, but after a few rounds of testing by a specialist, we were told that without serious medical intervention we would not be able to have biological children.
It was June 6, 2012. A day that is forever etched into my memory. I can tell you what I was wearing, exactly where my car was parked, exactly what the doctor said.
We were heartbroken. We wanted both. Were we asking too much?
I felt so lost and completely adrift. What happened? What did we do wrong? Where was God?
That same year, almost every single one of my friends was pregnant.
And then adoptions in Ethiopia began to slow down dramatically. It seemed like we would never be able to be parents.
Again, I began to sense the Lord asking me something. He was asking me to let go of biological children. To let go of the privilege of being able to carry a child into the world. To let go of what I thought my life would and should look like. He was asking me to trust His sovereignty over my desires.
I refused for a long time. I couldn't let go. The tighter I gripped, the more it hurt. Until God finally did the impossible. He changed my heart. He broke me down and rebuilt me into a woman who would follow Him to the ends of the earth. It was a long journey. Years in the making, but God did it.
The rest of 2012 went by. And we inched up the waiting list in 2013 until everything stopped for six months. You know the story from here.
November 29, 2014. One of the happiest days of my life so far. We saw Bradley's precious face for the very first time. Our lives changed. We had a son. A beautiful boy.
It took us eight more months to get him home, and it was a fight. A brutal battle.
He came home the day before his first birthday. We celebrated with friends and family. Kissed him a million times and hunkered down in our home to bond with our son. It was overwhelming in every single way. The jet lag. The new tiny person in our house. Not being able to leave our house. Bradley working through the loss of everything he knew. Him having to attach to Adam, the first man he had ever been around. For the first week, he pretty much only wanted to be held by me while I was standing up. Then he stopped napping during the day. I was beyond my limits. Jesus was carrying me.
Parenthood was looking soooooo much different than what I had envisioned. And I felt like I just COULD NOT get back on the right time zone. I began to grow a new appreciation of the battle the Lord fights for our hearts. He has to make us love Him. And we were having to do the same with Bradley. We had to make him love us and see us as his parents. It is (and I think always will be) the hardest thing I have ever done. And I am so deeply honored to get to do it. To have the chance to fight for this boy's heart. I would do it a thousand times.
And I finally understood why the Lord had said no to biological children for all these years. So much heartache had ultimately led to one of the greatest journeys I could imagine. In those moments of clarity, I was able to see why God ordered my life the way He did, and I was so thankful to be a mom who had the privilege of adopting, so thankful that we were able to give this beautiful boy our complete and undivided attention, so thankful that the Lord had not given up on me when I so adamantly refused His path for my life.
And now it makes even more sense. Because, unbeknownst to me, God was working something beautiful that I just couldn't see.
Ten days after walking off the plane with my boy, I found myself standing in our bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test.
I called my doctor the next day and was told that they would not see me until eight weeks. Quickly, I explained our situation (told we could not have children + one year old home from Ethiopia for 11 days now) and they said they could pencil me in. Four days later, fifteen days after Bradley got home, I was listening to the heartbeat of my second child.
Shock is an inadequate word. But it is the only one I can think of right now. I was stunned into silence. It couldn't be right. We had been told by multiple doctors that this would not happen for us. This wasn't even on our radar. It wasn't even something I prayed for anymore. God had helped me surrender this to Him. My husband was in the other bathroom bathing our one year old who had been home less than two weeks. We weren't ready.
This is where my heart twists. Having a biological child is undoubtedly something I want. Even though I gave this piece of me back to the Lord, I still thought about how amazing it would be to carry a child. I am so thankful that the Lord has gifted our family in this way.
But I know that this is something that doesn't happen often. And for years I have been on the receiving end of this news from people I know in real life and people I follow online. So I know the sting that accompanies seeing another person's prayers answered while yours seem to hang above your head. For that reason, it is with the sincerest heart that I tell you I'm sorry. I don't doubt that this is God's will for my life, and so I know I can trust that it is good. But I am deeply sorry if I have added to your hurt in any way. Please know that my heart beats for you in this, that I know what you are feeling and I honor it. Please know that I have struggled with guilt over sharing this because I hate knowing that it could add to your pain. And please know that this happening in our lives is not an indication of extraordinary faithfulness that has earned me anything. I have struggled deeply, been shaken to the core of who I am.
All I can say is that the only thing that has gotten me through the last 4.5 years on the road to parenthood is Jesus. I had to decide that the Lord was wholly and completely trustworthy, no matter the circumstance. I remember meeting with our pastor's wife in late summer 2012. I was despondent. Their story started out so similarly to ours. They could not have biological children, and after years of trying, they adopted a little boy. Soon after they got home, she found out she was pregnant. I remember sitting across from her knowing that this would not be the case for us. And she told me, "My story is not your story. I don't know how your story will end, but I know you can trust God with it." She was right. I had to believe that whatever God had for me, biological and adopted children, only adopted children or no children, whatever it was, I had to believe that it was for my good and God's glory. I know that is a really easy thing to say, and I need you know it took me literal years to get there. But I also need you to know that God can do this kind of work in your heart.
So we are celebrating this new life the Lord has entrusted to us (and still recovering from the shock). And we are trying to walk forward in faith, trusting again that the Lord is sovereign and good. Baby Knott #2 will join our family at the end of March, and we are so excited (and a bit nervous) about what the future holds for our family. I hope and pray that we can live to the calling God has for us.
I want to ask you one more thing. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am publishing two pieces today. Please read the next one right away. It's about pregnancy and adoption, and this is something that is so dear to my heart. Please take a moment to click HERE and read it before you do anything else.
With deep love,
Baylor
In April of 2012, Adam and I started the long, long process to bring Bradley home. We were so excited to be adopting, and we could not wait to see what the Lord would do in our lives. For about 15 months prior, we had been trying to have a biological child. Clearly, we were unsuccessful. We had always known that we wanted both biological and adopted children. We saw our family as this beautiful blend of what we imagined the family of God to look like. Our initial thought was that we would have biological children first and then adopt when we were a little older (and more mature, you know). As the months and eventually more than a year passed, we began to sense that God was telling us to adopt first. So we began our adoption from Ethiopia. And I'll be honest, it was hard to know that we would have to wait so much longer to become parents, but the more we got into the adoption process, the more I fell in LOVE with the idea of adopting first. That we would be made parents first through the adoption of our son, that I will always be able to look at Bradley and tell him that he is the one who walked me into motherhood...what a gift.
A few months after we started the process, it dawned on us that it might be a good idea to go to the doctor and make sure there was not something medically wrong (cancer, cysts, etc.) that was keeping us from being able to have biological children. I'll keep the details for Adam and myself, but after a few rounds of testing by a specialist, we were told that without serious medical intervention we would not be able to have biological children.
It was June 6, 2012. A day that is forever etched into my memory. I can tell you what I was wearing, exactly where my car was parked, exactly what the doctor said.
We were heartbroken. We wanted both. Were we asking too much?
I felt so lost and completely adrift. What happened? What did we do wrong? Where was God?
That same year, almost every single one of my friends was pregnant.
And then adoptions in Ethiopia began to slow down dramatically. It seemed like we would never be able to be parents.
Again, I began to sense the Lord asking me something. He was asking me to let go of biological children. To let go of the privilege of being able to carry a child into the world. To let go of what I thought my life would and should look like. He was asking me to trust His sovereignty over my desires.
I refused for a long time. I couldn't let go. The tighter I gripped, the more it hurt. Until God finally did the impossible. He changed my heart. He broke me down and rebuilt me into a woman who would follow Him to the ends of the earth. It was a long journey. Years in the making, but God did it.
The rest of 2012 went by. And we inched up the waiting list in 2013 until everything stopped for six months. You know the story from here.
November 29, 2014. One of the happiest days of my life so far. We saw Bradley's precious face for the very first time. Our lives changed. We had a son. A beautiful boy.
It took us eight more months to get him home, and it was a fight. A brutal battle.
He came home the day before his first birthday. We celebrated with friends and family. Kissed him a million times and hunkered down in our home to bond with our son. It was overwhelming in every single way. The jet lag. The new tiny person in our house. Not being able to leave our house. Bradley working through the loss of everything he knew. Him having to attach to Adam, the first man he had ever been around. For the first week, he pretty much only wanted to be held by me while I was standing up. Then he stopped napping during the day. I was beyond my limits. Jesus was carrying me.
Parenthood was looking soooooo much different than what I had envisioned. And I felt like I just COULD NOT get back on the right time zone. I began to grow a new appreciation of the battle the Lord fights for our hearts. He has to make us love Him. And we were having to do the same with Bradley. We had to make him love us and see us as his parents. It is (and I think always will be) the hardest thing I have ever done. And I am so deeply honored to get to do it. To have the chance to fight for this boy's heart. I would do it a thousand times.
And I finally understood why the Lord had said no to biological children for all these years. So much heartache had ultimately led to one of the greatest journeys I could imagine. In those moments of clarity, I was able to see why God ordered my life the way He did, and I was so thankful to be a mom who had the privilege of adopting, so thankful that we were able to give this beautiful boy our complete and undivided attention, so thankful that the Lord had not given up on me when I so adamantly refused His path for my life.
And now it makes even more sense. Because, unbeknownst to me, God was working something beautiful that I just couldn't see.
Ten days after walking off the plane with my boy, I found myself standing in our bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test.
I called my doctor the next day and was told that they would not see me until eight weeks. Quickly, I explained our situation (told we could not have children + one year old home from Ethiopia for 11 days now) and they said they could pencil me in. Four days later, fifteen days after Bradley got home, I was listening to the heartbeat of my second child.
Shock is an inadequate word. But it is the only one I can think of right now. I was stunned into silence. It couldn't be right. We had been told by multiple doctors that this would not happen for us. This wasn't even on our radar. It wasn't even something I prayed for anymore. God had helped me surrender this to Him. My husband was in the other bathroom bathing our one year old who had been home less than two weeks. We weren't ready.
This is where my heart twists. Having a biological child is undoubtedly something I want. Even though I gave this piece of me back to the Lord, I still thought about how amazing it would be to carry a child. I am so thankful that the Lord has gifted our family in this way.
But I know that this is something that doesn't happen often. And for years I have been on the receiving end of this news from people I know in real life and people I follow online. So I know the sting that accompanies seeing another person's prayers answered while yours seem to hang above your head. For that reason, it is with the sincerest heart that I tell you I'm sorry. I don't doubt that this is God's will for my life, and so I know I can trust that it is good. But I am deeply sorry if I have added to your hurt in any way. Please know that my heart beats for you in this, that I know what you are feeling and I honor it. Please know that I have struggled with guilt over sharing this because I hate knowing that it could add to your pain. And please know that this happening in our lives is not an indication of extraordinary faithfulness that has earned me anything. I have struggled deeply, been shaken to the core of who I am.
All I can say is that the only thing that has gotten me through the last 4.5 years on the road to parenthood is Jesus. I had to decide that the Lord was wholly and completely trustworthy, no matter the circumstance. I remember meeting with our pastor's wife in late summer 2012. I was despondent. Their story started out so similarly to ours. They could not have biological children, and after years of trying, they adopted a little boy. Soon after they got home, she found out she was pregnant. I remember sitting across from her knowing that this would not be the case for us. And she told me, "My story is not your story. I don't know how your story will end, but I know you can trust God with it." She was right. I had to believe that whatever God had for me, biological and adopted children, only adopted children or no children, whatever it was, I had to believe that it was for my good and God's glory. I know that is a really easy thing to say, and I need you know it took me literal years to get there. But I also need you to know that God can do this kind of work in your heart.
So we are celebrating this new life the Lord has entrusted to us (and still recovering from the shock). And we are trying to walk forward in faith, trusting again that the Lord is sovereign and good. Baby Knott #2 will join our family at the end of March, and we are so excited (and a bit nervous) about what the future holds for our family. I hope and pray that we can live to the calling God has for us.
I want to ask you one more thing. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am publishing two pieces today. Please read the next one right away. It's about pregnancy and adoption, and this is something that is so dear to my heart. Please take a moment to click HERE and read it before you do anything else.
With deep love,
Baylor
Friday, July 31, 2015
Ethiopia Trip Two: One BIG Post About Bringing Bradley Home
Remember that time I told you I was going to Ethiopia to pick up my son and disappeared for three weeks? Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out life with a one year old does not lend itself to long periods of thoughtful silence during which I can record and share all of the beauty God has written and is writing in my life. In fact, the only reason I am getting this post out is that my SAINT of a husband is putting our sweet love down for the night, giving me roughly thirty minutes of quiet. Yay for marriage!
There is so much I want and need to say about my time in Ethiopia this month. And I am still working on processing through it all, but I do want to share that week with you.
Before I do that, though, I have to give and enormous shout of recognition to someone who was with me in Ethiopia, though you will not see her in any of the pictures; she was behind the lens. My mother. I have always known that she is an incredible, loving and selfless woman. But our week together in Ethiopia absolutely blew my mind. She flew half way around the world to SERVE. She did not come with any expectations, and she was there for me and for Bradley in the beautiful moments and in the difficult and often messy moments. She did things that I did not know existed (ummm....washing footie pajamas full of poop in the toilet??), and she did them without ever complaining or hesitating. Mom, you are the single most incredible woman I have ever and will ever know. You are a SHINING example of the selfless, servant leadership Christ calls us to. How blessed by God am I to have been raised by such a woman. I pray that the Lord will allow me to become such a mother one day. And if He does, my journey began with you. I love you.
There is so much I want and need to say about my time in Ethiopia this month. And I am still working on processing through it all, but I do want to share that week with you.
Before I do that, though, I have to give and enormous shout of recognition to someone who was with me in Ethiopia, though you will not see her in any of the pictures; she was behind the lens. My mother. I have always known that she is an incredible, loving and selfless woman. But our week together in Ethiopia absolutely blew my mind. She flew half way around the world to SERVE. She did not come with any expectations, and she was there for me and for Bradley in the beautiful moments and in the difficult and often messy moments. She did things that I did not know existed (ummm....washing footie pajamas full of poop in the toilet??), and she did them without ever complaining or hesitating. Mom, you are the single most incredible woman I have ever and will ever know. You are a SHINING example of the selfless, servant leadership Christ calls us to. How blessed by God am I to have been raised by such a woman. I pray that the Lord will allow me to become such a mother one day. And if He does, my journey began with you. I love you.
We walked back in to the place that has been on my mind since the day we left last month.
It's wash day.
Once we arrived, we had to wait a few minutes (felt like forever) for his nannies to get him ready to leave his home for good. I cannot even begin to imagine what these sweet women were thinking as they held this boy they have loved and cared for for the last time.
And then they brought him down, and I knew I would never have to be without him again.
He was most unsure about what was going on.
But we did manage to get a quick smile out of him.
With the head nanny who took the time to answer all of my questions.
The beautiful woman who carried him out of his room and down to his mom.
And sweet, sweet Tizita, our translator and all things wonderful, who helped our family on both trips and so obviously loves what she does.
We took one last look around his room upstairs to say good bye, and then he walked down those stairs for the very last time.
The nannies were so sad to see him go and so happy that he was finally with his family.
Walking out of the building.
I think he must have been kissed a thousand times that day.
It made me so grateful to see how deeply these women love the children they help raise.
One last kiss good bye...
And it was finally time. Time to do the thing we set out to do three years, three months and three days prior to this moment. Time to walk out of the orphanage with our son. Because he doesn't belong there any more. He belongs with us.
And here we go.
Out in the great big world.
Time to leave.
Our first night at the hotel together was so sweet. He held this pose, with the spoon in his mouth, unsure of what to do. But when he tasted that food for the first time, his sweet little eyes lit up and he had no trouble gobbling down the rest of it.
Getting better with the spoon.
Playing on the floor with mom.
It is incredible to watch and see what a difference one-on-one attention makes for a child.
And our first bottle.
First meal in the hotel restaurant.
Our days looked a lot like this.
Lots of face time with mom.
Crawling!
And about 23 million hugs.
We were not allowed to leave our hotel once we had Bradley in our custody, so we became VERY fond of our balcony.
Lots of time out here.
And playing and eating and playing and eating.
Precious boy.
Our Embassy interview was on Tuesday morning, and we got his visa the very next day!
Already looking healthier.
And we are getting lots more smiles.
Finally it was time to head home. I'll be honest. I was so nervous about the flight. Sixteen hours on one plane with a one year old. Gulp.
The airline we used has bassinet attachments for families traveling with babies. We were told by everyone to get to the airport early because they are first come, first served. So we got to the airport in Addis FIVE hours before our flight took off and were told that there were no bassinet seats available. How could that be? We were literally the first people in line. My heart sank and then started galloping. Sixteen hours of holding this boy who has never been on a plane and has only known me for five days. Oh my.
Praise be to God because the Lord intervened on our behalf. When the flight attendant in our cabin saw our situation, she informed the man in the bulkhead seat (where the bassinet attaches) that he needed to move because I had a baby. He said he wanted the leg room of an aisle seat, and then a TOTAL STRANGER, who I think might have been an angel of the Lord, offered up his aisle seat and took my window seat so that I could have the bassinet. I could not believe it. So my mom and I did not get to sit together, but I did not have to keep Bradley in my lap for the whole flight. Thank you Hable, sweet flight attendant and thank you man I don't know for offering to move seats on a sixteen hour overnight flight. I love you both. Really and truly.
And this is how we spent the second leg of that flight. Dublin to D.C. The boy loves to be held.
And about 14 hours in.
I agree.
After sixteen hours, we finally made our descent into Washington D.C. And as soon as those wheels touched down, my boy was a citizen. I was sobbing in my seat.
I could not believe that the Lord had carried us here to the finish line that is more like a starting line. He did it.
We made it through customs, and it was on to Charlotte.
Quick stop for dinner.
And then we hit the wall. Our LAST flight was canceled. We were a one hour hop from home and completely stuck. When they made the announcement, I looked at my mom and told her that I did not have the capacity to handle this. I had been awake for almost forty hours and traveling for over thirty. With a baby. I will spare you the HORRIBLE dealings we had with US Air because this is a happy post, but we ended up running (literally) onto a flight to Montgomery. And my CHAMPION family, who had been waiting to meet us at the Birmingham airport to celebrate Bradley's homecoming, hopped in their cars and flew down the interstate to Montgomery.
And there he was. The man who fought side by side with me to get our boy home.
I don't have a caption for this one.
Or this one.
But we were finally all three together.
Looking at his dad. Buddy, you don't even know how this man loves you.
So relieved to be home.
I wish I could tell you exactly what I was thinking here, but I don't know that I can.
I am just so humbled that Lord has seen fit to make this my story.
The road has been long and full of pitfalls and obstacles. It has not been the easy path I likely would have chosen for myself. But I am who I am because of what the Lord has done.
And He gave me to most wonderful support system.
Meeting his crazy Aunt BB.
Oh, how I love my family.
Nana and Big Mike
This woman prayed hard to get our boy home.
Uncle Dave and Aunt Farren.
And Bradley's namesake.
One of the best men I know.
And meeting his cousin Sydney.
Back with his dad.
My heart.
Finally.
And the woman behind the airport pictures, Jennifer, and her sweet Abigail.
This little man already has so many people who love him.
People who love him well.
I hope to get more out soon. But I make no guarantees. At least not for another few weeks!
With deep love,
Baylor
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