One year ago today, we mailed in our application to Lifeline to start our adoption process. It is hard to believe that a full 365 days have passed since we started down this road. In some ways it really does feel like it has flown by, but in a whole lot of ways it feels like we have been waiting for an eternity.
Yesterday, I jumped back to my blog post from April 10, 2012. It was an interesting experience to read my own words about my feelings at the beginning of this whole journey. Part of it was very hard, because at this time last year, our agency was estimating 12-15 months from application submission to arriving home with your child. Well, twelve months later, we are not precisely home with our child; we are not even close to being there. And there is a BIG part of that that is very, VERY hard. I spent the better part of today focusing on that, which resulted in me crying at work and being very upset once I got home. Not good.
But Adam and I went on a long walk with Daisy once he got home from work, and spent most of our walk talking about this. We reached a few conclusions.
1. This just doesn't seem fair. Yes, it is a childish thing to say, but it is how we feel. That does not mean that we are throwing a temper tantrum or are getting ready to throw in the towel, but it does mean that this is HARD for us. And it is that hard every single day.
2. God is sovereign over this. I know that "sovereign" is a very churchy word that gets thrown around a lot. But what I mean by it is that I know for a fact that God is in control over this. Now, part of that truth is very hard to swallow, because if God is in control of this, then that means He is allowing it to happen. However, because I know WHO God is and WHAT His character is like, I know that what He is doing is ultimately what is in my best interest, even if it does not feel like it today (which it does not, by the way).
3. God knows our children. He knows their names, their faces, what their personalities will be like, everything. And He loves them. And because He loves them, I can trust Him to bring them to us in His time.
4. I trust God. I do. I believe that He is good. I know He is. For that reason alone I can trust Him, even in the face of something this difficult.
Based on these conclusions, I can move forward. I can wake up tomorrow morning ( the first day of year two in our adoption journey ) and still believe that God has this under control. I can live with that fact that this feels totally unfair. And I think it is OK for me to say that I feel this way. I think it is OK for me to be sad and cry at work if I have to. But I also know that God is with me in those moments, calling me, asking me to trust in Him and His plan and timing for my life.
Oh, it is hard.
I know there might come a day when I will say, "I wouldn't change a thing." But guess what! Today is not that day. Because today is hard. Today hurts like you would not believe. But God is with me in the middle of my hurting. He is the ONLY one who can bring me comfort in this, and, as much as I might not want to admit it, it is HIS comfort and assurance that I need. I have to humble myself to admit that, because the prideful part of me want to scream that my plan is better and that I can fix this and make it right. But I cannot do that. I must rely on Him, trust in Him, give my worries to Him. And I think that me learning that truth is part of His plan, too.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand that He may lift you up IN DUE TIME. Cast all your anxiety on Him because HE CARES FOR YOU."
1 Peter 5:6-7