We received our monthly waiting list update on Friday. Not the news we were hoping for. We moved a little, but barely. We seem to be, quite literally, inching our way forward these days.
I will say, though, that I did not have the same hysterical reaction I did a few months ago when we received the same news. That can be attributed to the grace of God alone. While I was in Rwanda in July, He did some serious work on my heart, and much of that has result in a renewed trust in God and in His goodness. I do hope that I can hang on to that for a long, long time.
Don't hear me saying that it wasn't hard to read that email. It was. It always is. I remember when the first each month used to bring me such excitement and joy. Would we move 7 spots? 8? 15? In recent months, it has been a relief to move even one spot. And that reality is a hard one. Our desire to be parents has not diminished. Not at all. It gets stronger and stronger as every single day passes, as we watch people we know and love cross into that phase of life and we remain rooted in the same spot. Dying to move but unable.
Still, in all of this I know that God is at work. He is creating something beautiful in our life and in the lives of our children. He is writing this story of parents who were willing to endure what seemed unimaginable to them to bring their children home. This story tells of battles and struggles now, but ultimately it will tell of joy. Ultimately, it will tell our children that they are on purpose, they are intentional. They did not just happen upon us or we upon them. They were not an accident or something that fell into our laps. They were loved cherished and fought for before they were ever born. And I hope and pray and beg God to let that truth settle deeply into their hearts.
So we will continue to stand where God has asked us to stand. Not because we are particularly strong or valiant; we aren't. Not because it is easy or because it is what we would have picked for ourselves, but because He has asked us to stand here and fight for them. And because of our great love for Him and for them, we will.