The Questions

So we leave this week {THIS WEEK} to go to Ethiopia and meet our son {OUR SON} for the very first time. Ummmm.... Is this real? Over the last couple of weeks I have started to make preparations: laying out clothes, making sure we have the right documents, finding our passports, hugging Daisy a lot, sitting in Bradley's room staring at the wall, crying. You know. The essentials.

And as we have drawn ever closer to our travel date, I have been getting some questions:

-How are you feeling?
-What are you thinking?
-Can you believe it?
-Are you ready?
-Are you packed?
-What are you most excited about?
-What are you most scared of?

All very legitimate questions. So I thought I would try to take some time to answer them here.

1. How are you feeling?

(photo source)

You with me? This is one of those times when I feel so overwhelmed that the best course of action seems to be to sit down and read a book. A whole one. In one day. Like I did yesterday. 

2. What are you thinking? 

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Right? 

There are just so many things to think about. Logistical things. Emotional things. Spiritual things. Physical things. Legal things. Safety things. Tear your heart out things. It's finally happening things. Swept away by joy things. Mom things. Will he like me things. 

TOO. MANY. THINGS. 

3. Can you believe it? 

(photo credit)

I really can't. Really. I have wanted to be a mom for so long. Years. Lots of them. And it is finally happening. In a few days we will fly to the other side of the world and meet a boy who has held our hearts for years. And he doesn't even know it. We have prayed for him, cried for him, hoped for him, fought for him. And he has no idea who we are. We have filled out every form under the sun, proved to two governments on two different continents that we are fit to be parents. We have waited and waited and waited. And now, we get to hold our boy. We get to go to court, stand before a judge, and say "Yes. We choose him. We understand all that this means and we know it can never be undone. Yes. We want him. We will want him forever." 

No, I can't believe it. 

4. Are you ready? 

Yes. 

5. Are you packed? 

(photo source) 

Ummmm...No. Soon though, I think! Packing has taken over the guest room with outfits laid out together, snacks for the flight and travel sized everything. 

My goal is to be packed before we leave for the airport. 

I feel good about it. 

6. What are you most excited about?

All of it. But two things more than the others. First, I cannot wait to hold my son {MY SON}. My arms and heart have ached for so long because this piece has been missing. And in less than a week, I will know what it is like to hold my own child. I can't believe it's real. Secondly, I am so excited for court. Once we do that, our adoption decree is issued, and it is FINAL. He is legally ours. On paper. Done. 

Also, at that point I can finally share his beautiful face with all of YOU! 

7. What are you most scared of? 

This is a tough question, but also a REALLY good one. Again, there are two things. First, I'm afraid that Bradley might not like me. I know that sounds super lame. He's a baby. BUT I have FALLEN IN LOVE with this boy, and (as I mentioned before) he does not know who I am. So that makes me nervous. The second thing is the big one. I am terrified of leaving him. The idea alone if ripping me apart. I cannot imagine meeting my son and then having to leave him, even just for a few weeks. I am praying that by some miracle, I will not have to. That I will be allowed to stay and spend time with my boy, but I just don't know. So if you feel like praying and want to add that to your list, I would be most grateful. 

So those are the questions I have been getting lately! Some silly and some pretty serious, but all good ones! Do you have any others? I'd love to answer them. But for now, I need to get back to wrangling our suitcases.

Much love,
Baylor 

Becoming a Bold Pray-er

If you are at all like me, then there might be times in your life when you are afraid to pray. It sounds ridiculous, but I found myself feeling that way more than once on this journey to our son. You see, I had begged God to make me a mother for so long -- years-- and it didn't appear to be happening. 

The result, for me for awhile, was a severely weakened prayer life. 

I knew that God was hearing me, but I didn't see anything happening. So over the course of months and then years, my prayers became quieter. More timid. Weaker. Sometimes they were barely whispers. 

I reasoned with myself that if I wasn't really asking for anything major, then I wouldn't be disappointed when nothing major happened. Oh, how I cringe when typing that truth for you all to see. But, if my thinking is right, then maybe you, too, have felt this way at some point. You may feel that it is somehow safer to pray wimpy little prayers that don't really require God to demonstrate His mighty power.

Well, I want to encourage you (as a rehabilitated prayer wimp myself) to let that go. I beg you to let it go. 

We serve a great, BIG, mighty God. He designed and created the entire universe. He holds planets in orbit and still has time to paint the flowers. All of these details, literally EVERYTHING WE SEE, are resting in the palm of His righteous hand. And this very same God is holding you and me. More than that, He actually knows us. Knows the desires and longings of our hearts. Knows when we hurt and when we triumph. But most importantly, He knows what is the very best for us AND HE WANTS THE VERY BEST FOR US. 

The problem is that sometimes my best and God's best are not the same (NOTE: His best is always better than mine). So when my prayers aren't being answered in the way I feel they should be, I like to throw a little pity party or maybe a temper tantrum. I'm too quick to feel ignored, forgotten or left behind. I'm too quick to forget that the Lord can see so much more than I will ever be able to and that He alone is WORTHY of my trust. 

I look at our journey to Bradley, and there is a part of me that wants to shout: COULDN'T THIS HAVE GONE A LITTLE FASTER, LORD? I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SWEET CHILD FOR MORE THAN THREE YEARS! 

Very gracious, no?

That part of me is inclined to feel angry, frustrated and impatient with what God is doing in my life. But then I look at who I am now compared to who I was when we started down this road. And as I look back down the path, I see that the Lord has used this incredible this called adoption to help me see Him more clearly than I ever have. 

He took away every other support I could have managed to prop myself up on till only He remained. And for a good, long while I retreated into that prayer wimpy-ness. I didn't want to be hurt by another "No" from God. 

But little by little, bit by bit, the Lord restored my faith, my trust in Him, my {now} rock solid belief that He is exactly who He says He is. Through that, I have come to learn that I can ask BIG things of my BIG God. He can handle it. In fact, I rather think He delights in it when we ask for something enormous. Why? IT SHOWS THAT WE BELIEVE HE CAN DO IT. 

What better demonstration of trust in someone than to ask that person for help? When I am carrying something that is too heavy for me and I start to lose my grip, I call out to Adam and beg him to get his rear end over here and help me. Why do I do that? He is physically FAR more powerful than I am. I trust in his ability to carry something that is too heavy for me. When I would type emails to parents and I wanted to make sure my words and tone were right, I would ask Anne Carter, the other English teacher on the hall. Why? I trust her ability to advise me. 

So when I have a problem that is far to big for me, doesn't it stand to reason that I should go the the One who is INFINITELY more powerful and more able than I could ever be? Not only that, but I also know that He loves me and will do what is best for me. 

This newfound prayer boldness does come with a catch, though. Bold praying does not guarantee the result you want. Not at all. But when we absolutely trust the One we are asking, we can rest confidently that a "No" is just the placeholder for a bigger and better "Yes." God is not out to crush us or string us along with false hope. He LONGS to be gracious to us, but He also knows more than we do. And so we have to trust that His answers, whatever they may be, are coming from a place of love. 

And ask others to pray with you and for you. I could not count the number of people who have prayed for us at different points along this road. Our families, our small group, spiritual mentors, friends. The list could go on forever. Be bold in asking people to surround you with prayer. I have seen the most amazing things happen when I have been brave enough to really put our needs out there and specifically ask for prayer. Look HERE to see what I mean. It's really quite unbelievable. 

So I want to encourage you to press in and press on if you are praying through something tough. Hang in there and stay faithful. God is not ignoring you. He has not abandoned you. He is working all things together for your good. Seek His face and you will find Him. 

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him."

Matthew 7:7-11

Love, 

Baylor 

Do You Want to Go to Africa?

About a year ago, Beth Moore did a promotion on several of her books where you could download them for free if you had a Kindle. It was like 8-10 books. Ummm...yes, please. So I downloaded them all and then proceeded to let them sit, unread, on my Kindle. Being a middle school English teacher doesn't leave a ton of time for leisure reading. But yesterday, I decided to start one of them.

Believing God.

She writes about the difference between believing in God (merely that He does exist) and actually believing God (that He is who He says He is). In the first few chapters she tells the reader that she has prayed something very specific for those who read the book. She has prayed that God would do something miraculous in the lives of the readers early on in their journey with the text to remind the reader of God's might and that He is exactly who He says He is.

I read that yesterday. The same day that we set aside each month (the 19th) to pray specifically for Bradley all day long. And I had been pleading with God. Begging Him to do a mighty work so that we could meet our boy soon.

Those same prayers kept me from easily drifting off to sleep last night and kept me in bed longer than usual this morning.

And while I was still laying there (scrolling through #textswithmymom on Instagram, in case you need a good laugh), my phone rang.

It was Lesley, our case manager. I sat bolt upright in bed.

Me: "Hello?"

Lesley: "Hi, Baylor. How are you?"

Me: "I think that depends on what you are about to say to me."

Lesley: "Do you want to go to Africa?"

Me (through lots of tears): "I really, really do!"

So guess what, people?

WE ARE GOING TO ETHIOPIA TO MEET OUR SON!

The call came at 9 this morning, and I am still shaking.

Oh, but for God's goodness and grace! I posted YESTERDAY asking you to pray. God brought me to a book that I had at my fingertips for more than a year YESTERDAY. We prayed for Bradley all day YESTERDAY.

Oh, my heart. How big and how great our God is.

Adam, of course, was at work, and I was not about to break this news over the phone. So with VERY shaky hands, I attempted to iron a shirt and put on some eyeliner (I'm not looking my best) to drive to the hospital to tell him.

And, as the Lord would have it, several of his wonderful co-workers were back in the offices, and he was not. So I quickly explained what was going on, and they paged him back and hid around the office with cameras.

And then... This...

So we are leaving for Ethiopia in three weeks. And we will finally get to hold the boy we have been praying for for more than three years.

My heart is full.

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 

'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' 

and does not doubt in their heart, 

but believes that what they say will happen, 

it will be done for them." 

Mark 11:23 

Love, 

Baylor 

Ten

Today is a hard day. This whole past week has actually been rough, but today especially. Bradley is ten months old today. That is ten months of his sweet life that we will never get back. Ten months that he has spent away from his family.

We have been his parents for six of those ten months, and sometimes (like today) it feels like we will always be parenting from afar.

Right now, we are waiting for an approval letter from MOWCYA (the branch of Ethiopia's federal government that deals with adoption/orphan care). Once we receive this letter, we will be issued a travel date four our court appearance. So much of my heart is so heavy and frustrated with all of this. We just want to be with our son, and while we are so close, it feels so far away.

I know I have been doing this a lot lately, but I am going to ask you to pray for us and for our son again. And I am going to ask you to pray for us today.

-Please pray that we will receive our MOWCYA today and our travel approval by the end of the week.

-Please pray that we travel in mid June so that Bradley can be home by his first birthday, in two months.

This is a big prayer. It is a bold one. But God is big and He asks us to bring Him our bold requests. So I am asking you to join with us in praying today, the day that our son turns ten months old, that he will be with his family soon.

Love,
Baylor

Are You a Mom?

My mom and I spent last week in Haiti with Compassion International. It was an incredible week that completely overwhelmed me in so many ways. I want to take some time later this week to write through some of what we saw and experienced while we were there. But today I am want to talk about Mother's Day. You may have noticed that my little space on the internet was quiet on that day. I can attribute that to a couple of things. First, I was flying back to Birmingham from Florida that day and was quite engrossed in a good book. Secondly, (and maybe more importantly) I really didn't know how to feel about Mother's Day this year.

For the last several years, Mother's Day has been a really tough day for me. So much so that Adam and I decided to pretty much ignore that it was actually happening. Last year, he went over and above what any normal husband would do to take my mind far away from Mother's Day. But this year was different, and I came face to face with that difference in the Fort Lauderdale airport on Sunday morning while waiting in line at Starbucks.

The woman behind me struck up a conversation about needing her caffeine, and then we chatted about where we were going and why we had been in Florida. And then she said it.

"Happy Mother's Day if you're a mom. Are you a mom?"

I froze a little bit. Am I? When I look at Bradley's picture, I certainly feel like he is my son. I can so easily imagine him here in this house, riding with me in the car, playing with Daisy on the family room rug. I love him like he's my son. I don't think I could love him any more than I do right now. There is a document in Ethiopia that lists my last name as his.

"Yes. Yes, I am. This is actually my first Mother's Day."

She congratulated me, and then it was my turn to place my order.

It was a brief interaction, but it left me thinking for the rest of the day. I had come upon Mother's Day this year with a strange feeling of uncertainty. On the one hand, I have a son. That means I am a mom. But I have never met him, never held him, never comforted him. That makes this Mother's Day hard in a different way. To love someone so much and not be able to see him. That is a new brand of difficult.

But I tried to spend Sunday focused on hope, believing that our boy will be home soon and that this will be my very last empty-armed Mother's Day.

I love you, Bradley, and I am so, so happy that you are the one who made me a mom.

The Gospel Comes Near

There were so many wonderful things to be learned and taken in at the CAFO summit last week. So many, in fact, that there came a point when my brain went into overload and became incapable of processing any more information. I want to try to work through some of these things, and I want to start in a place that I believe is not only at the heart of adoption but at the heart of Christianity.

The Gospel comes near.

Jed Medefind, president of CAFO, said this during his message on Thursday morning, and it has been bouncing around in my head ever since.

It is so simple. So true.

So easy to overlook.

There is this human tendency that I believe we all possess. It is a drive that whispers and tells us to stay away from the hard things. To surround ourselves with people who believe what we believe, do what we do, think what we think. To keep the "others" at arm's length so that we won't be challenged to change anything about ourselves or our lives. Human nature tells us to sit back and stay where it is comfortable.

Jesus says the opposite.

Jesus calls us to  hard places, broken places, even dangerous places. And He calls us there, not because He longs to see us suffer, but because He longs for His name to be made known to ALL people. Not just the people no seem to have it together or the people who have ready access to the Bible or the people who fit into a certain mold, a mold that looks suspiciously like us. No. The Gospel is for all mankind, and in order to get the Gospel to all mankind, we have to be willing to get near all kinds of men.

The Gospel comes near.

Sure, it may make us uncomfortable. It may result in some awkward moments and strained relationships. But aren't we thankful that someone took that risk with us? Thankful that someone loved us enough to set the potential for hurt feelings aside long enough to share the most important thing in the world?

I submit that the same is true for Christians seeking to live out a James 1:27 kind of life. God commands us to care for the fatherless, and that is just simply not something we can do from a distance. It is not enough to be aware, to raise awareness. We must actually act. We must draw near, be in the trenches, committed to doing whatever it takes.

Because the cause is worth it.

Every single child on the face of the earth deserves a family. It is not something that should have to be earned or begged for.

So we have an important question to ask ourselves.

Do we believe this? Not just enough to acknowledge it as truth, but enough to be spurred into action and do something? Do we believe it in a such a way as to act as though it was OUR child in need of a family?

Because if we do, then sitting by and acknowledging the need is not enough. Just as Christ was compelled to leave His Father's side to redeem us unto Himself, so to just we be moved to action.

Maybe that means adoption. Maybe it means foster care. Maybe it means serving as a mentor or supporting family advocacy groups around the world.

Whatever it is, it is caring for those God has in His heart.

It will be difficult. It will be messy. Guaranteed.

But the Gospel draws near.

You will run the risk of being hurt or feeling rejected. But so did He.

And so we must share the Gospel with conviction. We must care for the fatherless with love. And we must trust that God will use us as His instruments to reach the ends of the earth for His name's sake, for His glory.

This is no easy charge. I struggle with it ALL.THE.TIME. But God demands real and radical sacrifice. And He is worthy of it. His banner over us is love, and His cause is salvation. There is nothing greater.

So I challenge you as I challenge myself. To reach out beyond the circle of those who mirror us and into the places where God's name is not yet revered. To take a risk and ask the Lord how we can practically love the fatherless and then listen and ACT when He responds. We are His church, and this is our calling.

Lots Going On

All of a sudden there is a lot of stuff going on in my life. First, you and all of your bold prayers last week, resulting in AWESOME news from Ethiopia! Then, I went to the Christian Alliance for Orphans summit in Nashville for two days this past week. And now I am sitting in an airport waiting to fly to Haiti with Compassion International for this coming week. Whew! 

That's a lot! 

I'm working on sorting through everything I took in at CAFO last week and gearing up for what the Lord already has in store for this week in Haiti. 

But I also wanted to share that we have our preliminary court hearing THIS WEEK. That means we are about to be one step closer to having Bradley in our anxious arms. So I want to invite you to pray with us again at 9:30 CST tonight. We are joining with other families from our agency I praying for Ethiopia, adoption, government officials and processes and, of course, our kids. Here is what I will be praying tonight:

-For Ethiopia, that God would continue to comfort those who lost loved ones to ISIS. 

-For government officials, that they would move with all imagined speed to process paperwork on behalf of these children. 

-For our son, that he would continue to grow and be healthy, that his caregivers would love him well in our place. 

-For our case, that our hearing would be completed without incident and that our MOWA (federal government) approval letter would be issued immediately so we can travel by the end of May. 

Thank you all so much for partnering with us on this long and difficult journey. We are so grateful for your faithfulness and love. 

More to come soon! 

Love, 

Baylor