SHINE 2015!

This is the week! This is the week! I am leaving for Austin to spend four days with some of my favorite people… Noonday Ambassadors!

Our annual conference, dubbed "Shine" this year, has finally arrived, and I CANNOT WAIT! We are kicking the week off with a Rwanda reunion, and then I get to spend lots and lots of time with my adoption soul sister, Amy, and about 300 other Ambassadors from all around the country.

Eeeeeeek!

These women, oh, these women. They are women who long to see the world change and then do something about it. They fight poverty, slavery and violence. They promote women's rights, adoption and maintaining the family unit. They advocate for justice both here and around the world. They sacrifice, encourage and work HARD.

And I am so honored to be counted among them.

I wish you could see the kind of community that has been forged among these ladies, most of whom have never actually met in person. They pour into each other and lift one another up. They offer advice and counsel, encouragement and love. And they do it without judgment. They share some deep and hard things, both to look for help and to offer it.

Last year, I wrote about my experience in Rwanda with 24 of these fascinating and awe-inspiring women. It was unlike ANYTHING I had ever experienced in my life. And now I get to meet even more of these women, get to know them and their stories. I am PUMPED!

I have always wanted to lead an extraordinary life, and I am so thankful to have this group of women o challenge me and spur me onward toward what God has for me. They give me courage.

Bring it on Austin, we are ready to SHINE in 2015!

Love,
Baylor

P.S. Odds are, I will be BLOWING UP my Instagram feed starting Wednesday night. Feel free to check out what this awesome community is like. @baylorknott Or you can follow our hashtag: #noondayshine2015

An Overcomer

While driving home from work on Friday, I was thinking about everything that has happened in my life over the last three years on this journey to our son. I was in the middle of considering all that I have endured over these incredibly long and difficult years, and the Lord stopped me right there.

These are not things I have endured. These are things that, through the sovereign grace of God, I have overcome. There is an enormous difference between those two words and all that they imply.

So much of our adoption journey has left me feeling as though I have merely survived. Like I am dragging my bruised and bloodied self toward the finish line where I will collapse in a heap and say, "I made it." But that is absolutely not what God is doing. Yes, He is allowing me to experience things I NEVER thought this life would bring me. Yes, this path to our son has been the single most difficult thing God has ever asked me to do. Yes, there have been MANY days when I wanted to completely give up and walk away because it was all just too hard. And it would be so easy (and would be my natural inclination) to sit here tonight and tell you that by the grade of God I have SURVIVED these things.

But I haven't.

I have overcome them.

Now, that is not me tooting my own horn. My horn went out the window (along with my expectations) a LONG time ago. There is simply nothing left to boast about, save for the awesome power of God through the blood of Jesus Christ. I look back at the last three years of my life, and I fully and completely see that God has brought me to where I am IN SPITE of me, not because of me. And He alone has allowed me to OVERCOME the trials and obstacles this life has brought. That is huge.

To overcome something is to move past it in victory. And when I look at this journey to my son, that is what I see behind me. A loooooong path of twists, turns and pits that have not merely been survived. They have been overcome. Let's look at some of them.

Attacks on my marriage. If there was one thing about this adoption process that came completely out of left field for me, it is how much this would impact my marriage. Wanting kids, adopting, meeting deadlines that seem to hold the fate of your family in their hands… Those are tough things. Aching to hold your child, to see his face. Those are things that seem impossible to bear. And my husband is the lucky soul who got to live with me through all of it. He has seen the good, the bad and the unspeakably ugly. Whenever someone tells me that I am handling this so well, I politely suggest that they run that by Adam. He might be singing a different song. But God has been so, so, SO faithful to us in this. Our marriage has withstood some fiery trials and some not so graceful moments (almost exclusively on my behalf) and has come out on the other side stronger than I ever thought possible. Deciding to adopt is no small thing. You are handing over the future of your family, and the process is a long one. You have to decide together that you are willing to stand firm through whatever comes your way, that you will stay together and fight for your child together and pray together and believe together that God has called you to this. Before this, Adam and I stood face to face in love. Now, we also stand side by side in battle, willing and ready to do whatever it takes to protect and provide for our family. We have stared some of the darkest adversity in the face and refused to give in. We have cast our burdens on the Lord, and He has carried us. None of this was done in our own strength. Not at all. God's grace and love and mercy have flooded into our lives and our marriage, and we we have overcome what seemed impossible.

Attacks on my faith. Oh, this is a deep one. I have never, not once in my life, doubted God. Then we started our adoption. At so many points throughout this journey it has felt like I was totally and completely alone. Like God was nowhere to be found. And I was left to figure out if God is, in fact, who I have always believed Him to be. There were dark days, my friends. Days when I felt so certain that I had been abandoned. Days when I cried out to God begging for Him to say something, anything. And on many of those days, in His infinite wisdom, God remained silent. He chose to let me rediscover Him for myself. He never let me go, never let me out of His sight or out of the reach of His almighty hand. But He did let me take a long, hard look at my own heart and my faith. He let me search my soul and His Word to see if He is the One True God, sovereign and incomprehensibly good. I doubted, feared, cried, raged and begged. And He let me. He let me experience all of those things. He let me experience all of those things so that when I came up on the other side, I would know beyond the shadow of any doubt that He is EXACTLY who He says He is. He helped me overcome my doubt and my fear, my anger and my hurt. And He showed me that He has been right here with me all along.

I have said it before. God has met NONE of my expectations. But He has surpassed them all. He has helped me not just survive the trials of the adoption journey and of life in general, really. He has showed me how to overcome them. I am still working on it, believe me. There are days when I have to coach myself, "My son is coming home. God will bring him home. He is ours, and God is in this." So I am not perfect by any stretch, but God has shown me, through this incredible thing called adoption, that I can be more than a survivor; I can be an overcomer.

And you can, too! I don't know what your trial is, what the thing is that God has asked you to do. But I know that if He has indeed called you to it, then He will equip you for it. There will be days when you feel like you are just surviving. I have had too many of those to count, but He is strengthening you for something greater. And when you get to the other side, you will get to look back and say, "Look at what God has allowed me to overcome." And it is my hope that your heart will swell with gratitude, because being an overcomer means that God is training you up for something incredible.

Love,
Baylor

Moving Along

Oh, how I love to open my inbox and see an email about our adoption moving forward! And it happened today. God's faithfulness (and speediness) since our referral has been so overwhelming and so humbling. Adam and I were excitedly talking today about our case's progress, and my sweet and God-fearing man said about our boy,

"I'm so humbled by how God is already at work in his life."

And I could not agree more.

God has His hand on my son. He has big plans for our little man, and I cannot believe that I get to be a part of his story. Adam and I get to see who he is and who he becomes. We get to see God grow and use him. We get to walk on this journey and tell him how loved and pursued and prayed for he has been since looooooong before he was born.

I used to say that there were moments when I would look up and say, "I can't believe this is my life." I meant that we were still waiting to be parents, waiting to be matched, waiting, waiting, waiting.

But now I feel the same sentiment. I canNOT believe this is my life. I can't believe that I get to raise this sweet boy, get to be the one who guides him in love and in truth. I can't believe that I get to watch the man I love most teach my son to be a man after God's own heart. I cannot believe that my heart has this much room to love. And I cannot believe how abundantly faithful my great and glorious God has been.

I am the FIRST in line to admit that I doubted, cried and raged against what God was doing. But He knows the whole story, and He has always known the name and face of my sweet, sweet son. So today I am choosing to bask in the joy of knowing that my God reigns, and I am believing more each day that He is writing a story beyond my comprehension.

And I would be remiss if I did not thank you for praying for us. Things are moving faster than we thought they would (WHAT??), and we are now in the next phase of the game. I can't go in to a bunch of specifics here, but I would ask for your continued prayers, that God would move our case swiftly so that we can bring our boy home to his parents (and his dog!).

Love,
Baylor

Just Like Your Dad

If you have ever met my family, then you know I am the spitting image of my mother. Seriously. We look EXACTLY alike. It's kind of strange. We are often stared at when we are out in public. Once, when I was young, I thought I saw a picture of myself in my grandmother's house, and I asked my mom, "Where was this taken? I don't remember this." It was a picture of her. Yup. That's right. We look so much alike that I couldn't even tell us apart. And you know what? 

I LOVE that. 

I love that I look just like my mom. She is the woman I admire most in the entire world. I love everything about her. She has a fierce faith and a devoted heart. She loves her God and her family. She is honest and wise, reliable and wholly trustworthy. It is an honor for me to bear such a striking resemblance to her. 

I have always wondered what it would be like to one day look into the face of my daughter and see my own self reflected. More than that, though, I have dreamed of the day when I would look at my son and be able to say things like, "You look just like your dad when you do that." 

And then God called us to this life of adoption. A life that ensures our children will NOT look like us. Part of that has been hard. There is something incredibly unique about seeing yourself in your children. Even now, so much of the discussion that swirls around the children of my dearest friends is focused on determining who the child looks like. Mom or dad? That is not a conversation that will be happening in the Knott household. 

Our perfectly beautiful son does not look like us. 

I thought that would be so hard for me. Not the idea of adopting. I LOVE adoption. Love it more than I could ever attempt to explain to you. I thought it would be hard to never look into the face of my son and think, "Goodness, he looks just like Adam." 

But then God gave me a gift. 

A truth. 

It's not about physical appearance. It's ALL about spiritual appearance. 

You see, I am adopted, too. I have been, through the saving blood of Jesus Christ, adopted into God's family. Permanently. Forever. I don't look a THING like Him. Not one bit. But He has covered me with His grace and mercy. He has washed away my sin and made me white as snow. He has made me His daughter. And I like to think that when I am following His will for my life, He looks at the angels around Him and at Jesus, His Son, and says, "Doesn't she look just like us when she does that?" 

That thought alone pulls me close to tears. And then I realized that I will have THAT opportunity with my own son. I might not be able to look at him and think he physically looks just like his dad, but I am praying and hoping for the day when I can watch him follow God's great plan for his life and think to myself, "You look just like your dad when you do that." 

Because that is what I know his earthly father will model for him. A life that lives fully and wholly sold out to Christ. And in looking like his earthly father, my sweet boy will be living a life that follows his heavenly father. And you know what? I can't think of two souls I would rather have my son imitate.

Do we do that enough? Try to emulate Christ? It is our life's calling. Are we answering? When people look at us, are they thinking we look just like our Heavenly Father? If not, we need to shift our focus. We need to point ourselves and our lives toward Him and ask Him what He desires of our lives. We need to be brave enough to follow Him, whatever the path.  

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

Ephesians 5:1-2

Love, 

Baylor 

All You Can See

I have spent so much time over the last few days reflecting on how Christmas this year is so different from last year. God has done so much. Last year, we were at the beginning of a six month stretch of no movement. Rumors were flying that Ethiopia was going to close to international adoption within days. Motherhood seemed to be a long, long way off.  My heart was heavy. And I could not see how God was getting any glory from the circumstance in which I found myself.

Fast forward to this year. God has brought us our son. He has written this incredibly beautiful story that I still cannot believe I am a part of. God has not met a single expectation of mine. He has surpassed them. He has brought us this little life to love for all of our days, to raise and minister to, to teach about Jesus.

On Christmas Eve last year, I found myself sitting in church with my husband and my family fighting back sobs  and then turning away when I couldn't, trying so hard to maintain a spirit of thankfulness and trust in God in the midst of the single most difficult thing I have ever endured. I was crying out to God to give us a miracle. This plea was followed by months of silence. Months that tested and refined my faith in God. Months that showed me God is exactly who He says He is.

Last night, I was sitting in the same church, in almost exactly the same seat in tears because of all God has done. And the pastor said something that hit might right where I am. In talking about what God can and will do in our lives, he said:

"All you can imagine is all you can see." 

I love that. It's so true. All I can imagine God doing is what I know is possible. God does not exist within that framework. He is beyond it. And I am so thankful to serve this great God.

This is never more true than on Christmas Day. The day God did something so far beyond our imagination. He willingly sent His only Son to us. To be born, to live and to die in our place. To pay the price our sin deserves so that we could be redeemed unto Him. So today, I have to ask you the most important question there is.

Do you know Jesus?

Not just who He is or what He did. But do you know Him? He knows you and loves you. He chose to give His life for you. There is no greater love. And it all started on this day over 2,000 years ago. With a baby's cry.

I hope and pray that you do. That you are able to bask in the joy of His love and rejoice in the beauty of His sacrifice.

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Baylor

A Place I Will Show You

I have a HUGE writing deficit going on. We have been waist deep in research papers at school, and that has left me little time for anything other than grading and answering questions. But oh so much is swirling around in my head.

First and most importantly, I am so humbled by all that God has done in our lives, not just in matching us with our son, but with EVERY SINGLE DETAIL over the last two and a half years leading up to the moment we saw our son's beautiful face. At so many points along the way, I doubted, questioned and even defied. I just KNEW that my way was better, that if God would just LISTEN to me, everything would work together and end up exactly right.

But I was wrong. So, so wrong.

All of those months of tears and begging and bargaining, and our son was not even born yet. How humbling. How like God to lead us through a valley that, to us, seems impossibly deep, only to bring us to the place He designed for us all along. So much of this journey has been God asking us to trust Him. Much like Abraham, we were asked to go to a place He would show us. Not a place He had showed us, but to a place that He would at some point in the future show us.

So hard.

So unlike anything else I have ever experienced.

I have always known Jesus. I cannot think of a time when I didn't. But my faith had never been tested in this way. I had never had to choose to believe God in spite of my circumstances. God had blessed me beyond measure. And then we began the road to our son. This road that we were so certain would look a certain way.

Only it didn't.

It didn't live up to ANY of our expectations. It seemed like we were hitting brick walls at every turn. All we wanted was to become parents, to adopt this beautiful child. Yet nothing was happening. If anything, we seemed to be getting further and further away from our child(ren). Months and years passed.

And we were SO tempted to pursue something else in the meantime. A concurrent domestic adoption. Another country. Something. We were committed to Ethiopia, but it looked like it would be YEARS longer. I pushed for it. Told Adam that I just couldn't take it anymore.

And he, like the Godly man he is, reminded me of Abraham. Over and over again. God asked Abraham to go to a place He would reveal. God promised Abraham a son. Decades went by with no end in sight. And then Abraham veered off God's course with Hagar. He doubted God's promise. And I did the same. But Adam steered me back, away from the temptation to pursue our own path, away from the shouts of the world, telling us to do what we wanted.

And through God's strength and grace, we managed to stay faithful. Now there is this little life, this sweet and precious life who is ours to love for all our days. God has given us a glimpse of the place He has called us to, and I am so thankful, so humbled and so overwhelmed.

So now we are praying him home. And even in that, I am learning to trust God in a whole new way. Someone else is caring for my son. Someone else is feeding and hugging and comforting my son. Someone else is feeding and loving my son. And I am here. Away from him. Trusting God to intervene and believing in His promise that He wastes nothing and controls everything.

More to come VERY soon.

Love,
Baylor

A New Phase

Monday was December 1. Do you know what I did NOT do on Monday? Stalk my email for a waiting list update. For the first time TWENTY FIVE months! It was a glorious relief. No more numbers. Just his precious face. Amen to that.

I have spent so much time over the last few days tracing back through this incredible journey, and I am amazed over and over again by the evidence of God's goodness and faithfulness. Evidence that is just NOW being made visible. I am overwhelmed and completely humbled. And I'm working on getting it all together to tell you. I promise.

For now though, I want to share just a bit about this new phase we are in. Adam and I are BEYOND thankful for your love, support and constant prayer over the years. You are such an integral part of this journey we are on. Thank you for walking with us. This phase is different. There are a lot of things we cannot share. I want so much to send his precious photo to everyone who has walked this path with us, but I can't. We have to protect his privacy. Believe me...once we are legally his parents, there will be an inundation of photos!

And then there's his life up till now. There is much of our son's story that is not ours to tell, and so we are keeping it for him and not telling it to anyone. While I love to know people and be known by people, this is different. His life leading up to us is his and his alone to share, so we are starting our journey as parents out by trying to respect that and honor his privacy. It's not that we don't want you to be involved, and I am so worried that it will come across that way. It's just that this is his life and his story. He will one day grow up to be a man, and this part of his life is just not ours to share.

So we are asking for your grace and understanding in that.

We want you to be involved in his life from here forward. We want you to meet him and love him and remind him of God's love and goodness.

Much will happen over the coming months. Paperwork. Court hearings. Travel. COMING HOME! And we still need you! We still need your prayers, and we are so thankful for them and for you, for all you have done in our lives and in the life of our son. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus, and it is beyond humbling to be recipient of your love.

Love,
Baylor