Beauty from Ashes

Tomorrow marks three weeks since our sweet Asher girl made her grand entrance into the world. To say that the last three weeks have stretched me would be an understatement of Biblical proportions. Suddenly being a mom of two and having a newborn for the first time have both rocked my tiny world. Where did all of the sleep go? When is it coming back?

But truly, the last few weeks have been some of the most sacred of my life.

To hold my tiny baby girl, to be the one who has been meeting her needs from day one has been an incredible gift. To watch Bradley slowly open himself up to her and love her in his toddler way has made me so proud of him. To see him try his best to work through this tough transition after so little time home... well, that has both broken and mended my heart.

I am, once again, watching our family change, and in that change, the Lord’s hand is so clearly evident. Our family is a miracle. Both of our children “shouldn’t” be with us. Yet here they are. Both miracles in completely different but oh so similar ways.

There was a moment in Ethiopia. We had just climbed the stairs that led to Bradley’s room on our very first day. We were about to meet our son. I had never been so nervous in my entire life. As I turned to my left, I saw just the back of his head and then his face. And I had one thought.

“He’s real.”

He wasn’t a picture any more. He was a real baby boy in my arms. He was mine. It was such a powerful feeling, one I was quite unprepared for after a sleepless flight over the Atlantic. But I was suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of Bradley, and through that, the reality of God’s unwavering faithfulness. I will never forget the details of that day.

And three weeks ago, after one last push, when my head collapsed on the pillow as Asher finally came into the world, the delivery nurse said, “No, no. Look at her.” And I picked my head back up and saw my daughter in the doctor’s hands. I had just one thought.

“She’s real.”

She wasn’t a wish or a prayer any more. She wasn’t a grainy, black and white ultrasound image. She was my daughter, and she was right there. Then they gave her to me, and I was holding her. Holding my daughter. What a beautiful moment. I will never forget it.

It was exactly like meeting Bradley for the first time. Both of these children, suddenly real and definitely mine.

And in that, I was instantly reminded of God’s goodness. That He builds families in His own beautiful ways. I saw and recognized that my children are the answers to a thousand desperate prayers.

God has given me true beauty from ashes.

Right before we walked out the door to go to the hospital. 

This verse stayed in our entryway for the last three weeks leading up to Asher’s birthday. 

A constant reminder of God’s faithfulness. 

With love,
Baylor

Her Name

I feel so much pressure when it comes to settling on names for children. It's something they will carry forever, so I want it to have meaning and, obviously, be pretty. A few weeks after we found out we were expecting babe number two, a name that I had never even considered popped into my head. It was one that could work for a son or a daughter. Adam loved it, too, and so it stuck.

All we had to do was settle on a middle name. When we were in the process of adopting, we knew our boy name right away, but we could never settle on a girl name. But we have had the opposite experience with this little one. We had our girl name picked, but could not nail down a boy middle name.

So, all of that to say, we have named our precious baby girl:

Asher Elizabeth

Asher because the Lord has made us glad with the news of another life to love. In the Old Testament when Leah gave birth to Asher, she gave him is name because the Lord had blessed her and made her glad. And that's exactly what our girl is to us: a blessing that has filled our hearts with joy. 

And Elizabeth for a woman in the New Testament, the mother of John the Baptist, who waited a long time to give birth to a child. She asked a miracle of the Lord, and He poured His grace out on her. And it happens to be my middle name, too, so that doesn't hurt. :) 

So it is with much anticipation and excitement that we await Asher's arrival early next year! 

With love, 

Baylor 

Boy or Girl??

The reality of being pregnant and carrying another life into this world is finally starting to settle in and around me. It's funny. When we first found out that we were going to have another baby, and a biological one at that, the overwhelming emotion I felt was fear. We had just brought Bradley home from Ethiopia (like days before), and things were not going super smoothly. I felt like we were barely treading water as we figured out what parenting meant and how to best meet the needs of our son, for whom every single detail of life was new and, likely, scary. So when we found out that another little one would be joining us in just eight short months, I was terrified. I didn't think I could do it. (Ahem, I still have my doubts, but God is BIG.)

But as the weeks have passed and I have had more time to really wrap my head around what God is doing in our lives, I have become so incredibly thankful for this beautiful gift and have begun (ever so slightly) to feel like with God's strong arm for help, I can do this. 

And this past week, we got to experience the most incredible thing. I have thought and whole-heartedly believed for years that I would get phone calls to tell me that I was having another baby. And there is nothing quite like that in the entire world. Having your phone ring and being told that you are a mom and that there is this precious and beautiful child waiting for YOU. I still cry when I look at our referral day photos from last year. This week, though, we got to do something that I did not think we would ever do. We got to sit in a doctor's office and watch our baby wiggle on an ultrasound screen. We got to see our child before birth. I just didn't think that was in the cards for us. 

It was a humbling and breathtaking thing. To see this life the Lord has given us, this life I get to carry and help grow. I just didn't think...I just didn't believe we would get to do that. 

But we saw a strong heart and healthy bones. A cute little nose and long, long legs. 

And the big news is... 

We have a daughter. 

Crazy, insane words to type. I am so wholly and completely overwhelmed by God's work in our life. He has given us the family I have dreamed of. A beautiful boy from Ethiopia who made me a mom and fills my heart. And a sweet little girl who is the most wonderful of surprises. 

Before the technician began the ultrasound, she asked us what we thought we were having. Adam has always said girl, and I have always said human. We were both right. :) She started out scanning different organs to check development and then finally got to determining gender. I was not doing a whole lot of breathing. And then she said, "It looks like dad is right. You're having a girl." 

And I started sobbing. A daughter. I have a daughter. Oh, my heart. 

The Lord's faithfulness is abundant and in such stark contrast to my wavering and shifting. Again and again He demonstrates His love and mercy; both run deep. And I am so humbled to serve One so gracious, One who stoops to pursue me and my heart, One who tests me and then reminds me of His own goodness. 

With deep love, 

Baylor 

And Then God Did This

It is with such a humbled, cautious and even conflicted heart that I approach this post. My stomach is in knots for so many reasons. One of which is that I am about to share a piece of my life that has remained somewhat in the shadows until now. I'm sure you've caught the hints and implications here and there, but I have never shared the entire story outright. This is also a post that changes things. Big things. So I am going to ask you to read all the way through to the end of (what I have a feeling will be) a very long post. I am also publishing two posts today, and I would humbly ask that you read them both.

In April of 2012, Adam and I started the long, long process to bring Bradley home. We were so excited to be adopting, and we could not wait to see what the Lord would do in our lives. For about 15 months prior, we had been trying to have a biological child. Clearly, we were unsuccessful. We had always known that we wanted both biological and adopted children. We saw our family as this beautiful blend of what we imagined the family of God to look like. Our initial thought was that we would have biological children first and then adopt when we were a little older (and more mature, you know). As the months and eventually more than a year passed, we began to sense that God was telling us to adopt first. So we began our adoption from Ethiopia. And I'll be honest, it was hard to know that we would have to wait so much longer to become parents, but the more we got into the adoption process, the more I fell in LOVE with the idea of adopting first. That we would be made parents first through the adoption of our son, that I will always be able to look at Bradley and tell him that he is the one who walked me into motherhood...what a gift.

A few months after we started the process, it dawned on us that it might be a good idea to go to the doctor and make sure there was not something medically wrong (cancer, cysts, etc.) that was keeping us from being able to have biological children. I'll keep the details for Adam and myself, but after a few rounds of testing by a specialist, we were told that without serious medical intervention we would not be able to have biological children.

It was June 6, 2012. A day that is forever etched into my memory. I can tell you what I was wearing, exactly where my car was parked, exactly what the doctor said.

We were heartbroken. We wanted both. Were we asking too much?

I felt so lost and completely adrift. What happened? What did we do wrong? Where was God?

That same year, almost every single one of my friends was pregnant.

And then adoptions in Ethiopia began to slow down dramatically. It seemed like we would never be able to be parents.

Again, I began to sense the Lord asking me something. He was asking me to let go of biological children. To let go of the privilege of being able to carry a child into the world. To let go of what I thought my life would and should look like. He was asking me to trust His sovereignty over my desires.

I refused for a long time. I couldn't let go. The tighter I gripped, the more it hurt. Until God finally did the impossible. He changed my heart. He broke me down and rebuilt me into a woman who would follow Him to the ends of the earth. It was a long journey. Years in the making, but God did it.

The rest of 2012 went by. And we inched up the waiting list in 2013 until everything stopped for six months. You know the story from here.

November 29, 2014. One of the happiest days of my life so far. We saw Bradley's precious face for the very first time. Our lives changed. We had a son. A beautiful boy.

It took us eight more months to get him home, and it was a fight. A brutal battle.

He came home the day before his first birthday. We celebrated with friends and family. Kissed him a million times and hunkered down in our home to bond with our son. It was overwhelming in every single way. The jet lag. The new tiny person in our house. Not being able to leave our house. Bradley working through the loss of everything he knew. Him having to attach to Adam, the first man he had ever been around. For the first week, he pretty much only wanted to be held by me while I was standing up. Then he stopped napping during the day. I was beyond my limits. Jesus was carrying me.

Parenthood was looking soooooo much different than what I had envisioned. And I felt like I just COULD NOT get back on the right time zone. I began to grow a new appreciation of the battle the Lord fights for our hearts. He has to make us love Him. And we were having to do the same with Bradley. We had to make him love us and see us as his parents. It is (and I think always will be) the hardest thing I have ever done. And I am so deeply honored to get to do it. To have the chance to fight for this boy's heart. I would do it a thousand times.

And I finally understood why the Lord had said no to biological children for all these years. So much heartache had ultimately led to one of the greatest journeys I could imagine. In those moments of clarity, I was able to see why God ordered my life the way He did, and I was so thankful to be a mom who had the privilege of adopting, so thankful that we were able to give this beautiful boy our complete and undivided attention, so thankful that the Lord had not given up on me when I so adamantly refused His path for my life.

And now it makes even more sense. Because, unbeknownst to me, God was working something beautiful that I just couldn't see.

Ten days after walking off the plane with my boy, I found myself standing in our bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test.

I called my doctor the next day and was told that they would not see me until eight weeks. Quickly, I explained our situation (told we could not have children + one year old home from Ethiopia for 11 days now) and they said they could pencil me in. Four days later, fifteen days after Bradley got home, I was listening to the heartbeat of my second child.

Shock is an inadequate word. But it is the only one I can think of right now. I was stunned into silence. It couldn't be right. We had been told by multiple doctors that this would not happen for us. This wasn't even on our radar. It wasn't even something I prayed for anymore. God had helped me surrender this to Him. My husband was in the other bathroom bathing our one year old who had been home less than two weeks. We weren't ready.

This is where my heart twists. Having a biological child is undoubtedly something I want. Even though I gave this piece of me back to the Lord, I still thought about how amazing it would be to carry a child. I am so thankful that the Lord has gifted our family in this way.

But I know that this is something that doesn't happen often. And for years I have been on the receiving end of this news from people I know in real life and people I follow online. So I know the sting that accompanies seeing another person's prayers answered while yours seem to hang above your head. For that reason, it is with the sincerest heart that I tell you I'm sorry. I don't doubt that this is God's will for my life, and so I know I can trust that it is good. But I am deeply sorry if I have added to your hurt in any way. Please know that my heart beats for you in this, that I know what you are feeling and I honor it. Please know that I have struggled with guilt over sharing this because I hate knowing that it could add to your pain. And please know that this happening in our lives is not an indication of extraordinary faithfulness that has earned me anything. I have struggled deeply, been shaken to the core of who I am.

All I can say is that the only thing that has gotten me through the last 4.5 years on the road to parenthood is Jesus. I had to decide that the Lord was wholly and completely trustworthy, no matter the circumstance. I remember meeting with our pastor's wife in late summer 2012. I was despondent. Their story started out so similarly to ours. They could not have biological children, and after years of trying, they adopted a little boy. Soon after they got home, she found out she was pregnant. I remember sitting across from her knowing that this would not be the case for us. And she told me, "My story is not your story. I don't know how your story will end, but I know you can trust God with it." She was right. I had to believe that whatever God had for me, biological and adopted children, only adopted children or no children, whatever it was, I had to believe that it was for my good and God's glory. I know that is a really easy thing to say, and I need you know it took me literal years to get there. But I also need you to know that God can do this kind of work in your heart.

So we are celebrating this new life the Lord has entrusted to us (and still recovering from the shock). And we are trying to walk forward in faith, trusting again that the Lord is sovereign and good. Baby Knott #2 will join our family at the end of March, and we are so excited (and a bit nervous) about what the future holds for our family. I hope and pray that we can live to the calling God has for us.

I want to ask you one more thing. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am publishing two pieces today. Please read the next one right away. It's about pregnancy and adoption, and this is something that is so dear to my heart. Please take a moment to click HERE and read it before you do anything else.

With deep love,
Baylor