The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, is using this whole season to teach me things that I, in my stubbornness, would probably miss in the midst of any other set of circumstances. Here are some things that our gracious God is teaching me.
1. I do not know everything. Shocking, right? I want so badly to believe that I have all of the answers and that I know exactly how everything will turn out. But the truth of the matter is that that is just not case. It is a hard lesson to learn, because I really do like to be the one with the answers. I see this in my life through my job. I am a teacher. I am the one with the plan, the one who is supposed to have all of the answers. But, if I am going to fully trust God with my whole life, with every little and big aspect of my life, then I have to step back, let go and trust that He, the One who actually does know everything, is working everything together for my good, and for the good of our child.
2. I have control issues. So much of this process is outside of our hands, and that makes me oh so nervous. We are doing everything that we can be doing right now, but I know the day will come when we have finished all of the work and the only thing left to do will be to wait. That is a scary thought! When I feel the panic rising over this, I have to remind myself that all of this, the whole thing, is under God's control. So while I might feel like we are at the mercy of a manmade system, the truth is that we are all at the mercy of the One who made man, and that is such a comforting truth.
3. I need to worry less and pray more. It is so easy to be consumed by worry as we walk through this journey. If for no other reason than the fact that it seems like there are a gazilion things that could go wrong. But on top of that is the worry about what our baby's life will be like in the months prior to us being able to bring him/her home, the concern over financing this adoption and then, once all of that is over, the fact that we are going to be parents and have no idea how to do that. AHHH! When I start to think like this, I have to stop myself and be reminded that each of these worries is an opportunity to pray. Worrying does not solve any of these problems; it only makes me feel worse. So instead, I need to work on spending that time and that energy focusing on God and asking Him to guide us through this.
4. God's timing in perfect. This one is hard. It is hard because I want so much to be a mom, and I want that now, not later. In the moments when I am really struggling with this, God gently asks me, "Baylor, can you point to a time when I have let you down?" My answer, of course, is, "No." When I look back at my life, even in just the five years that Adam and I have been married, I can see so many instances of God working in His perfect time so that our lives would be more beautiful. I'll give you an example. Adam was applying to PT school during our engagement, and he did not get accepted to any programs that first year. We were devastated. Questions rose to the surface. "Is this not what we were supposed to do? Did we misunderstand God's calling for Adam's career? How are we going to make this work?" Adam applied again the next year and got in to UAB (a school we did not apply to that first year). If he had been accepted elsewhere that first year, we would not be attending our current church, we would not have our wonderful and godly friends, we would not have our home ministry and we might not even be in the adoption process. So, you see, God's timing was perfect. It was not what we thought we wanted, and it was certainly not easy, but it was perfect. God knows the end from the beginning, and He knew exactly what He was doing when he delayed Adam's school by one year. So, I know I can trust God with this part of our life, too. I just need to work on making that my first inclination all the time.
So, as you can see, God has been quite busy working both in our lives and in my heart. I am hoping that He will use this process to sanctify me and transform me into the woman, wife and (someday soon) mother that He has created me to be. I am praying that He will continue to break me free from the things of this world, things that fill me with worry and doubt, things that take the focus off of Him and His glory. I know that I have such a long way to go, and I know that getting to where I need to be will be a battle, because I am a sinful person. But God is revealing to me that I can trust Him with this and with every part of my life.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2