I'm {not} Fine.

As I was scrolling through Instagram this morning, I found a photo, courtesy of @momastery, that perfectly encapsulates how I am feeling about our adoption right now.

{photo credit: @momastery} 

I mean. Seriously. How perfect is that? 

And that is basically it. 

There is so much about the way this process has been going lately that has left me feeling completely helpless and exhausted. Kind of like a woman who has collapsed in the middle of the street while still chanting, "I'm fine." 

But the reality is, I am the exact opposite of fine. 

I don't feel fine. I feel lost, hurt, scared, exhausted, panicked. I feel like the road in front of us keeps getting longer, not shorter. I feel like our boy will never really be home. 

And yet, when people ask me how I'm doing, my response is still, "I'm fine." 

Why in the world do I do that? 

I don't know if I want people to think I am fine or if I just can't handle unloading everything on every person who asks. 

But whatever it is, I can assure that I am not actually fine. 

This past week has been a real struggle for me. All of our final paperwork has been in Ethiopia for over six weeks, and we have yet to move to the next step of bringing our boy home. And I am powerless to do anything about it. It is maddening. To love a little life so much and be unable to show him that or keep him safe. There have been so many moments when I have felt the wave of panic rising up inside me. So much so that I can't keep the tears back. I look at his precious face, and I can't believe that we have had to spend so many days apart. 

At each step of this whole journey, I have felt myself being tested and stretched beyond anything I ever thought possible. And as we have progressed, it has only gotten harder. This week, especially, I have struggled deeply with reconciling who I KNOW God is and who He APPEARS to be in my life right now. I know that is something I should not be struggling with. Because I know God, and I know He is good. But when I look around at the state of our life and where our son is, I am left feeling mystified, even hurt. I was watching an adoption story today, and the wife of the couple said that during their long, long struggle to become parents she often felt that what God was doing was mean. Oh, that resonated with me. I have felt that way often, and it is a terrible thing to feel. I know God is not mean; He is loving and good. 

And so right now, on a daily basis, I am having to remind myself that my feelings are not a true indicator of who God is. I can feel them (and I think I should), but I cannot stop there. I have to continue believing that God is good and that He is at work, even in the middle of this terrible situation.

So if you are here, too, in the middle of something tough, I want to invite you to be OK with the fact that you are not perfectly fine. I don't believe that God asks us to ignore our feelings. I believe He asks us to trust Him in the midst of them. 

So, while I am not "fine," I am trying to remain steadfast in faith. 

Love, 

Baylor