I have been working through some things in my mind for last couple of weeks. I mentioned in an earlier post that this month has been very slow in the way of referrals, and, as a result, I have found myself feeling very anxious. I catch myself thinking, "Well, if this keeps up, then there is no way we will get a referral in May. It just won't happen." And then my mind really starts to spiral out of control. I get started on the, "Well, if this doesn't happen, then it will affect this, which will mess up that and ultimately lead to this other thing. And then what will we do????" Am I the only one who does that? Well, I have become a champion at it here lately. And as I do it, I realize that I am trying to (yet again) take things out of God's hands and put them in mine. Never a good idea. Yes, I have an "ideal timeline situation" in my mind, and it is what I am praying for. But where I struggle is with finding the balance of praying expectantly and trusting that the Lord will do what is ultimately right and best. I am finding that it is a fine line to walk.
For as long as I can remember having a favorite Bible verse, mine has been Philippians 3:8. It reads, "What is more, I consider everything a loss when compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ."
And now that I find myself in a situation where I am having to wait on something I value so highly and love so deeply, I also find myself struggling with this verse. I do love Jesus. And I want to know Him more. I want to consider everything else in the world a loss when compared to knowing Jesus. But it is hard. I want these words to be a true reflection of my heart. But it is hard, because I also want to have our little one home with us yesterday. To be completely honest, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would be December of 2012 and Adam and I would not yet be parents. If anything, I thought we would be talking about Baby Knott #2 at this point. But that is so clearly not the Lord's plan for us. I know that. And I also know that His plan is better than mine. But, goodness, it is hard to be sitting right there in the middle of it all.
I am having to live day-by-day in the grace and mercy and love of God in a completely new way as we walk this path. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Truly. But God has been and is being so gracious to me, to us, as we try to follow what He is asking us to do. Adoption is a beautiful journey, but there are times when it is very isolating. This is such a unique experience. And as I struggle with waiting to be a mom, I find myself having to turn to the Lord more and more. and then I realize, "You know. That is probably the point." I think sometimes the Lord lets us struggle through difficult times and lets us feel like we are alone in our struggle so that we will turn to Him. He literally takes away all of the other options, and we are left with Him, the One we should have gone to in the first place. He pulls us (sometimes kicking and screaming) right to where He wants us. And I think that is where the change, the shift takes place. He reveals Himself, His power, His glory, His boundless love to us. And we know Him more. We learn that He is enough and that He has a purpose in the struggle.
I am learning these things. More and more each day. I have found myself in a place where God is the One I talk to, the One I turn to. Don't get me wrong. I still struggle with this. There are times, lots of them, when I find myself turning to someone else to fill the role God should be filling. The funny thing? God's comfort, advice and encouragement satisfy in a way far beyond what we think possible. And don't get me wrong again. God has blessed me with beautiful family and friends who have been nothing but supportive and loving. But no person, not even my incredible and God-fearing husband, can fill the God-shaped hole in my heart, especially where my sweet baby is concerned. He is the only One who already knows everything about this sweet child, and so I will turn to Him for comfort and assurance as we wait. I will count this pain I feel as loss, because the Lord is using it to draw me closer to Him. So it is worth it. It is so, so hard, but it is worth it.
Lord, let Philippians 3:8 be the trumpet call of my life. Let those words be true for me every single day.
"What is more I consider everything a loss when compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ." Philippians 3:8