It came. I prayed so hard against it for so long, but here it is.
Today marks one full year on the waiting list to bring our little one(s) home. Not one year since we started the process. One year since all of the paper chasing ended and our dossier landed in Ethiopia. One year sitting and waiting for a phone call telling us that we are finally parents.
I knew it was coming. I knew it was likely that September 17 of 2013 would come and go and that we would still be waiting. But it is a strange feeling. And I am not quite sure what to do with it.
On the one hand, I will wait as long as I have to in order to bring our children home from Ethiopia. There is no doubt about that in my mind. I have a love for these children that surpasses anything I could have ever imagined, and I have never even seen their faces. So I will wait.
On the other hand, I am so tired of waiting. So tired of wondering. So tired of offering up a "Someday" whenever someone asks if we have kids. So tired of wondering what it will be like to finally hold my own child. So tired of my heart aching.
And so today is a strange day for me. When we started out this whole process, I honestly never even considered us being here. I just knew we were going to be matched by May of this year, and I felt pretty certain that we would have our kids home before this year ended. But now we are facing the very large possibility that 2014 may arrive and we will still not know what our children look like. This is a difficult reality for me to face. I am praying against it with all I have. I am praying hard every single day that we see our children's faces by December 25th, that this would be the last time in our lives when we wonder if we will ever have children, what they will look like, if we will just be waiting forever and ever.
But I don't know if that is part of God's plan.
And so all I can do is the very thing I should always be doing.
All I can do is pray.
Pray for my children, that they are safe, fed and that they somehow know that I love them. Pray that God protects their little hearts and minds. Pray that they feel His embrace. Pray that He would let us see their beautiful faces soon.
Pray for my husband as he stands beside me during this seemingly impossible time. Pray for him as he strives to lead me through this wait. Pray a prayer of thanksgiving every single day that God saw fit to bless me with this man who never tells me I am being ridiculous or overly dramatic, but rather lets me cry and comforts me by reminding me Who is in charge.
Pray for my own heart as I try to seek God's face in the midst of this. Pray that I continue to turn to Him instead of giving in to despair. Pray that He reveals Himself to me and that I know Him more deeply as a result. Pray that this time, though so difficult, would not be wasted wallowing but would be used to point people to Jesus and share the message of His profound love with the world.
These are my prayers. Every day.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
1 Peter 5:6-7