But then, all of a sudden, with no warning, SUMMER.
No alarm clock. No Shakespeare (whom I do truly love).
Our last day was Tuesday, so I have been off work for most of this week. And because I have not had to be anywhere by 7:30 (OK, 7:45 as the year wore on…), I have been able to do something that I cannot do during the school year.
Read my Bible in the morning.
To clarify, I would LOVE to read my Bible in the morning every single day. But I am not a morning person. And, truth be told, that even feels like the understatement of the century. I HATE waking up. And I am no good at it. There is a LEAST one morning a week when Adam comes into our room, fully dressed and ready for his day, only to ask me, "Sweetheart, are you going to work today?" I have tried waking up super early, but the problem is that I am never fully awake when I am reading and/or praying, and so I feel like I am missing out and just doing it in the morning because people say that is the best time to spend time with God. So during the school year, I try to make that the first thing I do when I get home, which totally works for me.
BUT, all of that to say, now that I do not have to be anywhere super early, I have been spending time in God's Word in the morning, and I have been wide awake and loving it.
So with my morning reading, I have been in the book of Psalms. And for no particular reason, I have just been reading five Psalms each morning. And it has been WONDERFUL. Psalm is an easy book to fall in love with. It is so accessible, so raw. Which is very much where I am these days.
Earlier this week, the Lord brought me to Psalm 77. It centers around the idea of God upholding us and sustaining us through difficulties. Muy importante, especially right now.
I was almost at the end of the Psalm, when I got to verse 19.
"Your path led through the sea,
Your way through the mighty waters,
though Your footprints were not seen."
That just hit me square in the chest. I think because that is so where we are right now. I was explaining as much to the wonderful ladies in our Tuesday night small group. I just feel like we are being tossed around on this sea of uncertainty, like we will always be waiting and never actually BE parents. It FEELS like God has let us drift off any kind of charted course, like we have been forgotten, like I cannot see His footprints in our lives anymore.
But that is not true. He is here, and for whatever reason, He has decided that the path for us will be one that goes through the deep sea, through the mighty waters. And it is so, so, SO hard. There are days when it makes me angry, days when it makes me want to give up, days when I feel like I just can't hang on any more.
But look at Psalm 77:19.
The psalmist says it is "Your" path and "Your" way. Who is "Your"?
It's God. The path through the sea is His. The way through the mighty waters is His. So even when we cannot see His footprints, we are still on His path, they way He chose for us.
Knowing this doesn't always make our struggle any easier. In fact, sometimes it makes it harder. Because I feel as though if God can see what is happening and how much it is hurting, then, if He truly loves us, He should change it. Right? That is exactly what my human nature feels. But I have to trust and believe that there is something going on that is so far beyond my comprehension and that God is, in fact, working all of this together toward a beautiful outcome. So while knowing that God sees me and isn't changing our situation is so hard for me to digest, I am trying every single day to find comfort and assurance in knowing that He is here and that He is good.
If this is you, too, then I encourage you as I remind my self to remember that He is good and that He does love you. I know it can be so hard to trust that. I struggle with it all the time, so you are not alone. I am in your boat, and even though we are being thrown around on these raging seas and mighty waters, God is here, too.