Three Little Words

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS!

I talked to our social worker today and she said the three little words I have been longing to hear for MONTHS:

DOSSIER TO CHINA!

Our family is DTC (dossier to China) as of TODAY! I could sob.

We have been working toward this for almost this entire year. Right now--RIGHT NOW--our papers are flying overseas, and once they are registered, we are officially waiting to be matched with our daughter.

OHMYSTARS.

We are so excited and so very humbled to see what the Lord has in store for this family in the coming months. Thank you so much for you love and prayer and support. We could not, COULD NOT, do this without you.

With love,
Baylor

**And we are still selling our new t-shirt designs. Click HERE to check them out and place an order. As of right now, we have sold 24 shirts, and our great big goal is 150. Shirts will ship in time for Christmas!

It Landed

We received confirmation from FedEx yesterday that our PAIR letter has officially been delivered! What and enormous weight lifted off our shoulders. Apparently, few things in the world have the ability to throw me into a tizzy quite like adoption paperwork. Our letter was originally scheduled for delivery on Monday by 6 P.M. Naturally, I was stalking FedEx like a crazy woman, refreshing my tracking number every few minutes. Then, it suddenly said, "Delivery Delayed: Future Delivery Requested." My heart dropped down to my heels. And then I saw the new expected delivery date: Friday 3/13. I did my best to remain calm, but I was more than a little upset. A whole week? Our letter is going to sit in the FedEx facility for a whole week?

But the Lord is good and sovereign, and in the midst of my crazy, I tried to remind myself of those truths and rest in His peace.

So you can imagine my elation when we received our email confirmation yesterday that the letter had been successfully delivered to our agency. It landed. Yaaaay!

Now all we do is wait. Wait for a court date. Wait to travel to Ethiopia to meet our son!

And yesterday was made even more wonderful when we received updated photos of our little guy!

FOUR OF THEM!

So that is what I have been doing for the last 24 hours. Staring at the sweetest little face I have ever seen.

Love,
Baylor

Last Piece of Paper!

Yesterday was kind of a BIG day! We sent off our VERY LAST piece of paperwork that we are responsible for before plane tickets. 

My favorite FedEx receipt of all time. 

WOOT WOOT!! 

That last piece of paper is what is called the PAIR letter. Pre Adoption Immigration Review. This is our government's preliminary approval for us to bring Bradley into the U.S. We have sent it off to be authenticated, and from there, it will go to Ethiopia and we will be IN LINE FOR A COURT DATE! 

Did I just get to type those words? 

Why, yes. I believe I did. 

So now, we wait a little more. Shocking, I know. The authentication process seems to take about two weeks. Once our paperwork lands in Ethiopia, we are in line for our court dates. First, the preliminary hearing (which we do not attend). Then there will be the hearing itself, which we do attend. At that time, we will legally take custody of Bradley. He will officially, on paper, be ours. Cue the tears of joy and relief. 

Almost there. Thanks for sticking it out with us! 

Love, 

Baylor 

But I Did It Perfectly...

So by now you probably know that I am experiencing a bit of frustration in the adoption world this week. Our fingerprints have expired. Boo. And we are now at a place where nothing can be done until our prints are renewed. We are waiting for our appointment letters to come in the mail so that we can go get reprinted. Each letter has a barcode that is unique to our case, and so we cannot go without them. Believe me; I considered it.

The most frustrating part of it all is that our prints expired SIX DAYS before we needed our approval issued. And now we are stuck. Grrrrrr. For the last four days, I have STALKED my postman and the mailbox, praying that our letters would come, but they have yet to arrive.

And I have been blaming myself.

For three years, I have tracked every single piece of paper that pertained to our adoption. I have met deadlines, gotten originals of all of our documents, made it to appointments on time, checked and re-checked everything. And I did it successfully. But now, in the eleventh hour, I dropped the ball. I somehow missed that our prints were expiring, so my lapse is causing this delay. And as result of this, I have found myself feeling a lot of things over the last few days. I have been sad, upset, angry, impatient, unfocused, but most of all, I have felt indignant. I have thought about all the paperwork we have completed over the last three years, coupled with where we are now, and I have said to myself…

"But I did it perfectly."

And God stops me right there. He stops me and reminds me that this process, bringing this sweet, beautiful boy into our family, does not hinge on me or the perfection I might think I have achieved. I cannot do enough fast enough to get him home. It doesn't depend on me at all. This boy becoming my son rests solely in God's hands. Color me humbled.

And I am starting to think that is why our print cards have not arrived yet. I am starting to think that God is, once again, using this journey to my son to reveal something to me about Himself. Namely, His sufficiency and my lack of it.

Maybe you are there tonight, too. Maybe you have worked hard and done all the right things for a VERY long time, only to get so close to the end and feel like you have hit a brick wall. I'm right there with you, friend. But there is purpose in this, too. God is still at work, molding us into who we need to be for what lies ahead. Hang on.

Love,
Baylor

Another Step

I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to all of you who prayed for us yesterday. From what we have heard and deduced, things seem to have gone well, but we will not know for sure for another couple of weeks.

For now, we are working on getting our fingerprints renewed. I know, right. Third time. We are pretty sure it will be the FINAL time we have to do this. But we would LOVE for you to pray for us, as this has the potential to delay our case. And that thought sends me into a tail spin. I'll be honest. I am feeling super frustrated that after three years of diligently keeping up with so much paperwork, I missed something so key as such a critical point. Grrrr.

For now, we are taking another step toward our little man, and we are SO ready to see him and BRING HIM HOME.

So I'm just trying to hang in there and trust that God is sovereign over my oversight.

Hopefully, I will have some awesome news to share with you VERRRRY soon!

Lots of love,
Baylor

USCIS Extension Approval

In the spirit of keeping the world updated with the goings on of our adoption, I am writing today to let you know that we have been cleared again by USCIS to bring our little one(s) into the United States. When you adopt internationally, you must file with the U.S. government in order to able to bring your little darling(s) onto American soil. Essentially, you send in your home study documents and a forms requesting approval. It is usually the last step before your paperwork gets sent overseas. Your clearance is good for about 18 months.

We received our first immigration clearance in September of 2012.

Eighteen months have passed. And now we have reapplied.

The great news is that we got our approval back super fast. We sent everything the second week of March and just got our approval in the mail this week. That is a QUICK turnaround. For that, I am beyond thankful. Yay!

The not as great news is that we have been on the waiting list long enough to need to file for an extension. Boo.

Adam and I were talking on the way home from church today about how much this whole trial process has affected our lives. Both in good ways and bad. We are such different people than we were two years ago.

On the one hand, our life is SUCH a far cry from what either of us thought it would be. And that is really hard for us. We have been married for seven years and together for ten. That is a long time. And we are ready to grow our family (don't tell Daisy). By this point, I thought we would have two kids and be talking about number three. But we are childless. That is a hard word to assign to yourself. But the reality is, we are. And it is really hard to live in that reality, to know that this part of you and your life that you never doubted would come to be, suddenly isn't. And to then come to terms with the fact that it might not ever. Facing that truth does a number on your faith. I have found myself questioning things I have always believed with rock solid confidence.

Is God good?

Is God just?

Is God there?

Does God love me?

Those are tough questions. And especially tough when you have lived your whole life in the church and cannot remember a time when you did not know God. Still, I found myself wrestling with these questions, trying to get my brain and my heart around the fact that I believe wholeheartedly in a holy, just, good, loving, all powerful, upright God. And that this God sees how much I am hurting and allows it to continue. That will scramble your brain.

I am happy to be able to tell you that the answer to each one of those questions is a resounding, "Yes." I do want to be transparent here, and tell you that it does not always FEEL like the answer is, "Yes." But I know it is. I know that because I can see so many good things that have come from this.

I have learned that I must be wholly and completely reliant on God. (This is something I still struggle with way too frequently.)

I have learned that God's Word is life-sustaining.

I have learned that it is more important for my prayers to be honest than pretty.

I have learned that my struggles can point others to Christ if I stay focused on Him.

I have learned that God stays near to the broken hearted, of which I am most certainly one.

So there have been a LOT of parts about our current situation that have been harder than I can explain to you. But on the other hand, I believe that God gives us trials to sharpen us and prepare us, to strengthen us and grow our faith. And for that part of this life I am now living, I am grateful. I am also quite curious to see what is coming next if this current phase is just the preparation.

So for now, we are cleared to bring our babies home for another 18 months. Please, Jesus, please do not let us get to the place where we have to renew again.

Love,
Baylor

Paperwork Part Deux

Remember the summer of 2012? I sure do. It is emblazoned into my memory as the two month period during which we filled out more forms and practiced our signatures more times than I could possibly count. We went to doctors to make sure we are healthy enough. We are! We went to police stations to make sure we are not criminals. We're not! We went to banks to prove that we can afford to have a child. We can! We wrote to our health and life insurance companies to get proof of our policies. We have them! We asked our friends to be references for us. They agreed! We had our social worker come to our house to make sure it is a safe place for a child to live. It is! We went to the local immigration office to be cleared by the Department of Homeland Security. We passed!

Well…….

It's time for round two!

Our home study is about to expire, and so we are having to do some updating in order to keep things current. The update is not nearly as involved as the original home study. Wahoo! So here is what we have to do:

-Update medicals
-Update financial information
-Update criminal background check
-Update Child Abuse and Neglect clearance
-New home visit

All of these updates will be written up by our wonderful social worker and then the whole home study update will be sent to United States Citizen and Immigration Service. Once USCIS receives our updates, they will extend our immigration clearance, which is what gives us permission to bring our little birds into the country. MUY IMPORTANTE!

While parts of this are frustrating, it does feel really GOOD to be DOING something. For the last 16 months, our adoption has been entirely out of our hands. We (as you know) have just been waiting. So there is definitely something nice about working to bring our babies home.

One quick (and rather exciting) thing. It looks like we are MOVING!

Eeeeeeeek!

We are not moving far. Just to the other side of Birmingham. I am mentioning this now just in case there are any other waiting adoptive moms who are blog stalking our timeline (no shame; I do it ALL THE TIME) and wondering if a new home visit is required for their home study update. I am not sure if it is always required, but we lucked out with the timing and will be able to do our new house update at the same time as our annual update. SO, if you are approaching your home study update and are worrying about another home visit, check with your social worker to be safe, because I am not sure if it is always a requirement.

More on the business of moving once everything is final. Yay!

Love,
Baylor

Praying for Paperwork

Every now and then, I like to come to you all with a specific prayer request and ask you to intercede for us or for our children on the other side of the world. Today I want to ask you to pray for something a little different.

I am asking, begging, pleading for your prayers over paperwork in Ethiopia.

In our monthly update last week, I told you that we have only moved three spots in the last four months. This has me feeling like the walls are closing in. I have talked to our program director and case manager in recent weeks and expressed this concern. We have been told that the issue now is simply waiting for documents. Let me explain what that means.

In order for a child to be eligible to be adopted, there is a mountain of documentation that must be both gathered and approved. During the court closure this year, some things about the pre-referral paperwork changed. In the long run, it will be better, but it does mean that things are going to  be slower at first. Basically, the government is requiring more paperwork up front, and then the court system (on the regional level) must approve all of the paperwork and ONLY THEN is an adoption agency presented with a referral for that child.

The hold up is happening at the pre-court approval phase.

Would you please pray with us that God would move what seem to be mountains and get this paperwork together? We are desperate for good news on this front, and it has been so long since we have has any. July was the last time we saw any real movement. We are weary. We are exhausted beyond words. We need you to pray with us that God would move in a powerful way.

Please pray that needed documents would be found and approved with great speed. Please pray that we would see that gush of referrals everyone says must be coming. Please pray, that my some true miracle, we see our children's faces before the end of the year.

I cannot thank you enough for your prayers. This has been a long journey, way longer than we thought it would be, and you have stuck with us. Thank you.

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; 

knock and the door will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives; 

the one who seeks finds; 

and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

Matthew 7:7

Love,
Baylor

More Fingerprints

It has been just over a year since Adam and I were last fingerprinted for our adoption.

Ahhhhh... memories. 

One odd thing about the adoption process: Your fingerprints expire. 

So on Monday of this week, we went to get refingerprinted by the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) in order to keep our adoption eligibility current. You fingerprints are good for 15 months, but Lifeline asks you to start the renewal process a little early to avoid any lapse in eligibility.

Even though having to get refingerprinted means that we have been waiting for over a year, it still felt good to be doing something for our adoption. It has been a year since we really had to actually DO something. Now, I am not saying that I miss the paper chasing, but it did feel nice to be proactive.

Now we just wait for our clearance to come back. We are not expecting any issues, as we have not committed any crimes within the last year. Yay us! Once our clearance comes back in, we just forward it to Lifeline and then we are good to go for another fifteen months.

We are still praying hard to be matched with our children on or before Christmas of this year, and we ask that you would please come alongside us in that. Courts have reopened from the rainy season, but we have not heard anything yet. Please pray for MONUMENTAL movement this month. As the end of the year creeps ever nearer, I grow more and more uneasy that we might see the beginning of 2014 before we see our children's faces. That is a reality I am just not ready for and one I am praying against with all I have.

Thank you for continuing to walk with us down this looooooong road. You are being the hands and feet of Christ in our lives just by sticking with us. And we cannot wait to celebrate with you when these darlings finally come home.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."
Psalm 20:7

Love,
Baylor 

Room For One More?

Been visiting the grandparents for the last nine days, so I have LOTS to catch up on! Even some things God opened my eyes to during the 8 hour drive home from Myrtle Beach today. I will work on getting everything written down soon, but I wanted to share one totally awesome thing...

What seems like forever ago I told you that we were starting to work on being approved to expand our parameters to be able to adopt a sibling set.

Well, guess what!!!!!

BOOM! There it is!
Click on that picture to make it big and beautiful! 

We are approved by the U.S. government to bring home two precious babes! Oh, how my heart leapt out of my chest when Adam called to tell me this had come in the mail. Joy! Pure and unadulterated joy! I have been praying for two. I hope it is two! We are ready for two!! 

OK. I have to go spend time with my man! We have been apart for NINE days. 

I am so looking forward to sharing our new number (as soon as we get it) tomorrow and writing about what has been rolling around in my little brain here lately. Maybe I will have time tonight. Maybe not. In case it slips my mind.. key phrase: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. 

Love, 

Baylor 

FDL!

Ok. Here it goes... We have been approved by the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services of the Department of Homeland Security to bring our little one home! After a VERY rough day at work, I came home to this:

                                       Started freaking out as soon as I saw the return address!

                                                              Some beautiful words!

                                                                   And there it is!

Our FDL (favorable determination letter) was the absolute last thing we were waiting on, and now we are done. 100%. We are going to forward this to our agency this week, and they will catch it up with our dossier, which is in Ethiopia...just in case you forgot ;).

"A Father to the fatherless, a Defender of the widows is God in His holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5

Love,
Baylor

Adios, Paperwork. Hola, Waiting.

So our complete, whole, totally finished dossier is officially in the mail! It should arrive in Ethiopia in approximately four weeks. I know that might seem like a long time, but it is not going straight there. Our little dossier will make several stops along the way. Right now it is on its way to Utah to our placing agency, West Sands Adoption. Once it has been approved by West Sands, it will take a little trip to Washington D.C. While in D.C. it will stop by the Ethiopian Embassy and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (I think...it might actually be the State Department...not sure) for approval. After spending some time in D.C. it will head back to West Sands, and then finally hop the pond and land in Ethiopia safe and sound. So, when you realize how many different steps are involved, four weeks really does not seem like too terribly long.

Of course, Adam and I are beyond excited to be at this stage of the process. I still can't fully believe that we have sent our dossier off. Now we just wait. Hopefully, our dossier will arrive in Ethiopia in September. As soon as it arrives, we will be placed on the waiting list (oh my!). Even though we will be officially on the list as soon as our paperwork gets there, we will not get our first official waiting list number until the first week of October. Our agency does waiting list updates at the beginning of each month, so we will be waiting anxiously, staring at our phones and obsessively checking our email during that first week of October. :) And we will update you all with our numbers as we get them.

I know I just said it, but I really can't believe we are here. We are about to be a waiting family. What a blessing; what a sweet relief. Thank you, Lord, for bringing us to this point. Use this time to grow our faith in You. 

Love,
Baylor

P.S. We got one more surprise later in the day today. We received notice of our biometric fingerprint appointments from USCIS! This is happening!!

An Old Song

The adoption roller coaster really does go up and down...a lot. We have been worried for the last several days that our state police clearance would not arrive in time for us to make the September 1 deadline for filing our dossier without prior immigration approval. I really let this worry just gnaw away at me; apparently I am getting really good at letting things get to me. I know I need to work on that. So that was the roller coaster dipping down. If we did not get our police clearance in by September 1, then we would have to wait to be cleared by USCIS (probably an additional two months) before we could even be placed on the waiting list. So over the weekend, I was doing a fabulous job of fretting over this. Thankfully, Adam and I were visiting his mom and her new husband. My mother-in-law is an enormous blessing that I inherited when I married my sweet husband. I know people love to joke about how difficult mothers-in-law are, but that is a conversation I literally cannot participate in. My mother-in-law is one of the sweetest and most God-fearing women I know. I love her. I love knowing that our kids will have her to look up to and spend time with. She is such a steady force in my life, and, as usual, she was there for me this weekend. I was sharing with her some of the things that Adam and I have been struggling with lately regarding our adoption and also just life in general. And she was full of Godly advice and wisdom for me. She reminded me that God is who He says He is and He will do what brings Him glory and is for our good. We laughed and we cried, and she made me feel so much better.

After talking with her, I went outside for some time alone with the Lord. Adam grew up on a farm, so I was surrounded by a LOT of open space and a LOT of cows. I was grateful for the open space, but the cows were all staring at me (making city girl over here a little nervous). I was praying that the Lord would just calm my heart and fill me with His peace. I told Him that I needed Him to do this for me, because it was glaringly obvious that I could not do it for myself. I told Him that I felt like my prayers were being answered with silence, and finally, I asked Him to just say something, anything. To be totally honest here, I was half-expecting God to straight up thunder out of the sky and tell me that everything was going to be wonderful. Alas, that did not happen.

We ate dinner with the in-laws and then packed up to head home. By the time we got in the car, I was more or less and emotional wreck. As a side note, this is something adoption will do to you. The whole thing is such an overwhelmingly emotional experience, and while that is a good and beautiful thing, it can really take toll on your heart. Simply because you are just trying to get to your baby, the baby God created for you to love, and there are days when the process seems to move at a snail's pace. So it is a good thing to be emotionally invested, but there are days when it just wears a girl out. Anyway, we were in the car with our pup, heading back home, and I, of course, am starting to cry. So Adam puts in a CD. One of my favorites, but one I have not heard in a long time. Any Third Day fans out there? For the first few miles, I was just crying, but around the time I tuned in, this is the song that came on: 

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

The song is called "Mountain of God." I have known it for years, but I am now officially claiming it as our adoption song. It is perfect. Remember when I asked God to just say something? Well, He did not thunder out of the sky, but He sure boomed out of the speakers in our tiny little Eclipse. The Biblical truth behind the words of this song shot straight into my heart, and it is there to stay. It is SO ridiculously easy to become overwhelmed with everything that goes in to an international adoption, but I have to remember that God, my gracious and loving Heavenly Father, has gone before me. He has gone before me, and somehow, He simultaneously goes with me. He is with me, with us, right now. I can rest in that glorious truth. 

So as we were buzzing up 65 back home, I slowly stopped crying, and a peace settled on me. A peace that I absolutely know came from the Lord. And I was reminded (yet again) that He loves us, and He loves our precious little one, and He only wants and plans the best for us. So while it feels like things are crawling sometimes, I know that we are right in His hands, His beautiful, nail-scarred hands. I asked for His peace, and He gave it to me. I asked Him to speak, and He did. This is the God we serve. 

As far as the adoption roller coaster goes, that was a HUGE up. Now, normally after an up there is a down. Such was not the case for us this week. Why? Because our state police clearance letters came in yesterday!! That means our paperwork will be submitted in time to meet the September 1 deadline for filing without USCIS approval. Woot! I FedExed our letters to Kentucky this afternoon, so our dossier will hopefully be sent off soon, and then we can start the waiting list countdown. Smile. 

The Knotts have been getting quite the spiritual workout lately. And while it is difficult in the midst, we know it is for our good and God's glory in the long run. Thank you so much for keeping up with our story and for praying for us and we walk this road. As you can tell, there are rough days and awesome days, but we are so honored to be on this path, and we cannot wait to reach the end and have our little bird home with us for good! 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Love, 

Baylor 

A Day of Good Things (yay!)

As the title suggests, today was a day in which good things happened. And before I go into any details, I first have to thank God for today, because I know that the blessings that came my way today were straight from Him. I asked (ok, begged), and He answered. For that, I am so grateful. If you have been reading along with us, then you know that the last few weeks have been difficult. Yesterday, I told my husband, "I just need something good to happen relating to our adoption." And today, I got TWO good somethings. :)

First, our dossier arrived at the Lifeline office in Kentucky! And let me pause to give an enormous shout out to the incredible Ethiopia staff at the Kentucky office. These wonderful people have been so patient with me and have helped us so much throughout this process so far. I am so grateful to the Lord that He created and placed such wonderful God-seeking people in this office, because I am sure they deal with some crazies (like me, for example) on a regular basis. Anyway, I got an email this morning that our dossier had arrived safe and sound (BIG sigh of relief). Shortly thereafter, my phone rang, and it was a KY area code. I knew it was Lifeline, but I was in a meeting at work. With great pain and a lot of self-control, I did not answer (didn't want to be rude to the person giving our professional development at work today). But then the voicemail rang in. And the little notification was staring at me, taunting me. I lasted about thirty more minutes, all the while wondering which critical piece of paper I had forgotten to include. I managed to sneak out when there was a lull. I called our Ethiopia representative...voicemail! Ahh! So, I left her a message. We finally got in touch, and...our dossier is perfect! Nothing is missing; everything is in order. Wahooo!!! The only problem was that I accidentally sent two copies of our marriage license instead of just one. I guess I wanted the judge in Ethiopia to know that Adam and I seriously married. :) So that was blessing number one today. Now all we have to do is wait for our state police clearance to come in, and our dossier will be 100% complete and on its way across the Atlantic.

I am super excited about blessing number two. There is a retreat held twice a year in the Atlanta area for adoptive/adopting women. It is called Created for Care. I have been reading about it online for a long time, and I have read several blog posts about the retreat by women who have gone. Well, my mom and I are going together this coming year, and I am so, so, so excited that I will not only get to go and meet other women who are walking this same path, but that I will get to share this incredible experience with my mom, a woman who will be such an important figure in the life of our little one. This is such a big blessing for me, especially right now. With the timeline increasing for our adoption and the uncertainty of when we will get to bring our little bird home, it is SO nice to have something actually on the calendar that is adoption related.

Today is the kind of day where I am reminded that the Lord knows us so much better than we know ourselves, and I am so grateful that I serve a God who knows me and loves me right where I am.

"You have searched me Lord, and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6

Love,
Baylor

Bye Bye, Dossier

Today was the day. I mailed our dossier (unintentional rhyme). We have worked for a loooong time on the paperwork for our dossier--getting things signed, getting things notarized, going to the doctor, contacting our insurance company, asking for reference letters, finding old tax returns, copying passports, getting new passport photos, writing a letter (maximum one page...how ridiculous!) explaining why we want to adopt from Ethiopia, getting certified copies of birth certificates and our marriage license...Well, you get the idea. I was nervous to even put it in the mail. On more than one occasion I tried to rationalize driving to Kentucky to drop it off in person. But I went to FedEx today and boldly asked for an envelope and put all of that hard work (original copies!!!) in the mail.

                                                                   Our life on paper

                                                                       Bye Bye, Dossier!

The woman who helped me was so, so sweet. She asked me if I wanted to place a monetary value on the parcel. I responded, "Priceless." She gave me a funny look, and I quickly explained that we are adopting from Ethiopia and what the parcel actually was. As soon as I explained it, she was all smiles and said, "Well, that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard." And she was RIGHT! And not because Adam and I are beautiful, but because God is. He is perfectly beautiful, and adoption is a beautiful picture of the Gospel, of what Jesus Christ did for us by willingly laying down His own life so that we could spend an eternity with our Heavenly Father, the One who created us and the One who loves us unconditionally.

So today was another step closer to our little baby bird. And while I am anxious about all of that paperwork being out of my sight (you know I am calling Lifeline tomorrow to make sure it got there), I know that the Lord is in control, and He is bringing us ever closer to our little one.

Please pray that our dossier is in working order and that the one piece we are missing (state police clearances for both of us) arrives soon so that we can send everything off to Ethiopia.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Love,
Baylor

We Made It

I am heading back to work on Monday, and I cannot believe that today is that last real day of my summer break. More than that, I cannot believe that the paper chase of 2012 is over. We filed with immigration today and will (hopefully) be mailing our dossier tomorrow. Wow. It is a crazy feeling to even be typing those words. When we started this whole process, terms like "dossier" and "USCIS filing" seemed so incredibly far away, yet here we are. We have made it through the interviews, the home inspection, the paper gathering, the reference letters, the birth and marriage certificates, the autobiographies, the classes, the online trainings, the readings, the hundreds of copies of everything. We made it!

But we did not make it alone. Adam and I both know, beyond all doubt or second-guessing, that the Lord has been with us, right next to us, for every little step we have taken since April 10 when we first applied to Lifeline's Ethiopia program. It is unreal to think that it is four months to the day since we began our adoption journey, this beautiful that path that will ultimately lead us to our precious child. In some ways it seems like we have been on this ride forever, and in others it really feels like we have just started. But when we look back at all of the progress we have made over the past four months, one thing we know for sure is that God's hand has been (and will continue to be) all over this.

As we enter into this time of waiting--only waiting--it is my prayer that God will reveal Himself to us in ways we have not yet experienced. I imagine that these months of waiting will be both exciting and difficult. We have reached the point where there is quite literally nothing else we can do, which relieves me and fills me with anxiety at the same time. I am relieved because I know I have done every little thing that has been asked of my by our agency, our government and the Ethiopian government. We have jumped through every hoop, and our legs are tired! But I am also feeling anxious, because, up until this point, we have had some control over our timeline. We could determine the speed of the home study and the assembling of our dossier, but now, it is all in someone else's hands. And I don't know that someone, which is probably pretty lucky for that person because we all know I would be calling and emailing like a crazy person everyday to see how things are going. :) Anyway, I think that this is the part of adopting that will grow our faith exponentially. And to that I say: Bring it.

I am ready to know my God more personally. To love Him more fully. To trust Him more deeply. I don't always do a great job at these things, and I believe that the Lord is going to use this time of waiting to mold me. And I know that the molding process is not always pleasant. In fact, there are days when it is just plain old painful. But God is always right there, and He always has a purpose. And right here, I am reminded of a story that my mom used to tell me when I was younger.

A husband and wife were on vacation together in a small town and were passing the day looking inside various antique stores. The wife loved antiques and was hoping to find something beautiful to commemorate their trip together. They stopped at an old store and began to browse around. The husband found the most beautiful hand-painted teacup he had ever seen and immediately knew his wife would love it. He called her over. She did love the teacup with its dainty handle and beautifully painted flowers, and right as she was about to pick it up, the teacup turned to them and spoke, "You know, I haven't always been this beautiful." Needless to say, the couple was startled. "What do you mean?" asked the wife. "Well, I started out as just a lump of clay. Pretty ugly, actually. And I just sat for a long time on a table at the Master's house. He seemed to have a plan for me, so I waited to see what He was going to do. One day, He grabbed me and started kneading me, reshaping me over and over again. It hurt so much that I cried. I wanted Him to stop because the pain was unbearable, but He just kept going. As He was kneading me, He kept saying that I was going to be something beautiful, something spectacular. Finally, He finished molding me and set me down on a table. I realized that I was a teacup. I know teacup are useful, but I certainly wasn't beautiful. I was just ugly clay in the shape of a teacup. Like I said, useful, but nothing spectacular like He promised. Regardless, I was happy that I wasn't in pain anymore. He left me on the table for the night, and I woke up the next morning to Him stoking the furnace. I watched Him, wondering what was going on. Then, when the fire was good and hot, the Master walked over to me and picked me up. "This is going to be the worst part," He said, "But don't worry; I have plans for you, and you will be beautiful." Then He set me down on a tray and slid me in to the furnace. I was scared, and I felt like I was being burned alive. The fire kept getting hotter and hotter. I couldn't stand it. And the whole time I was in there, I could see the Master watching me, tending to the fire. He never left, but He didn't take me out. I begged Him to make it stop, but He didn't. I didn't understand why He was letting this happen to me, how He could just sit there and watch me burn up in this furnace. Time kept passing and the fire never died down, but I started to notice something. I was getting harder, more durable. Before the furnace, you could just pinch me, and I would change shape. Not any more. Finally, He took me out, and I began to cool down. I couldn't believe I was still alive. The Master let me cool over night, but He was back the next morning. He picked me up right away and told me that He was almost finished. I couldn't even begin to imagine what would be coming next after the molding and the furnace. I was scared. Of course, I wanted to be beautiful, but I didn't want to hurt anymore. The Master walked me over to the other side of the room. He picked up a paintbrush and began to paint me. He painted my beautiful flowers, taking time to make sure each brushstroke was just right. And after a long time, He set me down in front of a mirror. And what I saw when I looked in that mirror is what you see today, a strong and beautiful teacup. The Master had taken me, just an ugly lump of clay, and He had made me beautiful. It was so hard and so very painful, and there were a lot of moments when I wanted Him to stop. But if He had stopped, I never would have become what I am today, and this is what I was created to be." The man and his wife were amazed by the little teacup's story, so they decided to purchase the cup and bring her home. Now she sits on their mantle as a reminder of God's love and purpose in their lives, even during the hardest times. 

I have always loved that story. We are the teacup! You are the teacup! Our gracious God, the Master, takes us and He molds us and strengthens us until we are stronger and more beautiful than we ever could have been on our own. Yes, the molding process and the strengthening process can hurt, but we are never alone. God is right there with us. I am going to keep this beautiful story in mind as we enter the waiting process. I know that there will be (already have been) days when I feel like it is all just too much, but we have to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, in our lives is outside of God's perfect plan for us. So even in the midst of the hard days, I can rest in my good and perfect God. I can trust Him and know that I am right in the Master's hand. And I know that at the end of this adoption process, Adam and I will be stronger and more beautiful than we were when we went in, and none of that will be our doing.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore, I will wait for Him." Lamentations 3:22-24

Love,
Baylor

Signature Practice!

I think we have perfected our signatures! We received our adoption manuals via email yesterday (talk about some serious reading!) and have been busy reading and signing both last night and today. It has been super exciting, though, to learn more about what this process will look like. There is so much information to go through, and we are enjoying working our way through it. 

Lots of reading to do!

Sign here, and here, and here! 

One of the things we have to do for our home study is read a book called The Connected Child. I bought it this morning on my Kindle (love that thing) and am already 70% through it. I am attributing part of that to me being nerdy English teacher who loves to read, and I am attributing the rest of it to the fact that this is a REALLY great book! I strongly recommend it to anyone who is considering adopting or fostering. It is full of excellent information and practical applications for situations that are likely to arise post-adoption. 

Truly enjoying this!

This week has been full of blessings from God. It seems that with each day that passes, He is confirming again and again that this is the right path for us. He is so, so good. Adam and I are experiencing such a peace about this whole process, which is incredible when we think about how much it entails, but we know that our God is faithful, and we feel so blessed to be embarking on this journey with Him. 

All of this is really causing me to reflect on what God did for me by sending His Son to die for my sins on the cross. I amazed by His great love, and my mind is drawn to Ephesians 1:3-6 "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will--to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." WOW! 

God chose to adopt us into His family. It was His "pleasure and will." Meaning that He wanted to do so; it delighted Him to do so. What an incredible God we serve! That He chose to do this does not mean that it was easy. In fact, our adoption as sons and daughters came a great cost: the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. Still, God chose it. He loved (loves) us enough to purposefully endure pain in order to allow us to spend our eternity with Him. Talk about a loving Father! 

And so the more I pray and consider these things, the more I am assured that God is holding us right in the palm of His almighty hand. And from His hand, we cannot ever be snatched! 

On a different note, we have started an adoption timeline. You can click on the tab at the top of the home page to check it out. Not a whole lot to see yet, but more will be added soon! 

"The Spirit, Himself, testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:16

Love, 
Baylor 

The Process Begins...

We finished our Lifeline application for Ethiopia last night, and I am going to send it in after work today. Yay! It feels crazy to actually be starting this whole process, knowing that a year from right now there could be a precious son or daughter living in our house. Forever.

I have to admit that things are not going exactly the way I thought they would (see previous post). I always thought we would have biological children and then expand our family through adoption. And, who knows? That may still be the plan, but right now it looks like our first child will be a sweet beautiful baby from Ethiopia. It is difficult to explain how that makes me feel. I am thrilled that God has called us to adoption-we, ourselves are adopted (Ephesians 1:3-6) and it is an honor to be called to adopt orphans-like we once were-into our family. So while I am over the moon to be getting the adoption wheels rolling, my heart is snagged on a tough thought: What if we are never able to have biological children? If I am completely honest, the thought terrifies me. You see, the desire to adopt children and the desire to bear children are equally powerful within my heart. The thought of losing either one fills my heart with more sadness than I can explain. And it is there, in the center of that sadness, that I think God is going to do a mighty work in my heart and in our lives.

It has been my experience, especially lately, that God gets us to the point where we feel like there is no earthly hope, and then He kicks down the door of impossibility and triumphs over it. The incredible part is that the things which seem so impossible to us are a piece of cake for Him. He does not have to figure out a way to solve our problems. He is the solution! This is the God we serve, the God Who is worthy of all our praise. He is sovereign over everything that exists. There is not a drop of rain that falls to the earth without his knowledge and permission. And so, surely, the same God Who manages the winds and the tides and the rotation of the earth, that same God is able (and willing) to manage our tiny little lives.

So it is here that we must walk by faith and not by sight. It is here that when fear and doubt assail us we stand firm, not because we are strong-for, in fact, we are weak vessels-but because we know Whom we serve. I have to realize that it is not about my plans or what I thought would be best. Who am I? Not the Creator of the universe...that's for sure! God's plans are infinitely better than mine. His are perfect; mine are not. When I look back at my life, I am horrified to think what might have happened if we had followed my plan instead of God's.

For this reason only, I am resolving-through MUCH prayer-to move forward, fully trusting in our great God. Unfortunately, resolutions like this are always followed by Satan's attacks, so I know I will need to be prayerful and watchful. My prayer is that God would remind me, remind us, that there is no reason to fear; He already knows exactly how many children we will have, what their names will be, what their personalities will be like. So, hopefully, there will be no more wallowing around covered by a cloud of self-pity for me. Hopefully, prayerfully, God will give me (us) the strength and courage to walk with blind faith, knowing that the One Who is leading me is infinitely and only good.

And so today is a day of celebration for us. We are one step closer to meeting one of our precious children! Praise to the Lord!

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Love, 

Baylor 

Step one!