Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Wait List Update: February 2014

Have you ever just felt like your heart has sunk all the way down to the bottom of your feet? That is where I find myself sitting today. So if you are there, too, you are not alone. I am sitting right next to you.

We got our monthly email update yesterday. It was not good.

I immediately texted my family with the news and told them that I really did not want to talk about it. And I don't. I don't want to walk through it all again. But I do. I do want to talk about it, because these are my kids. I can't talk about it, because I will lose it and break down into ugly, heaving sobs. But I have to talk about it because it is filling every available centimeter of space in my mind.

I can't bear to even think about another month of silence passing us by. And then I want to scream and thrash like a child because maybe that will take away some of the pain.

I want to get to my children.

And I can't.

I want to hug them and kiss them and tell them I am so sorry that it took me so long.

And I can't.

I want to know the joy of motherhood.

And I can't.

Often these days, I find myself looking at my own life and feeling completely mystified. This is my life? This waiting and hoping and wondering? This is not what I thought my life would be.

Still, somewhere really far and deep down inside my soul, I do know that God is in this. And that singular truth keeps me from completely and totally giving in to despair. It is really the only thing holding me here. Giving in is so tempting; it seems like it would be so much easier. But I have to hold on. I just have to. Maybe I'm crazy. Or maybe I just really and truly believe that every single word of the Bible is true and that God will not leave me or forsake me. Even when all of the evidence I can see is to the contrary. God does not operate within the realm of the human mind. He is beyond my capability to see, plan and understand. His ways are infinitely higher than mine. And so while I have no idea, not a single clue, what He is doing, I do know that He is in control of this.

And I am trying to cling to that truth.

Lord God, please let February bring a change. Let this be the month that we finally, after four months of being in the same place on this list, move closer to our children. Please, Jesus.

Those who sow with tears

    will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.
Psalm 126:5-6

I have sown with tears, too many to count. And I am ready to reap with songs of joy. 


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