I have always been a fairly confident person, but motherhood has rocked me in all the ways that exist. Never before in my life have I felt so entirely unsure of the decisions I am making on a daily basis. And really, all I do is make decisions about the tiny people who live in my house. All.Day.Long. To be doing that in a deep pool of uncertainty has been tough on me.
But one decision that I know I need to make is to slow down and just BE THERE with my kids. I come from a family of achievers. We are bottom line, get it done people. You know the saying, “Those who say it can’t be done need to get out of the way of those who are doing it.”? That might be a family mantra. I love to accomplish and then move on. I thrive on change in that way. I love the idea of finishing something and starting something else.
And so motherhood has tripped me up here, too.
There is so much sameness. So much routine. SO MUCH REPETITION. So much.
And it’s good, right? Because that’s what kids need. They need routine and structure and sameness in order to feel safe and secure. Something I DESPERATELY want for both of my children.
But it pulls at me.
This again? That same question again? Home in time for naps again? Playing hide and seek with you hiding in the exact same spot again? Rocking and rocking and rocking and rocking. And then tomorrow....again.
I was having an anxious moment a few weeks ago while trying to get Asher girl down for her nap. It was taking roughly a million years, and I had this moment of overwhelming anxiety thinking, “She needs to fall asleep so I can go.” And then it hit me.
GO DO WHAT?
I have literally nowhere else to be.
My job is to be her mom. To give her all the love and time I have so that she feels safe and cared for.
When I have played eight thousand rounds of hide and seek with Bradley hiding behind his bedroom door every single time and he wants to go for round eight thousand and one... WHY NOT? Sure it’s exhausting to me, but he is loving it. Cracking up laughing every time I find him like it’s the best thing we have ever done together.
And so in this way. the Lord is using motherhood to humble me, to cause me to self sacrifice, to put someone else’s needs and wants above my own. And it is time well spent. So often I hear other moms say something along the lines of, “What is the point of it all?” or “I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything.” And I am the first to admit that I have had these same thoughts; I’m right there with you. The transition out of the classroom and into full time mommy land left me dealing with a serious crisis of self. So when I start to feel that way, I try to remind myself that what I am doing right now is providing my kids with a rock solid foundation from which they can build an extraordinary life. My kids need to know that I not just in their corner, but that I am going to stay there for as long as it takes. That kind of security builds self-confidence.
Now, I am not saying that I never make time for myself. You will find us at the YMCA every single day, with the kids in the child watch and me pretending I’m Shakira in Zumba or training for the Tour de France in spin class. That’s so important. I can’t be a good mom or a good wife or a good anything if I don’t take care of me, too.
But what I am realizing is that being a mom is seriously hard. It requires a lot of self-sacrifice that no one ever sees. And that can be a real blow to the old ego.
So, I am hoping to work on shifting my perspective to be able to see all that God is doing in the life of my family through this decision to stay home with my kids full time. I want my kids to see Jesus in me and know that He is the reason our family is the way it is. I want to point my kids to the Gospel every single day so that they can see how completely dependent on Christ we all must be. I want them to know the Lord from childhood, for there to not be a day they can remember without Jesus. It’s a tall order, and I know I will need the grace of Jesus Christ to come anywhere close to filling it.
With love,
Baylor
