If I am completely honest, which is hard in this particular case, what we have been going through over the last 3 + years has caused me to really question things I have never doubted about God. I have always known that God is real, that He is present, that He is loving, that He is good, that He is sovereign. Yet when I hold those truths up to our lives and this path we are on, it is hard for me to reconcile all of it together.
I look at truths like, "God is real" and, "God is present," and I find myself, for the first time ever, FEELING like those truths are far from me. It is so hard to explain, and I am terrified to share these thoughts, because I don't want you to think that I have suddenly decided that God is not real. Far from it. I just feel so alone in this, and it seems like we have just been left here.
What I do believe is that this whole ordeal will ultimately strengthen and deepen my faith and trust in God. That notion makes sense to me. If my faith is never tested, really tested, then how could it ever be strong. If I can just hang on and survive this, then I do believe that I will know and love God more as a result.
I am just so beyond ready for this to be over. I am ready to not just nod and smile when friends talk about their babies and share mom tips. Ready stop wondering if we will EVER be parents. Ready to stop worrying that Ethiopia will shut down to international adoptions. Ready to stop crying. Ready to hold my children. Ready to step off that plane at the Birmingham airport and know that it is over and that they are ours and that no one can take them away. Ready to FEEL the love and blessing of God in my life again.
"I wait for the Lord,
my soul waits, and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."