Mother's Day

I have spent a good deal of time this week thinking about Mother's Day. It is one of my favorite days, because I get to honor my own beautiful mother, a woman I am beyond grateful for. And yet, this year Mother's Day has carried with it a new meaning, a new sense of heaviness that it has not had before. A heaviness that I am sure stems from the lack of the pitter patter of little feet on our floors and a look at the long road ahead of us to get to that pitter patter. It can be overwhelming (Have I mentioned that before?).

And so over this past week, I resolved to work on spending time thinking about and praying for our birth mother. She is on my mind often and in my heart always. I long for her to know Jesus, to feel safe and loved. I long for her to fully know the depths of my gratitude for her, for her to know that it is through her sacrifice that I will become a mother, for her to know that I will love this child she carried, because I have been carrying him/her in my heart every single day for more than a year. I long for her to know that she is prayed for and honored by us and that she will continue to be for as long as we are alive. I long for her to know so many things, and I am praying that God will give us the opportunity to tell her all of them. 

Still, as much as I have tried to keep my focus elsewhere, today has been difficult. I am so glad that we have a day set aside to honor mothers. You all deserve it! I truly believe that raising children is one of the highest callings that can be placed on a woman's life, and those who rise up to the challenge most certainly deserve to be honored for all they do. You mothers out there are all-stars in my book. Yet today I found myself struggling, feeling lost, confused, maybe even hurt. My heart longs to join this group, these women who train up the next generation, but the Lord has not yet done that in my life. He has me waiting. 

And I spend a whole lot of time wondering why. 

I wonder if I am not really suited to motherhood. 

If the Lord doesn't have it in His plans for us to have children. 

If I will be waiting for years on end to have just one child in my home. 

These are the doubts that trouble my mind. And while I know they are not true, they are still things I struggle with, things I am ready to put behind me. I do know that the Lord has a plan for me and that His intention and desire for my life are far greater than anything I could come up with on my own. Still, days like today are hard. And I am writing this not to have you feel sorry for me, but because I feel certain that there are other women out there who feel this way. And to you, I want to say, 

"Do not give up. God is growing you, teaching you, reshaping you, stretching you, preparing you. It is so hard. Impossible. But it is only impossible for you and for me. Not for Him. He is able to do more than we can imagine; we just have to hang in there and trust that He is good."

Today did not start out well for me. I cried most of the way to church and through most of the singing. But it got better. God was able to refocus my heart, and He used the beautiful people He has brought into my life to bring me tangible pieces of joy today. Thank you so much to those who wished me a Happy Mother's Day today. I cannot tell you how much good it did for my heart to be included. I know there are no children in my home yet; right now they are living in my heart, and it means so much to me that you acknowledged that. Along that note, if you know a woman who is adopting and is waiting, would you wish her a Happy Mother's Day today? I promise that with those words you will bless her soul and fill her heart more than you could ever know.  

Our pastor does a fantastic thing on Mother's Day each year. I guess it has become a tradition in a lot of churches to have the mothers stand and be recognized on Mother's Day. Pastor David has put a different spin on it. He asks all of the women in the church to stand, and then he encourages the men in the room to "honor them." Once we are all standing, the men break out into the loudest cheering, applauding, whooping, hollering and, in the case of my dear husband, cow-calling ever heard inside a church building. By the end of it, most of the women are smiling and trying very hard not to give in to bashful laughing. This is always followed by a time of prayer for all of the women in our faith family. He does this to show honor to women (and their work in God's kingdom) in all walks of life. As someone for whom Mother's Day can be a bit difficult, I appreciate this so much. 

Our sermon this morning was out of Proverbs 31, a passage which highlights Biblical Womanhood. I want to finish up by sharing the passage with you. It is meant to be an encouragement to women. As we face so much pressure from the world to be a certain way, look a certain way, act a certain way, let this picture of an honorable woman settle on you and remind you that what the Lord desires for us is far beyond what the world asks of us. I hope and pray that this blesses you today.  

A wife of noble character who can find?

    She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

    and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

    and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

    bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still night;

    she provides food for her family

    and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

    her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

    and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor

    and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;

    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

    and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come. 

She speaks with wisdom,

    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

    her husband also, and he praises her:

 “Many women do noble things,

    but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Proverbs 31:10-31

Love, 

Baylor 

The Circle Maker, Part 8 : Being Persistent (Chapter 8)

We are in chapter 8 of The Circle Maker today, and this chapter focuses on something I have been having a tough time with here lately: Persistence. I know persistence is the key to accomplishing most things, but if I am totally honest with you (which I really want to be), then I have to say that I am just plain tired. It is HARD to pray for the same thing for a really long time and feel like little progress is being made. Obviously, this is why the Lord has me in this chapter right now; He is trying to teach me something. Let's see what it is.

Batterson opens this chapter talking about how Japanese students tend to score higher than American students on standardized math tests (not my favorite thing, though appropriate as my students are taking our state's standardized math tests today and tomorrow). He talked about a comparative study done between Japanese students and American students which focused more on effort than actual ability. The goal of the study was to see whether persistence had anything to do with higher success rates. First grade students were given a puzzle to solve, and the study found that American students averaged giving up after 9.47 minutes, while the Japanese students keep trying until an average time of 13.93 minutes. About 40% longer. He mentions a similar study with violinists. His point is that our persistence at a certain thing has a direct correlation to our success at that thing.

"[Prayer} is a habit to be cultivated." 

It is an interesting concept. I don't think I have ever really thought about "cultivating" my prayer life. I have mostly just thought of it as something I do. But the idea of working at it to improve, to find success in it is intriguing to me.

In talking about the importance of persistence in prayer, Batterson turns to Elijah. Elijah was praying Israel out of a three year drought, and as he prayed, he would tell his servant to look out to the sea for a sign of rain.

"So Elijah climbed to the top of Mount Carmel, fell on his face and prayed for rain. Six times he told his servant to look out to the sea, but there was no sign of rain. And this is when most of us give up. We stop praying because we can't see any tangible difference with our natural eyes. We allow our circumstances to get between God and us instead of putting God between us and our circumstances."

That leapt off the page and slapped me right in the face.

I do this ALL the time. I feel like I have been praying for the same thing forever, and it feels like nothing is changing. So what do I do? I give up!

I stop praying because "it's not working."

How ridiculous. How embarrassing to even be able to write that.

But Elijah stuck with it, and the rain came.

Oh, how that speaks to my soul. My rain is becoming a mother. And I will be honest, there are a lot of days when I feel like it is just never going to happen. I am years into wanting this, and there are days when I feel no closer to having children in my home. It makes me want to give up. But we see time and again in God's Word that we must be persistent.

I am working on this in my own life. Committing myself to prayer each day and spending time in God's Word. I am praying that God will help me be persistent in my praying! How clear is the weakness of mankind in that one statement alone! But God can do it, and I believe He will do it. I believe He will strengthen my prayer life and help me to be persistent so that He can watch me bask in the joy of all of His kept promises.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

"He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it."
I Thessalonians 5:24

Love,
Baylor

Melkam Fasika!

If my Googling serves my correctly, today is Easter Sunday in Ethiopia! That means that fellow believers in the country where my children will be born have spent the day celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ! I wanted to get an idea of what Easter looks like in Ethiopia, so I did a quick Google Images search, and here is some of what I found.

 Dressed in white and walking to church

 Beautiful children in their Easter clothes

 Inside a church celebrating our Risen King. 

Seriously, though, how incredible does that look? 

Praying before a cross. 

A large percent of Ethiopia's population is Muslim, but it is amazing to know that there are active churches in Ethiopia, too, which means that truth of the Gospel is being shared. As we look ahead to Mother's Day next week, I have been thinking a lot about the birth mother of our sweet children. Finding these pictures has given me new hope that maybe she has at least heard the Good News of the Gospel. I plan to spend some special time in prayer for her this week, as I cannot imagine the choice she will have to make in order for me to become a mom. I hope to be able to meet her one day to express my deep gratitude for her and her sacrifice. 

But for today, I am hoping that she hears the Gospel with open ears and an open heart. And I am hoping the same for you if you do not yet know the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I pray that you will open your eyes and your heart to Him and accept the gracious gift He has given us in sacrificing His own life in our place. We deserved to die that death and be separated from God for all eternity. But God loved us enough to provide another way, a way for us to be reunited with Him for all eternity. He loves you, yes you, that much. 

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this; that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

Romans 5:8

Love, 

Baylor 

Loving the Number 57

We are still celebrating yesterday's movement around here. Yay for being #57! While I was thanking God last night for His faithfulness to us through this long and difficult process, I started wondering what Psalm 57 might have to say. So I checked it out...

Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, 

for in you I take refuge.


I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings 
until the disaster has passed.

I cry out to God Most High, to God, who vindicates me.

He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me—

God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

I am in the midst of lions;


I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—


men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; 
let your glory be over all the earth.

They spread a net for my feet—

I was bowed down in distress.


They dug a pit in my path—

but they have fallen into it themselves.

My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; 

I will sing and make music.

Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn.

I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; 

I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;


your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalm 57

Sometimes the numbers just line up, don't they? 

So much of this chapter of Scripture speaks to my heart and to where we are on this journey right now. God is showing us such mercy as we take cover in the shadow of His wing. And when we cry out to Him, He sends us His love and faithfulness. This has been evident time and again in our lives, and each time my faith is renewed and strengthened and I learn to trust God more and more. My heart is steadfast in Him and Him alone. He is the one who keeps me from falling. His love truly reaches to the heavens, and His faithfulness stretches beyond the skies. It is my hope and prayer that He will be exalted in all of this, that His great name will be glorified in all the earth. 

Love, 

Baylor 

Waiting List Number : May 2013

I cannot believe that it is already May 1st! That means summer is near! And in this house, it also means that it is time for our monthly wait list update. I have to preface this post by saying that April was an incredibly difficult month. And by that I mean that the adoption world fell silent for us. We hear NOTHING about any referrals for the entire month. Until yesterday, when we heard about one. So I had been gearing myself up for this to be the month we did not move at all. I had been praying that God would prepare my heart, that I would not rebel against Him as a result of my circumstances. But, as He always does, He showed up in a way I did not expect. He did more than I thought possible.

So, here it goes...

Good bye 60s!! We are #57!

Daisy is relieved! 

I don't think she could have handled another month in the 60s! 

I know that three spots might not seem earth-shattering, but you have to remember that I was expecting to be at #60 for another month. So, to me, 57 is a HUGE blessing.

Every single step of this adoption path is stretching me, testing my faith, refining me. And it is not always pleasant; in fact, it is usually quite unpleasant. But I am starting to see so much good come out of this. God is revealing parts of Himself to me, and as I learn more about Him, I come to love and trust Him more; I am able to worship Him more fully. Trials and difficulties, I think, can result in one of two things.

1. We can shut down and miss what God has for us. I think sometimes this seems like the better option because it feel easier at the time. In reality, this is never the right choice, because we end up missing out on what God has for us.

2. We can turn to God and trust in His goodness. This one almost always seems like the harder choice. Probably because it involves taking a step (or a dozen steps) in faith. We are trusting a God we can't see sitting in front of us. But when we choose this option, God shows us His character, and we end up knowing Him better and becoming more like Christ.

I recently came across a Rick Warren quote on Pinterest. I have actually never read his book, The Purpose Driven Life, but what he said here really resonated with me. Here it is:

"Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days--when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you're out of options, when the pain is great--and you turn to God alone."

Ummmm. Amen.

This month was a dark time for me. But I feel like I am growing and knowing the Lord more as a result. And as my husband reminded me last night, if we come out of this knowing God more, being able to minister to other's in His name more, being able to point people to Him more, then all of this is worth it.

Thank you for praying alongside us. We love, appreciate and need you! Please keep praying for us; we are hoping that the month of May will bring the gush of referrals we have been waiting for!

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."
Psalm 71:14

Love,
Baylor

I Thought I was Prepared

So sometimes we make grand plans and things don't go exactly the way we thought they would...

This weekend was one of those times.

A couple of months ago, I signed up to run in the Country Music Half Marathon in Nashville, Tennessee. Some of our small group friends were doing it and said it would be fun, so I hopped onboard. Then my little sis decided to come up and run it with me. Then my awesome dad decided to do it, too! This would be a first for both of them, and it was the weekend of my daddy-o's 55th birthday. Yay! I had visions of us gracefully galloping the sunny streets of Nashville, being cheered on by massive crowds and crossing the finish line with victorious smiles on our faces.

Well... Things didn't go exactly according to my plan. We galloped (sometimes trotted and not so gracefully) through the streets of Nashville, and there were crowds of people cheering us on, and we crossed the finish line with victorious smiles on our faces.

BUT...

It POURED rain for the ENTIRE 13.1 miles of the race.

I am not talking a light mist, or even a steady drizzle. We ran for 13.1 miles through legit rain, like the kind you see in movies during a very dramatic scene where two characters are making a profound life choice (like Noah and Allie getting back from the swan sanctuary in The Notebook). It was insane.

Oh, and it was 50 degrees. So these here Floridians were a bit chilly. You have to understand, 50 degrees is the dead of winter to us. It involves parkas and fireplaces. Not exaggerating.

Not exactly what we were anticipating.

Still, it was an incredible experience. Brookie and I stayed together for the entire run, and I must say that it was awesome to cross the finish line right next to my baby sis. Plus, our amazing mom was waiting for us right at the finish line with a big smile and lots of fist pumping even though the skies were pouring and the wind was howling. Daddy-O came across shortly after, and completed his first half marathon two days before his 55th birthday!

Let me show you some pictures, and then let me tell you what I learned.

Race bibs picked up and ready to go! 

Our goals for race day! 

Prepping the night before

Right before we started. It was SO cold, and a sweet woman was walking around with a box of trash bags, offering them to the runners to stay warm while waiting to start. Dear garbage bag lady, I don't know who you are, but I love you!

Minus the trash bags for just a minute! You will notice the colors of the Ethiopian flag! Hopefully next year I will be pushing a stroller through the streets of Nashville! One more awesome thing. We ended up being able to start in the same corral as our friends who were also running the race. Big shout out to Bob, LC and Steven! You guys are awesome! Especially LC, who totally rocked her first half marathon! 

Just crossed the finish line! 

 Back in Birmingham and out to dinner to celebrate...

This guy's birthday! Happy Birthday to the best dad to ever walk the face of the earth!

Now you know that the Lord would not let me endure something like that without teaching me something. So here it is...

Sometimes we set out on a journey knowing that it will be really difficult. We anticipate that the journey will test us and stretch us. So we prepare for that. And then we get going, and once we are going we find out that we were not really expecting all of the obstacles that the journey actually brings. It is harder than we thought it would be. It doesn't go the way we thought it would, or even the way we believe it should.

And then we have a choice.

We can quit. We can give up and say, "This is not what I signed on for. I was ready for difficult, for challenging, but this is too much. It is more than I can do." Or, we can push through. We can keep the end in mind and keep putting one foot in front of the other until we get through it.

I was ready to run a half marathon yesterday. I was ready for the distance. I was ready for the hills. But I was not ready for the pouring rain. Until yesterday, I had NEVER run in the rain. Not once. If it is raining here in Birmingham, I make it a cross training day and ride our stationary bike instead. So I was not prepared. The rain was an unforeseen obstacle. And I will be honest with you, when I walked out of our hotel at 5:15 on Saturday morning into black skies and rain, there was a great big part of me that wanted to hop back in the elevator and go back to sleep.

But I had committed to this race. I had decided to do this thing. And so I knew I had to do it.

I was ready to wait for our child in Ethiopia. I was ready for challenges. For difficulties. But I was not ready for what February, March and April have brought. Almost no movement. To my knowledge, no referrals in April at all. I was not ready for that. I was not ready to face the reality that 2013 might come and go and we will still not have our child home with us. I was not ready. Not prepared.

But that has become our reality.

And now I have a choice.

I can choose to walk away. Some days that is a tempting option. This is so HARD. I don't have adequate words to explain it to you. I wish I did. My inner-English teacher is failing at this. There are days when I tell myself, tell my husband, tell God that I simply cannot go on, that I have to stop. There are days when I am so unbelievably exhausted or sad or confused. So I could choose to walk away.

Or I can choose to run this course that God has mapped out for me. I can choose to do what He has asked us to do with our lives, even when it feels impossible. And maybe that is the point. When something looks impossible to man and then it happens, God alone gets the glory. So perhaps that is the purpose here. And that is why I am making my choice.

I choose to stay the course. I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this road to our adoption until the Lord tells me I have reached the finish line. I choose to trust Him and Him alone, because nothing else makes sense. I choose to believe Him when He tells me that He is good and that He is working things together for my good. I choose to believe that every little bit of this pain and hurt will be absolutely worth it. I choose to put my trust in God the Most High, because I know that His mighty hand is over all things.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
James 1:2-3

Love,
Baylor

P.S. Adam usually proofs my posts for me before I publish. He was smirking as he read this, because less than an hour ago I was sobbing on our bed about how we are never going to get our kids home and how this is all just too hard. He, as always, did an incredible job reminding me Who is actually in charge of our lives and that He has a purpose for us. So please don't think that I have it all together! You see, when I write these posts, I am reminding myself of the truth of God's Word just as much as I am telling you about it.

The Circle Maker Part 7 : Is There a Limit to God's Power + the Second Circle (Chapter 7)

After a bit of a respite, we are back in action with Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker, and today we find ourselves in chapter seven. In this chapter, Batterson poses a question that God actually poses to us.

"Is there a limit to My power?"

Even though we know that the right answer to that question is "No," we still sometimes live like we think the answer is "Yes." And that is a problem. The issue is that when we believe that our problems are just too big for God or that our sin was just too bad, then we are really (though we might not ever admit it) saying that God is just not strong enough, powerful enough, big enough to deal with whatever we are bringing to the table. I think this is something most of us struggle with to some degree. I know we certainly do here in the Knott household. Adam and I have had this discussion on numerous occasions, and it ALWAYS ends with one of us reminding the other that when we doubt whether God can handle our problems, we are actually doubting His power. And when we doubt whether God can forgive or has forgiven our sins, we are questioning the power of the Cross. Not good either way.

So this is what Batterson is drawing our attention to in this chapter.

"God is omnipotent, which means by definition, there is nothing God cannot do. Yet many of us pray as if our problems are bigger than God. So let me remind you of this high-octane truth that should fuel your faith: God is infinitely bigger than your biggest problem or biggest dream. And while we're on the topic, His grace is infinitely bigger than your biggest sin."

I have talked before about our need, as humankind, for a high view of God. It is something that our pastor addresses a lot. He often quotes A.W. Tozer, and Batterson references him, as well, in this chapter. Tozer asserts that a having a high view of God is the solution to a thousand temporal problems.

We have to believe that God is able. While I say that, I must also say that it is important to note the difference between CAN and WILL. God absolutely CAN do anything and everything. But we do not always know if He WILL. Now, we might think that He should, but He alone knows what the future holds for each of us, and that makes Him very uniquely qualified to decide what is best for us. For example, if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I am ready to have my sweet babies home from Ethiopia yesterday. But that has not happened. You might know that I prayed specifically for a May 2013 referral. Well, May 2013 is peeking its head around the corner, and we are not exactly at the top of the list. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I am not disappointed. I am. I am sad that we are still so far away from having our sweet ones home. But am I upset that I prayed about it? No. Does this make me doubt God's ability? Not at all. I know that a May 2013 referral could still happen. I know God CAN do it. But I do not know if He WILL do it.

Still, even in the midst of that I know that whatever He chooses to do will be what is best. That does not mean that I get a free pass to stop praying. There are days when it is hard. Days when I adopt the, "Well, He is just going to do what He is going to do, so why bother praying about it!" attitude. Not a healthy choice and certainly not my more graceful moments. As a true believer in the power of God, I must continue to pray and trust.

You might remember that the first circle in The Circle Maker was Dream Big. In chapter seven, Batteron introduces the second circle: Pray Hard. He opens with the story of the persistent widow. In case you are not familiar with the story, here it is:

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’ 

 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think,  yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:1-8

Jesus used this parable to show His disciples the importance of praying hard for something. This is a difficult thing. I will be the first to confess that I have grown weary in the wait here lately, and a part of me has given in to the "what happens, happens" attitude. I need to let go of that. So my reading of this chapter was providentially timed. 

Batterson also reminds us that the Spirit is constantly interceding for us. What an incredibly humbling thought. The Holy Spirit is praying to God the Father on my behalf. And yet there are days when I cannot bring myself to pray. Oh how I recognize my sin in these moments. But my gracious God is using these moments to refine me, to turn me into the woman, the wife, the mother He desires me to be. 

I want to leave you with one final thought from the very end of chapter seven. 

"God isn't just for you in some passive sense; God is for you in the most active sense imaginable. The Holy Spirit is praying hard for you, and supernatural synchronicities begin to happen when we tag-team with God and do the same."

This jumped off the page (OK, screen of my Kindle) and hit me in the chest. God is on my side. He loves me, wants what is best for me, and is working my life in that direction. He is not just some generally good God floating up in the clouds. No, no, no. He is a personal God. A God who works His way into your heart and mind and soul. A God who sticks by you regardless of how many times you fail. And this same God is the One who is for you. He is FOR you. 

Questions to consider: 

1. How do you view God's power? Sufficient? Barely enough? All-consuming? 

2. What are your feelings about prayer? 

3. How does your view of God's power impact the way you pray? 

4. What might need to change about how you view God? 

5. What is the thing you have been praying for? Do you truly believe that God is able to do it? Can you trust Him to do what is best, even if it is not what you want? (This is a tough one!!) 

Love, 

Baylor