Thursday, August 23, 2012

An Old Song

The adoption roller coaster really does go up and down...a lot. We have been worried for the last several days that our state police clearance would not arrive in time for us to make the September 1 deadline for filing our dossier without prior immigration approval. I really let this worry just gnaw away at me; apparently I am getting really good at letting things get to me. I know I need to work on that. So that was the roller coaster dipping down. If we did not get our police clearance in by September 1, then we would have to wait to be cleared by USCIS (probably an additional two months) before we could even be placed on the waiting list. So over the weekend, I was doing a fabulous job of fretting over this. Thankfully, Adam and I were visiting his mom and her new husband. My mother-in-law is an enormous blessing that I inherited when I married my sweet husband. I know people love to joke about how difficult mothers-in-law are, but that is a conversation I literally cannot participate in. My mother-in-law is one of the sweetest and most God-fearing women I know. I love her. I love knowing that our kids will have her to look up to and spend time with. She is such a steady force in my life, and, as usual, she was there for me this weekend. I was sharing with her some of the things that Adam and I have been struggling with lately regarding our adoption and also just life in general. And she was full of Godly advice and wisdom for me. She reminded me that God is who He says He is and He will do what brings Him glory and is for our good. We laughed and we cried, and she made me feel so much better.

After talking with her, I went outside for some time alone with the Lord. Adam grew up on a farm, so I was surrounded by a LOT of open space and a LOT of cows. I was grateful for the open space, but the cows were all staring at me (making city girl over here a little nervous). I was praying that the Lord would just calm my heart and fill me with His peace. I told Him that I needed Him to do this for me, because it was glaringly obvious that I could not do it for myself. I told Him that I felt like my prayers were being answered with silence, and finally, I asked Him to just say something, anything. To be totally honest here, I was half-expecting God to straight up thunder out of the sky and tell me that everything was going to be wonderful. Alas, that did not happen.

We ate dinner with the in-laws and then packed up to head home. By the time we got in the car, I was more or less and emotional wreck. As a side note, this is something adoption will do to you. The whole thing is such an overwhelmingly emotional experience, and while that is a good and beautiful thing, it can really take toll on your heart. Simply because you are just trying to get to your baby, the baby God created for you to love, and there are days when the process seems to move at a snail's pace. So it is a good thing to be emotionally invested, but there are days when it just wears a girl out. Anyway, we were in the car with our pup, heading back home, and I, of course, am starting to cry. So Adam puts in a CD. One of my favorites, but one I have not heard in a long time. Any Third Day fans out there? For the first few miles, I was just crying, but around the time I tuned in, this is the song that came on: 

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

The song is called "Mountain of God." I have known it for years, but I am now officially claiming it as our adoption song. It is perfect. Remember when I asked God to just say something? Well, He did not thunder out of the sky, but He sure boomed out of the speakers in our tiny little Eclipse. The Biblical truth behind the words of this song shot straight into my heart, and it is there to stay. It is SO ridiculously easy to become overwhelmed with everything that goes in to an international adoption, but I have to remember that God, my gracious and loving Heavenly Father, has gone before me. He has gone before me, and somehow, He simultaneously goes with me. He is with me, with us, right now. I can rest in that glorious truth. 

So as we were buzzing up 65 back home, I slowly stopped crying, and a peace settled on me. A peace that I absolutely know came from the Lord. And I was reminded (yet again) that He loves us, and He loves our precious little one, and He only wants and plans the best for us. So while it feels like things are crawling sometimes, I know that we are right in His hands, His beautiful, nail-scarred hands. I asked for His peace, and He gave it to me. I asked Him to speak, and He did. This is the God we serve. 

As far as the adoption roller coaster goes, that was a HUGE up. Now, normally after an up there is a down. Such was not the case for us this week. Why? Because our state police clearance letters came in yesterday!! That means our paperwork will be submitted in time to meet the September 1 deadline for filing without USCIS approval. Woot! I FedExed our letters to Kentucky this afternoon, so our dossier will hopefully be sent off soon, and then we can start the waiting list countdown. Smile. 

The Knotts have been getting quite the spiritual workout lately. And while it is difficult in the midst, we know it is for our good and God's glory in the long run. Thank you so much for keeping up with our story and for praying for us and we walk this road. As you can tell, there are rough days and awesome days, but we are so honored to be on this path, and we cannot wait to reach the end and have our little bird home with us for good! 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Love, 
Baylor 


3 comments:

  1. I sit here reading this with tear-filled eyes. To think that something so wonderful could cause you so much pain an sadness breaks my heart for you. However, I think you have it all figured out. God is, has been,and will be with you through this whole process. You are one of the most caring, God-fearing women (along with your mother)I know and you are going to be an amazing mother. Your heart break and sadness is caused only by your strong desire to be a mother and He is waiting for that perfect child to bless you and Adam with. The fact that His sign to you was in the form of a song and not in the form of thunder is proof that this is a wonderful, peaceful process and He wants you to be reassured with song and scripture and not frightened with thunder. Baylor, you can do all things.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was from Lea Harlow

      Delete
  2. He makes all things beautiful in His time. Love you, sweet girl!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...