So much change is on my horizon. And it's funny because for the last few years, my main *complaint* about my life is that nothing has changed. I was looking around at the lives of all of my friends and seeing how everything was transforming for them. I saw them become parents and the joy that brought to their lives. And that was completely missing for me.
Or so I thought.
It is true that my life, our life, had not undergone any real physical change. At least not in the way it is about to here soon.
But there was this other thing going on. This very intense, very painful, very personal but very real thing.
God was using the "sameness" of our circumstance to bring about a DRASTIC change in me as a person. And for some reason (very likely selfish pride), I was rejecting it. I was refusing to acknowledge what He was doing because doing so would mean that I would have to change who I was, change what I had decided I wanted out of life.
But now here we are, on the edge of such a deep life change, and I find myself feeling so thankful that God allowed all of that sameness I hated so much. I would not be ready for what is coming next without it. I would still be selfishly pursuing what I want our of life without pausing to ask God what He wants out of my life.
I have realized over the last three years that my life is not one dimensional, that there can be so much more to the legacy I leave than what my label is. Wife. Mom. Teacher. Writer. All of those things are beautiful and good and gifts from God. But those things are not what define me, and I don't want my whole legacy to be that I was a really good _____________. I want to make a mark on this world for the sake of Jesus Christ and His Kingdom. I want to matter. I want an extraordinary and significant life.
The idea of an extraordinary life is something we discuss a LOT at Fort Knott. Adam and I both want that for ourselves and for our family. I think most people do. The hard part about living an extraordinary life is that it usually requires sacrifice. Sometimes a deep and painful one. And I think that is where we hesitate. Right? Because we want significant. We want to be extraordinary. But we want it on our terms. We want it to look the way we think it should look. We want it to be easy, to not have to change anything to achieve it.
And extraordinary-ness (just invented a word!) is not cheap. It will cost us something.
It can be so hard to be willing to pay the price, too. Believe me. The Lord has asked something BIG of my life. He has asked me to walk away from what I thought my whole life would look like and the embrace the change that is the life He has always had for me.
The real question I was being asked was, "Do you trust me?"
I had these carefully laid plans that looked really good to me. Plans that would make me happy and give me what I want. But God said no. He asked me to walk away from the life I had imagined, and He did it without telling me what the end result would be. For a long time, I fought back. Oh, I went along with the new plan, but I never really let go of what I thought was best. God has used this incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching thing called adoption to change me in every way. I am not the same woman I was when we set out on this journey in April of 2012. And I feel like my feet are on the path to an extraordinary life, if I can just embrace the change that God has for me along the way.
I think so much about Peter here. I feel like he wanted so badly to be extraordinary, to make a Kingdom impact. And so often, he seemed to put the cart before the horse and end up with his foot in his mouth as a result. But then I look at him walking on water. Truly extraordinary. In order to do that, though, he had to make a sacrifice. He had to give up the safety of the boat. He had to, in a very real way, put his life on the line and in the hands of Jesus. BUT HE DID IT. He set aside his fears and what he knew to be physically, humanly possible, and he stepped out of the boat. He knew that he could not walk across the surface of the sea, but he also knew that Jesus was wholly and completely trustworthy. So he abandoned what he knew made sense and embraced what Jesus was about to do.
Just like Jesus, Peter walked on water. Through the power of Jesus, Peter did the impossible. But he had to be willing to let go.
Let's let go. Let's trust the God who created the whole universe to properly mange our lives. I'm not saying it is easy; I'm actually saying that it is really hard. But He can be trusted, and He is always only ever good.
I've experienced this in such a real way. My life does NOT look the way I thought it would. It looks better. Yes, it is has been so difficult. Still is. But I see so much good in it. I see God in it and in me. And those are things I WAS NOT SEEING three years ago. Three years ago, I was seeing me. Now I am seeing what God has for me. Far greater, far more beautiful.
Embrace the change.