Monday, June 2, 2014

Wait List Update: June 2014

It's almost eleven o'clock at night, and I am sitting in our living room in the dark with a tear stained face trying to sort through my feelings via writing. I can't sleep. I already tried. Sobs came, the kind that shake you. And I didn't want to keep Adam awake, so I got up and came out here. My mind keeps running back through the last two years, one month, three weeks and one day, trying desperately to make sense of it all. And I can't.

We did get our monthly email today, and we did move. But hardly at all. And I know that I should probably just be grateful to have moved period, but the truth is that I can barely get past the hurt enough to catch my breath.

There is a child shaped hole, an adoption shaped hole in my heart. And I have been yearning, longing, pleading, begging for that to be filled for years. Still, we are waiting. With no real end in sight.

And I don't understand it. I just don't.

On Sunday, our pastor preached out of Psalm 84, focusing on Christ followers who are walking through deep and dark valleys. It was well-timed for me. Definitely something I needed to hear. He talked specifically about times when believers walk through the Valley of Baka, the valley of weeping. The psalmist implores God to turn their tears into springs of renewal. O, how I long for that to happen in my life and in my heart. I deeply long for some form of renewal, some sense of relief, because I feel so desperately alone, so unbelievably exhausted, so completely empty.

So I know that update posts should be super happy and yay, but I just cannot get there today, my friends. I wish I could. I would love to feel like celebrating. But right now, this girl's heart is just hurting, and I am trying my best to hang on to the God I know and trust.

"In you, Lord my God,
 I put my trust.
I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you
 will ever be put to shame,

but shame will come on those
 who are treacherous without cause.
Show me your ways, Lord,
 teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
 for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
 for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
 and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,  
for you, Lord, are good.
Good and upright is the Lord;
 therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
 and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.
They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear him;  
he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
 or only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart  and free me from my anguish.
Look on my affliction and my distress
  and take away all my sins.
See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.
Deliver Israel, O God, from all their troubles!"
Psalm 25


P.S. The lack of picture is due to our current lack of printer to print out our new number. Email or Facebook me if you want to know it.

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