I have to admit that things are not going exactly the way I thought they would (see previous post). I always thought we would have biological children and then expand our family through adoption. And, who knows? That may still be the plan, but right now it looks like our first child will be a sweet beautiful baby from Ethiopia. It is difficult to explain how that makes me feel. I am thrilled that God has called us to adoption-we, ourselves are adopted (Ephesians 1:3-6) and it is an honor to be called to adopt orphans-like we once were-into our family. So while I am over the moon to be getting the adoption wheels rolling, my heart is snagged on a tough thought: What if we are never able to have biological children? If I am completely honest, the thought terrifies me. You see, the desire to adopt children and the desire to bear children are equally powerful within my heart. The thought of losing either one fills my heart with more sadness than I can explain. And it is there, in the center of that sadness, that I think God is going to do a mighty work in my heart and in our lives.
It has been my experience, especially lately, that God gets us to the point where we feel like there is no earthly hope, and then He kicks down the door of impossibility and triumphs over it. The incredible part is that the things which seem so impossible to us are a piece of cake for Him. He does not have to figure out a way to solve our problems. He is the solution! This is the God we serve, the God Who is worthy of all our praise. He is sovereign over everything that exists. There is not a drop of rain that falls to the earth without his knowledge and permission. And so, surely, the same God Who manages the winds and the tides and the rotation of the earth, that same God is able (and willing) to manage our tiny little lives.
So it is here that we must walk by faith and not by sight. It is here that when fear and doubt assail us we stand firm, not because we are strong-for, in fact, we are weak vessels-but because we know Whom we serve. I have to realize that it is not about my plans or what I thought would be best. Who am I? Not the Creator of the universe...that's for sure! God's plans are infinitely better than mine. His are perfect; mine are not. When I look back at my life, I am horrified to think what might have happened if we had followed my plan instead of God's.
For this reason only, I am resolving-through MUCH prayer-to move forward, fully trusting in our great God. Unfortunately, resolutions like this are always followed by Satan's attacks, so I know I will need to be prayerful and watchful. My prayer is that God would remind me, remind us, that there is no reason to fear; He already knows exactly how many children we will have, what their names will be, what their personalities will be like. So, hopefully, there will be no more wallowing around covered by a cloud of self-pity for me. Hopefully, prayerfully, God will give me (us) the strength and courage to walk with blind faith, knowing that the One Who is leading me is infinitely and only good.
And so today is a day of celebration for us. We are one step closer to meeting one of our precious children! Praise to the Lord!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1